Spotted at Belmont Club.

I don’t know too much about this Climate Change thing that so many people have gotten into over the past decade or so. I know some folks say it is a religion of peace. Me, I’ve never had much of a religious/apocalyptic bent, so it’s just never interested me enough to look into it any deeper than I have, say, Scientology or palmistry.

But, whatever the truth or falsity of their promises of salvation: I do know that I would far, far rather the earth spirits’ wrath burn the planet to a crisp than see these people and their thoroughly fascist aesthetic succeed. Better to be slightly warmer on one’s feet than be pressed into a chanting, letter-shaped mob of anonymous, faceless Action-Takers on one’s knees.

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Jul
3

Nature Week — Again


penis-tree

I would say there is less than a 70% chance that’s going to fit. Unless it’s Barbra Streisand or any of those hags from The View, of course. I’m making one of those “throwin’ a hotdog down a hallway jokes”. Man, I’m really getting sick having to explain these gags to you. It’s a good thing you’re so beautiful.

And that ends Nature Week. You can now be excused.

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julianne-moore4

Considering Julianne Moore is 48 years of age, and considering she was just pulled out of an icy lake, she doesn’t look half bad. Mind you, she doesn’t look half good. The half that doesn’t look good is staring me right in the mug, so I’m trusting the other half must be better.

You would think that by now, Moore would have realized two things in life: 1) black bikinis on an albino is never flattering, and 2) if you have a complexion like flour, you’ll need to put on sunscreen 4000 lest you burst into flames.

Latest by Two Dogs: Okay, that is, quite frankly, TERRIFYING. Is she Canadian or something? That color, TRANSLUCENT, is not supposed to exist in ... MORE

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Jul
2

Nature Week — Again


bend-over-tree

From the look of things, it seems like the one tree is explaining to the other tree what the Cap & Trade bill will do to the average American family.

Dead-on accurate, if you ask me.

I can’t wait to see it explain what the Health Care bill is going to do.

Latest by mare: Shouldn't the government step in and stop nature from doing this kind of thing? What about the children?? MORE

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Jul
2

camp-kids

Concerned over the amount of stress her own son was under, Sherri Mincher, a licensed massage therapist in Westminster, MD,  opened a camp this year called Stress Busters. It’s intended for very young children, as and the title of the camp infers, it’s to help alleviate childhood stress:

Sherri Mincher, a licensed massage therapist in Westminster, wants to help. Thinking about her son and the anxiety he suffers, she started Stress Busters Camp.

The camp lasts for five weeks, and teaches children breathing, stretching and relaxation techniques.

Mincher also encourages children to share their stressful experiences with the group, so that they all can work on developing coping skills.

“It teaches them to be more self-aware when things happen,” she said.

Mincher conducted her first session in the spring; she hopes to have another session starting mid-July. The camp offers one 45-minute session weekly. The cost ranges from $90 to $113 for five weeks.

Mincher said she intends to limit each session to five children between the ages of 5 and 13.

“What I’ve found is a lot of these kids have social issues,” she said.

Other than the obvious that this woman is an idiot and any parent that sends their child to a massage therapist for a psychological pow-wow should be pummeled until they bleed from their eye sockets, there’s a reason why some kids are stressed: children have to make too many decisions nowadays.

TLDG had a child in her class (a six year old girl) that was struggling with every aspect of her grade, Simply put, she was not ready to move on to the next grade. So the principal, vice principal, TLDG, the special ed teacher and the psychologist all met with the mom to encourage her to keep her child back a grade. The moms answer to the whole thing was, “I’ll talk to my daughter to see what she wants to do”.

This child should be thinking when she can have playtime with her friends, not making life-altering decisions about her academic future.

Instead of leading a stress-free childhood, from the moment a child wakes up to the time he/she goes to bed, they’re under a constant bombardment to make decisions. Would you like pancakes or cereal, apple or orange juice for breakfast? Would you like to wear the pink Hollister or the blue Abercrombie top? What would you like for lunch? Would you like mommy or daddy to drive you to school ?(the child can’t walk to school, he/she might be abducted) Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner? What would you like for dinner? What would you like to watch on TV. Etc.

Make a freaking decision for the poor kid, you’re killing them.

