You Know You’re A Cop If…
**I’m pretty sure most of these can also be applied to teachers
You have the bladder capacity of five people
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience
You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air
Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call
You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
You have your weekends off planned for a year
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide…getting it Right the first time.
You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably
You think caffeine should be available in IV form
You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .O8
You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
Anyone has ever said to you, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”
People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places … and you know where it’s located
You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body
You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN’T THIS THE TRUTH!)
You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”
You do not see daylight from November until May
People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original
A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear
You’ve ever referred to Tuesday as “my weekend”, or “this is my Friday.”
You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you
You find humor in other people’s stupidity
You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten
You feel good when you hear “these handcuffs are too tight.”
November 20th, 2009 at 11:05 am
…if you NEVER sit with your back to the door.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:42 am
A lot of that sounds like it would work for “You Know You’re a Soldier if…” Did that for twenty years and the similarity speaks to the dangers and stress cops go through on and off the job but I honestly don’t think I could handle being a cop for even a few years. The day in and day out exposure to the worst of humanity must be overwhelming after a point.
November 21st, 2009 at 5:21 am
Cops Vs Nurses
You have the bladder capacity of five people
“Pfft…six!”
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience
“ditto”
You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air
“Sigh….”
Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call
“Ours is a code”
You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you
“I usually just tell them up front that I can’t get them drugs”
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills
“I’m trying to patent that”
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
“More so”
You have your weekends off planned for a year
“Whats a weekend off?”
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
“We’re working on that”
You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located
“By who is open at 3am”
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide…getting it Right the first time.
“Ugh, I hate those cases”
You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably
“Leave the room”
You think caffeine should be available in IV form
“We can totally hook that up”
You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .O8
“I wish we had breathalizers”
You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
“You mean like the demented patient who thinks I’m trying to kill them?”
Anyone has ever said to you, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”
“No, they just think they are the only patient”
People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places … and you know where it’s located
“Yes! Why do people do this with me?”
You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body
“Yeah, but we’re the ones that have to process it”
You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN’T THIS THE TRUTH!)
“And no, I won’t look at that rash”
You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”
“Better than people making stupid jokes about bed baths”
You do not see daylight from November until May
“Daylight?”
People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original
“They do, but that poo beside their bed is probably theirs.”
A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear
“And scrubs”
You’ve ever referred to Tuesday as “my weekend”, or “this is my Friday.”
“And said “good morning at 2300″
You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction
“That would be awesome! We can’t even write off our stethescopes”
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!!”
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you
“Well…..yeah”
You find humor in other people’s stupidity
“If we didn’t, no nurse would last more than a week”
You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten
“We can bolt our food pretty fast!”
You feel good when you hear “these handcuffs are too tight.”
“Our wussy restraints are cloth. What a rip.”
November 21st, 2009 at 5:22 am
Andy: thats so weird. I always sit with my back to a wall where I can see who is coming in and out of a place. Was I meant to be a cop?
November 21st, 2009 at 6:00 am
“…exposure to the worst of humanity…”
and they’re exposed daily too.
I’ve had a year where 5 out of twenty had a mother or father in jail.
I’ve become accustomed to a child proudly showing me a picture of a parent wearing an orange jumpsuit with a block wall as backgroud.
I’ve even been in other teacher’s rooms and the “about me” wall has the pictures of parents in prison uniforms in front of a simular block wall.
November 21st, 2009 at 6:32 am
I meant to say their kids are exposed too.
This year it is 3 out of 12.
Their lives are so unstructured that an ordinary cueing system is ignored, and proper desist language is too soft for their experience. Though they will hear, “HEY!”
It’s like herding chickens. When I think I have them together..I look again and one has wrapped their body around the chair like a boa constrictor, others have their heads between their legs or studying the bottom of their shoes. At 2:40 I realize the last time I went pee was 7:00.
Hope. I have brought in rhythm band instruments, and at the end of day use lyrics as text.
They will muster all their concentration to be able to read and beat.
If parents only knew what the hell they are doing.
Cops, nurses, and teachers have to clean up the mess.
November 21st, 2009 at 7:43 am
One fun anecdotal..while reading a story, a little guy ask me what a crook was. After I explained, he said,”Oh, my dad is a crook, and I’m a pencil crook”.
November 21st, 2009 at 9:02 am
(Nothing to do with cops) One more for ya…”Dakota, write on the paper don’t eat it”
Moving in closer, “Dakota, please don’t eat your paper”
Now I put my hand down on his paper,and lean in closer, “Dakota, don’t eat your paper, please. You will need to use it”.
Last time, “HEY, don’t. eat. your. paper… thank you.”
The office people are good folks and share our pain.
Just the other day I called the office and ask for Mr. Ed to bring me needle nose pliers. (paper jam) Then, I called back and said,”Cancel the pliers.”
A friend had been in the office and came to my room to see why I needed the pliers. She told me staff was laughing their asses off cracking on what I could be using the needle nose pliers for in my class.
Does Nancy have to get a crayon out of a nose?
Oh, yea?
So, I called the office back and ask for a hot glue gun and a file.
The secretary didn’t know I wasn’t serious until I starting LMAO.
November 21st, 2009 at 9:14 am
Nurse Kate, I’m not sure. One of my best friends was a cop, and when we went to a restaurant, he always took a table in the very back, and sat facing the door.
He had also been a special forces guy, and personal bodyguard for Bruce Springsteen, before marrying & settling down.
Maybe you were meant to be a bodyguard for the Boss. Dunnno…
November 22nd, 2009 at 4:43 am
Med types, always trying to hog the limelight.
Cheers
November 22nd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Ha ha ha! It just goes to show why cops often marry nurses. We have so much in common.