The week begins with the Solstice, which is to say, the Sun has it’s longest day and also enters Cancer. A good time, with an abundance of the life force for everybody and everything. This year, however, the Sun will be opposed on this eventful day by … Pluto in Capricorn. And Mars and Venus, that fun couple, are conjunct in Taurus. Good for Venus, not so good for Mars. And they are trine Saturn. Which means lots of chores and yard work getting done, even if the lady of the house gets pregnant, and the lord of the house does yard work. As for the opposition to Pluto, well, dark powers advance their plans for world domination. The clues are out there, but only for those that look.

Aries: Space aliens take a fancy to your genetic code and will seek to seduce you and carry off your seed for their own purposes. As space aliens have shape shifting technology, you really cannot be sure whose hands are caressing your body. Avoid having sex in the dark, or in janitorial rooms this week.

Taurus: Yard work and sex about sums up your week. Keep your intake of liquids to forestall dehydration, and bath frequently to keep allergens off your skin. Someone will suggest that you shave yourself down to a pre-pubescent level, which you may, or may not, do. And shoes, get some shoes between copulating and weeding.

Gemini: You will have the opportunity to make vast profits out of the looming war between North Korea and the West. Your sharp wits, combined with your casual knowledge of Korean dialects, will allow you to detect the foreign agent who has set up shop as a coffee shop and intends to infect his customers with yellow fever. Encourage your rivals and those that stand in your way to partake of this tainted brew.

Cancer: An auspicious start for the next four weeks, which you rule. Only the forces of organized crime, corrupt government, and telemarketing, stand in your way, somehow. And not very effectively, just enough for you to notice. Off to the side, others are making whoopie. Expect at least once the week to be kept awake with someone’s loud lovemaking.

Leo: A quiet week, disturbed only by the widespread war preparations that the larger military powers are making. Maybe another train of tanks will delay your commute, or the rumble of jets will disturb your peace as you read a book, or the internet is slow because a panzer division is getting a download. Take your pick. Enjoy your rest and relaxation. The war does not start for you for a few weeks.

Virgo: As others rush, you are calm. As others are confused, you are certain. You are the wise one in the coming week. An urge to join a white igniter movement will cross you mind. Stick to the program and do your chores, then, only then, stir the pot.

Libra: Ah yes, cleaning up after the party. Dig deep in the sofa to find the change and that sqooshy used condom. You will find a shoe you lost a year ago, which vindicates your ‘never throw out a shoe’ policy.

Scorpio: You will be moved to a quiet, seething anger, but you will not have the satisfaction of strangling the life out of the miscreant. This will involve your car. If your trunk is empty you can put them in there for disposal later; if it is not, then you will just have to suffer.

Sagittarius: Call in sick to work. Poison your boss. Strangle the little twerp who annoys you. Show no mercy. On Thursday, life gets better.

Capricorn: North Korea plans a sneak attack on July 4 on America. Use this secret information to make several stock trades and make yourself almost as rich as you drool to be. Covet and control!

Aquarius: You to will be aware of the North Korean sneak attack, but you will be less likely to profit from it, being as you have moral fibre. Nobody will listen to your concerns, or course. Stay away from the likely targets, and avoid the smallpox tainted bran muffins that the enemy is selling at the multi-cultural coffee shop.

Pisces: A portal has opened between dimensions close to you, and small objects will disappear, and reappear. Even beating on your partner does not make it better, even when you use the wooden spoon.

I, Sargon the Magnificent wrote this
more astrology? elsa elsa, or course!

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009 at 12:00 pm and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.