Squirrel Fights 2008–Round Five



Good evening folks, I am The Mayor of Mitchieville and I am at the Mitchieville Civic Auditorium in beautiful downtown Mitchieville. Tonight we have lined up the fifth of six fights, a fight that promises to have the perfect mix of pugilism and horrific violence.

Elephantitis Eli (EE) is matched up against the tournament favourite Mango Muncher (MM). Earlier this week, MM’s trainer, Nancy, was talking trash, not about EE, but against The Mayor’s Squirrel, Pugsly. Here is what she had to say, I quote: “The Mayor’s shitty little squirrel.” I have this strange feeling that Nancy’s words are going to come back and bite her and that her prized squirrel is going to die a horrific death tonight. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just have a feeling.

The fighters are now in the ring, and man are they looking in top shape. If I had to rate these fighters out of ten, with 0 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, I would give them both a solid 8.3. I’d give EE’s balls a solid 9.4.

Let’s go to the ring where Michelle Buffet is ready: “Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages–let’s get ready to watch some blood shed!!”

Michelle Buffet will never work in this town again.

Fenris has placed both squirrels in the see-through pillowcase and we’re nearly ready to begin. The bell sounds and Fenris shakes the pillowcase like it owes him money, and here we go.

The squirrels eye each other up and are making those disgusting chirpy squirrel sounds that make humans cringe with hate. EE and MM come together in the middle of the ring and MM smashes EE’s head with a devastating punch. EE goes down quicker than Jenna Jamieson at a Shriner’s convention. MM wastes no time and jumps right on the testicles of EE. MM puts EE in the cranium crunch, squeezes, and holy crapamolie–EE’s head just popped off. Folks, stick a fork in EE, this fight is over.

That was…errr….quick. Remember how I said that MM’s squirrel was going to bite the big one tonight? Haha, that was pretty funny of me, I actually meant that he was going to win.

The janitors are in the ring cleaning up the mess, MM is dancing around and freaking out like it’s Courtney Love at a free needle giveaway. What a waste of a night. I mean, what a great fight.

So there you have it, MM treats EE like EE’s an ugly child and MM is a Chinese Olympic official. Next week there is going to be a champion declared–either the Mango Muncher or Pugsly.

Tune in next Wednesday night for the finale of Squirrel Fights 2008. I’m The Mayor of Mitchieville, wishing you and yours, and theirs, a great evening.

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