The Mayor Goes Camping–Part 1/3


TLDG, my two legitimate children and myself decided to get away last weekend. Being the Mayor of the 49th fastest growing community in NE Durham region, Ontario, Canada, North America, The World, The Universe, is very stressful, I really needed some me time.

We decided to go to the Warsaw caves, just outside beautiful Peterborough, Ontario. We couldn’t wait to leave our giant carbon footprint on momma earth, so we packed up our crap in our massive SUV and got the hell out of Dodge.


You may be able to read the history of the region by clicking on the picture, but if you can’t see it, the lowdown goes something like this: The geological history of the area begins 10,000 years ago, when the last of the glacial meltwalters surged down the Indian River on the way to Lake Iroquois. The level of the glacial spillway was at least 14 m above that of the present water level. The tremendous flow found its way through the crevices in the limestone bedrock. The pounding gradually created large underground stream channels and caves. The action of the rushing waters in the channel created whirlpools, which captured pebbles and boulders with its abrasive spinning action. These materials were gradually ground into the limestone bedrock creating numerous “potholes” or “kettles” which can be seen along the marked trails.


We made camp and got ready for some spelunking (caving), but before we left, a Ranger came by our site and gave up more history of this incredible region. He told us that the area was sacred Indian ground and after the local Indian tradition we should give ourselves names based on our personality, the way we are feeling and our mood.

I thought that this was a great idea, so my oldest legitimate went by the name, “Amused one”, my second legitimate, “Hungry Boy”, TLDG went by “Happy Face” and I went by “Hung like God-damned horse”.


It was getting late and we were all hungry. I pulled out the Coleman and set it up. I found the lighter and tried lighting the cooker, but the lighter was out of fluid. We also didn’t have any matches. I quickly became “Angry white man”, my younger legitimate “Starving Mouth”, my older legitimate, “Looking For IPod” and TLDG, “Wishing you would Shut Up”.


As we starved, it seemed the local vermin didn’t have a problem finding food. This really pissed me off. I drove 2 hours to get to this place and I don’t even have a fucking peanut. What kind of cruel God are you? Name change time: I became “Enraged Swearing Animal hater”, my older legitimate “Son that Backs Away From Elder”, the younger legitimate “Headaches” and TLDG, “One Who Will Drive off and Leave Your Complaining Asses Here”.


I went foraging for some vittles, I can’t have my family starve to death. Finally, after 4 hours of looking I came upon a family of eagles, which I promptly killed. Then I thought, “I really should have just drove the 5 minutes to the store, or even walked there”. Oh well, live and learn. My name quickly changed to, “Kills shit with bare hands and Cares Not”.

As you can see from the picture, it’s going to be a golden weekend.

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