My father comes from Devonshire in England. Our culture celebrates wrecking. Wrecking is the practice of dousing the signal fire in lighthouses and starting up new signal fires on rocky shores in order to lure ships into the reefs. The spilled cargo from the wreck (hence the name wrecker) is then seized as reparations for past injustice. When I was a kid, it was always fun to go out with the adult males of our global village, and embrace our culture and celebrate diversity by luring some transport truck into a decoy gas station where we would hijack the cargo and then have driver shaved and sold to a travelling transvestite theatre troupe.
My homeland, Devonshire, has been victimized. All of the sons and daughters of Devon, as well as our associated house pets, farmyard friends, plants, and insects, deserve reparations. Especially from people who have jobs who always have plenty of spare money. Make them pay for injustice to Devonshire-Wrecker-Canadians, I say. The story of injustice and institutional bias against the wreckers can be found in the history of the Courtney family, a prominent social activist family. As you can see, the Courtneys were active in politics in the middle ages, where their advocacy of human rights lead to the evil heteronormative establishment to cheat them out of their rightful claims to the Crown of France and the Imperial Sceptor of Byzantium. Just reading about how the Courtneys were hard done by is morally equivalent to 1.732 holocausts. Certainly bad, but not double bad.
It is impossible to believe anything bad about my ancestors who lured ships onto the rocks. Why were they forced to overpower ship’s crews in the cold and dark of night, swimming out to moored ships with only a dagger clenched in their teeth? Why were my simple, happy, politically correct ancestors forced to smuggle tea for hundreds of years? The lavish profits (equivalent to heroin or cocaine smuggling today) were not sought out for financial gain. No, of course not. The vast sums of money (along with looted weapons, livestock, and of course, tea) were used to correct social injustice and fight poverty. Among my people, smuggling is celebrated. And it is time the taxpayers of Canada forked over some reparations.
The next time you are on a boat and one of the crew guides you straight into a reef or shoal, ask yourself, How did I offend this person? When his family group from his global village swarm over the decks to take everything of value, leaving you in your undergarments (sometimes there is a undergarment ’swap’, but only if your shorts are clean and the pirate’s are either wet or stained) to ask yourself: How could I accomodate these Wrecker-Canadians? A good question that all Taxpayer-Canadians should be asking themselves for when the Wrecker-Canadians swarm over your boat (or house, or car …)
I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. Aaargh.