Keyser’s Financial Advice


As attentive readers of the Lair already know, Keyser’s been posting a lot about the financial debacle recently, and there’s some pretty grim news out there. Dominique Sacré-Bleu, head of the IMF, was disturbingly quoted as saying:

Holy shit, I give up. We’ve tried everything, but nothing works. Not a goddamned thing. I swear it makes even a paragon of masculinity such as myself want to weep like a five-year-old girl with a scraped knee. You know what I’ve done? I’ve liquidated every single centime of investment I own–sometimes getting only a centime on the franc–and put it all in that gold stuff advertised by that Australian woman on CNN. She kept telling me that all sorts of experts said that paper investments weren’t worth the paper they’re printed on, and I should squirrel away every centime in gold. You know what? She was entirely right, and I’m man enough to admit it. But did I listen in time? Noooooo. [Dissolves into heaving sobs.]

Whoa! That sort of stuff really makes you think. So Keyser’s doing the morning exercises and comes across a show on Discovery about crystal skulls. Seems these things are some sort of old-fashioned equivalent of a memory chip, left behind by the Maya or Martians or something. Apparently, the logic is something along the lines that one of these skulls shows no evidence of tooling, and since we couldn’t make a crystal skull like that, it must have been extra-terrestrials. With logic like that, you’d have to be some sort of totally incredulous skeptic not to believe it. (Note that skeptics write on Wikipedia: now what does that tell you?) As if that weren’t confirmation enough, they interviewed some guy who is a modern-day Maya, and not only is he privy to the secrets of the ancient Maya (kind of like a Central American Chakotay), but he also believes that these things were given to the Maya by extra-terrestrials. QED (as the science types say)!

Okay, so far, so good. But according to the show the Maya prophesy the end of the world on December 21, 2012. Clearly, this information is a god-send (so to speak) from the extra-terrestrials, letting us know that like the head of the IMF, we should liquidate our investments and put it all into an annuity that expires on 21/12/12 (as the computers would have it).

Oh, if only life were that simple! As you may recollect, Eugenio from Naples has a countdown clock on his website that tells the time remaining till the end of the world, and he gives us until Dec. 23! At this point, you’re no doubt saying to yourself, “Oh, my God, I just can’t process all this information. If only Keyser would help me sort it all out.”

Never fear, dear reader, Keyser is here! Having a doctorate from Harvard Univesity, Keyser has learned that whenever there is an academic dispute, the judicious scholar splits the difference. (Truth be told, Keyser was never much good at this, generally opting for one view or the other and deciding on the basis of evaluating the evidence, rather than splitting the difference. But Keyser would never be called “judicious” even by his worst enemies. Then again, the judicious types are at Harvard and Keyser ain’t, so who’s got the last laugh?)

To get back to the present issues, take all your possessions, turn them into cash and divide the sum into the number of days between today and Dec. 22, 2012. That way, you can’t lose no matter which date is correct. If the world ends on Dec. 23, you’ll have to bum off your friends for one day, but since you’ll know the world is about to end, you don’t have to worry about paying them back. If, on the other hand, you’re sitting there living your own personal Cloverfield on Dec. 21, you’ve only blown one day, so what the hell? You won’t notice on Dec. 22, since there won’t be one.

Shamelessly crossposted at the Lair (where only the choicest of readers read)

3 Responses to “Keyser’s Financial Advice”

  1. Chris Says:

    The one solace I’m getting out of this economic meltdown is that none of it is my fault.

    Here in the states, the pain has been twofold: 1)people with shitty credit who got home loans that were supposedly backed by the government, allowing Fannie/Mac to encourage way too many bad loans to count, leading the the current bailout; and 2) people’s savings supposedly being wiped out. I rent an apartment and don’t invest in the stock market, so I’m not sweating at all.

    People need to start realizing that the Absolute Value theory of economics is nothing more than Marxist nonsense, start putting their money in simple savings accounts and stop thinking that they will make easy money in and IRA, and stop buying shit they don’t need.

  2. nancy Says:

    This dumb ass had 96,000$ in an AIG Retirement account(TSA).
    The cash out is less than my deposits, even before I pay taxes and fees.
    It will go in a sock under my mattress next time.
    It was not the thought of easy money, but our present tax bracket was too brutal for our income combined with tangible, intangible, and other assorted taxes, insurance, and working capital needed for a small business..
    Obama thinks we aren’t taxed enough.
    That will be about 200 of our employees finding other jobs.

  3. Chris Says:

    “Obama thinks we aren’t taxed enough.
    That will be about 200 of our employees finding other jobs.”

    Anybody that thinks Obama is a genius should look at his economic “plan”–anybody lame enough to think that a business will pay people even $20,000 a year for a piddly $3,000 tax credit clearly have negative after-effects of excessive cocaine use.

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