Camp Stress exists because of parents like the massage therapist in the article. She wonders why her child is a mess and doesn’t understand it’s because she won’t let her own kid lead a normal childhood,  instead the kid has to make decisions like he/she is the President of IBM. A five year old doesn’t need to share their *stressful experiences* with other children, the biggest stress a kid should have is not being able to open up a pack of gum fast enough. A child shouldn’t have to develop coping skills by discussing it with granola eating losers like the idiot camp director, a child develops those skills by interacting with other children.

Mincher should be ashamed of herself, and any parent that tries to be cool by letting their children make their own decisions should be bound, gagged, and left by the roadway where giant birds will peck at their skin until they are raw.

I know there are exceptions to the rule, and some kids are stressed through life circumstances, but parents should be trying to eliminate as much stress from their child’s lives as possible, not sending them to someone else to do it.

That’s my opinion, and damn it all if it isn’t 100% correct.

Latest by dmorris: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rIPe5akN48 On children. MORE

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Jul
2

Click

Latest by Thurston the tosser: Can they still be used on dwarf tossing contests? MORE

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Why do I bother reading the New York Times, you may ask? I’m pretty sure if someone like George Will were producing startling evidence he was crazy, liberals would at least be mildly interested.

Read the rest of this entry »

Latest by Chris: "Thus researchers at M.I.T., who were previously predicting a temperature rise of a little more than 4 degrees by the ... MORE

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Jul
2

Dick Head


dick-head

MAD

Latest by Andy: MAD, I can't quite identify. It does resemble the privates of my sons when they were infants (and the ... MORE

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Jul
2

When They Were Young


who-is-this-little-dickie

I’m pretty confident that no-one is going to guess who this woman is. Damn, I gave it away, I said it was a woman. Yup, it’s Lady Gaga.

No it isn’t, I’m sort of kidding.

For me to give you any type of hint as to who this is, would be giving the answer away. But since I like wrecking these games, let me tell you that this is an American born actor who has been in so many amazingly successful movies it makes my head spin. I’m sure it would make your head spin, too. Look at us, we’re just a couple of crazy kids whose heads are spinning right off our necks. Are we in love?

Latest by dmorris: O.F.'s S's.! The very FIRST one! Harrison Ford!? Sadist!Maniac! Well done,Mayor. (Bastard);-) MORE

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Jul
2

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

Fun Meme provided the chuckles

Latest by dmorris: Great! Loved #'s 4 & 16! MORE

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5 Comments

MENSA Teaser

I was asked last week through the magic of electronical mail if the questions I pose each and every week are actual MENSA questions and not just random trivia questions, to which I replied, “yes, they are actual MENSA questions”.

That’s a true story, it really happened.

I take these questions from something called, The Big Book of MENSA Brain Teasers. I keep it on my bookshelf next to The Population Bomb, An Inconvenient Truth, Dreams of my Father, and The Communist Manifesto. I keep all my Marxist readings close at hand. I need them in case a union meeting breaks out.

If you are, or know someone that goes by the name of The Daily Bayonet or/and Go_Fish (but not J.M. Heinrichs), tell them they correctly identified last weeks MENSA teaser. Unless that person is you, then celebrate quietly, as if they whole world is looking directly at you and pointing with judgmental fingers.

Because they are, as you tend to embarrass yourself with insane, ear-piercing celebrations. You have the right attitude, you just have to learn to use your inside voices.

Nonetheless, I congratulate you on your mammoth victory, and wonder if you know the answer to this:

Unscramble the letters in each word below, then unscramble the order of words to create a Tom Swifty sentence. (Tom always speaks adverbially.)

FINKE   YM   SI   NI   SBSIUNES   MIFAYL   HTE   DIAS   RPHSALY   MOT

Ah yes, it sounds like the Gaelic my grandma use to speak to me if I actually had any family members that spoke Gaelic.

 
Jul
1

Nature Week — Again


dirty-tree

I’m not sure what I’m looking at here, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been called one a few hundred times. Kids can be so mean.

It’s still Canada Day, and instead of sitting in the rain watching taxpayer funded firework displays, I’m here on my computer trying to make the world a better place, one stinking post at a time.

I should be given a medal, at the very least.

