Has anyone heard any information about the swine flu yet? I haven’t. The radio is silent, there’s nothing about it on TV, newspapers are completely ignoring the story and everyone around the water cooler are only talking about the start of the Raptors season. Even the internet is void of information. I wonder what they’re trying to hide?

I don’t want to talk to you today about whether or not you should have the Barnyard flu shot, or whether it’s safe, or whether this is some sort of elaborate rouse perpetrated by governments with vested interests to show us that the government can indeed run health care efficiently if and when there is an actual emergency. That’s for a different day.

Today I want to talk to you about what you can do to minimize your risk of getting any flu or cold, not just the Barnyard type.

You have heard the experts already tell you that if you are going to sneeze, do it into your elbow region. If you’re sick, don’t go to work. If you’re leaking and spraying fluids, have the good grace to do it in a dumpster or gutter and stay the hell away from the hospitals. Great, we already know all that, but what else can be done?

First of all, cut waaaaay back on your sugar intake this winter. Sugar can cut your immune system in half in the cold months. Try using half of what you typically use for your coffees and teas, don’t buy cappuccinos until the spring and monitor every food label and make mental notes of how much you use.  Stock up on fruits and vegetables and double your intake of them.

Cut waaaay back on fried foods and processed foods. If you are going to constantly dine out on fried and processed food this winter, you’re asking for trouble. Again, those types of foods brutalize your immune system. Buy fresh, cook it up, and have a water or a juice (not from concentrate is the best) for your meals.

Eat more and better vitamins. Whether this is true or not, I’ve followed this law and it has worked for me for ages. There is one thing I heard a long time ago and it seems to make perfect sense: When you gobble a vitamin C tablet, let’s say 500 mg, your system isn’t actually taking in 500 mg because by the time it gets broken down most of that goodness has gone to other places (I have no idea where those other places are). Therefore, you should be tripling up on vitamin C. Same goes for garlic. Eat lots of it, pill form and otherwise. Cooked garlic doesn’t stink, so you don’t have to worry about offending anyone with your breath. Besides, it’s not your breath that has been offending people all these years.

Avoid public washrooms and crowded areas. It’s pretty much Christmas season and soon every snotty nosed little rodent and all the diseased hordes will ascend upon the suburban malls. It’s going to be like a zombie attack this year. Avoid the hell out of it. Especially avoid public washrooms. And for the love of everything pure, avoid this drill: you take your pee, you wash your hands, you go to leave and GRAB THE DOOR HANDLE. You may as well lick a pigs face.

Every last disgusting dirtbag has had his pee-stained hands on that door handle and here’s you la dee deeing out of the crapper, grabbing onto the handle, then probably brushing your finger into your eye. You are now officially diseased, pal. Always remember, after you thoroughly wash your hands, keep the paper towel with you to open the door. If they only have hand driers, use some toilet paper or a napkin from your pocket. If all else fails, use part of your shirt (like the back or side of your shirt).

Since we are in the Great Recession™, you will find that this year above all the other years, there will be a ton of retail stores that will be staying open later, having midnight madness sales, and some will even stay open 24 hours (Wal mart comes to mind). Use strategic time shopping. If you get the chance to shop at 3 am on a Thursday and it makes sense, by all means take advantage of that. Avoid the crowds. Shop really early or really late. Or cancel Christmas entirely. Do it for the children.

When making a financial transaction, try to avoid paying by cash or debit if you can. Try to pay by credit card. Cash has all sorts of weird bacterias on it, just waiting to jump into your eye on its way down to your lungs. Same with debit cards, the touchpad on a debit machine is like a Haitian pitri dish. When you use a credit card, you give the cashier the card (with your 100% leather glove on your hand), she rings it through, hands it back and you sign with YOUR OWN pen. You have managed to touch nothing. Now go celebrate by touching yourself (???).

And that’s all I have right now, but let’s face it, that is one hell of an impressive list. And I did it all for you. None of that stuff works for me, as I live in a plastic bubble. Like John Travolta did in that movie years ago, remember? Ya, when he was just a teenage homo. Good movie. Good times.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 29th, 2009 at 9:30 am and is filed under Globla Swine Flu Pandemic. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.