The Mayor Reviews Movies

If I judged how popular each post is by the amount of comments they received, I would have to conclude that, “The Mayor Reviews Movies”, is a complete waste. But that’s not how things work in real life, often the greatest posts are the ones that get zero comments. Or maybe that’s exactly how things work, maybe this segment gets zero comments because it sucks. Either way, I’m still going to eat steak tonight and rip TLDG a new one. That’s how I rock, and yes, that’s also how I roll.

All the movies I am reviewing tonight are pirated Chinese mafia flicks, purchased at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario. Without further ado, let’s review:

Disturbia–Starring Shia LaBeouf and Sarah Roemer. Who, you ask? Don’t worry about it, they’re not important. This LaBeouf character gets put under house arrest and starts to suspect that his neighbour is a serial killer. He figures this out because he had been spying on the naked chick (which is weird cuz he French, so you think he’d be spying on some dude) and notices some suspicious actions going on in his neighbours place. This was actually a pretty decent movie, not particularly scary, but interesting enough. Well worth the $2.75.

Next–Starring Nicholas Cage and Jessica Biel. Nick has the ability to see a few minutes into the future, and for some reason this leads the CIA to believe he can help find and stop a nuclear explosion. And who are the terrorists? Some British guys and a Romanian chick…natch. Yes, 2 minutes is plenty of time to hunt down the weapon, disarm it and capture the bad guys. Oh, and Nick also has time to throw one into Jessica Biel, and sees how she’s going to enjoy it before he sullies her. Bitch.

The King Maker–Starring Gary Stretch (???)This is a movie I can’t remember a thing about other than I’m pretty sure TLDG gave me a giant hand job about half-way through the movie to kill the boredom and to work on her forearms.

The Contract–With Morgan Freeman and John Cusack. Cusack and son go camping and stumble upon an escaped assassin (Freeman), and they basically capture Freeman and try to take him back into custody. Even though that was a horrible description of the movie, it was still pretty good none-the-less.

Headspace–Starring a couple of unknown rejects. A man who’s intellect grows bigger everyday is somehow linked to some deadly murders. In the end it turns out he is or isn’t the killer, I’m not sure. Although this movie has some interesting parts, nothing at the end really made any sense. And that bites.

So that does it, five more reviews courtesy of the Chinese mafia douchbags of the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario. As I always say, thank the Lord the police are too scared or whatever to actually bust the huge pirated movie ring at the Pacific Mall in Markham, Ontario, or my fun would dry up.

Leave a Reply

Protected by WP Anti Spam