Latest by dmorris: Oh yeah, and welcome back, Mare. MORE

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nail-clippers

A young man from Stevenage, Hertfordshire was rushed to hospital yesterday, after he performed a do-it-yourself circumcision with nail clippers:

The young man had to be rushed to the Lister Hospital in Stevenage, Hertfordshire. The wound was disinfected to cleanse it before he was given a bed in an observation ward.

“This is something we would advise men never to attempt,” a medic said, “The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an affect on a man’s sexual performance.

“Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand.”

I tried to look up a Hallmark card online to see if they had something that would fit this situation, but alas, they did not. And that bothers me. Even the stupid of head deserve their own card for a situation like this. So I took it upon myself to write out a few lines, feel free to use any or all of them as you please.

A gyno is used when delivering babies,

You’ll get a series of needles if you come down with rabies,

You might get your stomach pumped if you feel really sick,

But you’re right up shits creek if you circumcise your own dick.

A little wordy, but not a bad first try. Let ’s keep going:

I heard you’re in hospital because you tried to give yourself a circumcision with nail clippers. They were MY nail clippers. But I’ll tell you what: keep ‘em. My gift to you.

Get well soon.

That’s touching because it invokes the act of giving. That’s what we referto in the card writing business as *a keeper*.

I think I have one more in me:

Always make sure you look over your check-list before you leave home every day:

Coat - check

Shoes - check

Hat - check

Socks - check

Shirt - check

Penis - ?

Oh well, look on the bright side, you have a really cool hat.

I’m pretty sure someone will steal these and submit them to Hallmark and make billions of dollars, but I don’t care, I’m in a pretty generous mood today.

I’d like to see if my constituents can up with something equally touching. Please leave your Hallmark message in the commentable box situated conveniently right below these words.

Latest by Andy: No Mr. Mayor, they didn't use that one. But good old American ingenuity can take a $9.95 piece of ... MORE

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Jul
1

More Great One-Liners


Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
 
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
 
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
 
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
 
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
 
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
 
When in doubt, mumble.
 
 

Latest by Go_Fish: I just peed laughing. MORE

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Jul
1

A Glacier National Park Ranger


stops at a ranch in Billings, and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The Ranger verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The Ranger proudly displays it to the farmer.

“See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish and on any land. No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?” The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Ranger running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the Ranger. The Ranger is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.
“Your badge! Show him your badge!”

Latest by chuck aka XtnYoda: Just had to blog it, with a little commentary. http://xtnyoda.blogspot.com/2009/07/from-mayor-of-mitchieville-comes-this.html#links Thanks! MORE

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Jul
1

canada-day

Happy Dominion Day to all.

As part of my celebration this Dominion Day, I’m going to download the forms from the provincial government and apply for welfare. A little later I’m going to a drop-in clinic to get some *free* medical advice, and for dinner I’m going to my favourite soup kitchen for a bowl of bean & bacon and a grilled cheese sandwich. I have a pretty big day ahead of me, I’m tired just thinking about it. Maybe I’ll just go back to bed for a few hours.

Latest by dmorris: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpumYq8YRY4&feature=related Actually, I found this answer to "I am Canadian" fairly amusing. MORE

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Jun
30

Nature Week — Again


creepytree

I think I’d be afraid to pee on that tree. For some reason I think if I did, its branches would swoop down upon my nether region and teach me a lesson. And I’ll be damned if that happens to me again.

Strike the word *again* from the last sentence, it shouldn’t be there.

Latest by The white Andy: Whew, changing my name to asdfasdf woulda sucked. Thanks guys! MORE

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who-is-this-guy

I have been given a request  (and for once it didn’t start off with the words, “If you don’t stop harassing me I’m calling the cops) to see if anyone can name the person in the picture. Haha, I didn’t really word that right, what I meant to say is, if anyone knows who the person is in the picture, can you please tell me who that person in the picture is? Wait, that was terrible. Who in this picture is person is?

I’m sounding like a fool. Just tell me if you know who the picture person might is. Whew, finally got it right. Yet I’m going to ask it one more time:

Est-ce que n’importe qui sait qui la personne dans l’image est?

Puits ?

Latest by nancy: There's a story about a,now famous,guitarist who went to see Doc in his younger days (I can't remember who though), ... MORE

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