Do-It-Yourself Circumcision Goes Horribly Wrong - Surprisingly
A young man from Stevenage, Hertfordshire was rushed to hospital yesterday, after he performed a do-it-yourself circumcision with nail clippers:
The young man had to be rushed to the Lister Hospital in Stevenage, Hertfordshire. The wound was disinfected to cleanse it before he was given a bed in an observation ward.
“This is something we would advise men never to attempt,” a medic said, “The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an affect on a man’s sexual performance.
“Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand.”
I tried to look up a Hallmark card online to see if they had something that would fit this situation, but alas, they did not. And that bothers me. Even the stupid of head deserve their own card for a situation like this. So I took it upon myself to write out a few lines, feel free to use any or all of them as you please.
A gyno is used when delivering babies,
You’ll get a series of needles if you come down with rabies,
You might get your stomach pumped if you feel really sick,
But you’re right up shits creek if you circumcise your own dick.
A little wordy, but not a bad first try. Let ’s keep going:
I heard you’re in hospital because you tried to give yourself a circumcision with nail clippers. They were MY nail clippers. But I’ll tell you what: keep ‘em. My gift to you.
Get well soon.
That’s touching because it invokes the act of giving. That’s what we referto in the card writing business as *a keeper*.
I think I have one more in me:
Always make sure you look over your check-list before you leave home every day:
Coat - check
Shoes - check
Hat - check
Socks - check
Shirt - check
Penis - ?
Oh well, look on the bright side, you have a really cool hat.
I’m pretty sure someone will steal these and submit them to Hallmark and make billions of dollars, but I don’t care, I’m in a pretty generous mood today.
I’d like to see if my constituents can up with something equally touching. Please leave your Hallmark message in the commentable box situated conveniently right below these words.
July 1st, 2009 at 11:38 am
Have you ever noticed that the really strange things that go on in the world happen either in England or China?
Must be the tea.
July 1st, 2009 at 11:51 am
There was a day when all the weird things seemed to happen in California. But England and China (and Japan) far out-weird Cali now.
July 1st, 2009 at 12:08 pm
There once was a desperate lad,
who despaired for the foreskin he had.
Thought clippers would be quick…
just a few snips ’round his prick,
… now it looks like an infected tulip.
Mayor, is that too insensitive?
July 1st, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Hell no!
Man, I feel slightly stupid because I couldn’t find a rhyming word for quick. You nailed it though!
July 1st, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Geezle Pete. How tiny a dick does this guy have?
July 1st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I’d say however tiny it was, it’s 1/3 more tiny now.
Rimshot!
July 1st, 2009 at 2:09 pm
This is not pleasant to dwell on. But, I pondered many years ago what it must have been like for Abraham to circumcise himself at almost 100 years old.
I really wondered what it must have been like to be him and hear the voice of God telling him to do that. As I said, it’s not pleasant to dwell on. Thankfully, Momma got the hospital to do it to me when I was a few days old…too young to remember. (I love my Momma)
TMI, I know…
But I was so grateful for it all that when our four boys were born we took out the Ron Popeil “slicer-dicer” deal and took care of it right after The Mrs. hauled the little screamers home from the hospital. I figured, “What the heck? They’re shrieking anyway.”
Red Andy
July 1st, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Is the “Slicer Dicer” the one that slices, dices and makes Julien carrots?”
I suppose when they were marketing that, the phrase “slices, dices and circumcises your youngin’” never really caught on.
July 1st, 2009 at 7:05 pm
No Mr. Mayor, they didn’t use that one. But good old American ingenuity can take a $9.95 piece of crap and make Jews out of boy younguns. No brag…just fact.
And it was “Julien Fries in just seconds.” Actually, a carrot might be more accurate than a potato…hmmm…