Keyser: On the Right Side As Usual
You know, Keyser has always been vaguely embarrassed that he once voted for a Democrat. This was back in 1990, when the two candidates for governor of Massachusetts were the ostensibly Republican William Weld and the Democrat John Silber, who was president of Boston University. Weld gave off a sort of Thurston Howell III vibe that put Keyser off (as it turns out, he’s married to the great granddaughter of Theodore Roosevelt, ooh). Basically, he thought Weld was one of those snooty upper-crust North Eastern Republicans who are basically Democrats but think that coming out and actually being a Democrat is some form of slumming. Silber, on the other hand, seemed to be made of sterner stuff, and got Keyser’s vote. As usual, the electors of the Commonwealth proved to be wronged headed (who in his right mind would vote for George McGovern?), and Weld became governor.
Well, now we see that Weld, along with a whole gamut of high-brow supposed Republicans, has come out in favor of Obama. Keyser has been too distracted by death threats from Tony’s Troopers to comment on this, but since the threats seem to be dying down, this would appear to be a good moment to animadvert to this phenomenon. Here is Weld’s reasoning:
It’s not often you get a guy with his combination of qualities, chief among which I would say is the deep sense of calm he displays, and I think that’s a product of his equally deep intelligence.
What in the fuck is that supposed to mean? He not only has “qualities” but he has a “combination” of qualities. Well, shit, why didn’t anyone tell Keyser about this decisive circumstance? Oh, wait a minute. Shit itself has a “combination of qualities,” no? But that doesn’t constitute a qualification to be president. Oh, but there’s more. He displays a sense of “deep sense of calm.” Not sure what that means. A “sense of calm” Keyser gets, but when it become “deep,” doesn’t that mean you’re in a coma? Anyway, how does he manifest this exactly, and what exactly does this betoken? Aren’t the bovine and the cretinous likewise characterized by a deep sense of calm? But no, that’s not the calm we’re talking about. Weld “thinks” that this is “a product of his equally intelligence.” Uh huh. So he doesn’t get worked up because he’s so smart. And what exactly do these smarts consist of? Is it his great accomplishments as a “community organzier” or as a distinguished member of the Illinois state senate? Anyone the least bit familiar with Illinois state government knows what a cesspool of corrution the whole system is, and in any event, he did nothing there. O could it be is prominence in the United State senate? Why, that must be it! After all, he’s renowned far and wide for his bill about… Oh, wait, that can’t be it. But he must be smart because he went to Columbia and Harvard Law School. After all, Mrs. Weld taught ancient Chinese law there!
So it turns out that Obama is great because he’s an honorary member of the snobbish Republican elite. And it seems that snobbish blood runs deeper than one might think. As we all know, William Buckley first became a prominent figure in the conservative movement by writing a book about God at Yale. So it should come as no surprise that his son Christopher, who is supposedly a conservative, has also decided that electing the socialist with Ivy League degrees is the way to go. Here’s his reasoning:
As for Senator Obama: He has exhibited throughout a “first-class temperament” … As for his intellect, well, he’s a Harvard man, though that’s sure as heck no guarantee of anything, these days. Vietnam was brought to you by Harvard and (one or two) Yale men. As for our current adventure in Mesopotamia, consider this lustrous alumni roster. Bush 43: Yale. Rumsfeld: Princeton. Paul Bremer: Yale and Harvard. What do they all have in common? Andover! The best and the brightest.
I’ve read Obama’s books, and they are first-rate. He is that rara avis, the politician who writes his own books. Imagine. He is also a lefty. I am not. I am a small-government conservative who clings tenaciously and old-fashionedly to the idea that one ought to have balanced budgets. On abortion, gay marriage, et al, I’m libertarian. I believe with my sage and epigrammatic friend P.J. O’Rourke that a government big enough to give you everything you want is also big enough to take it all away.
But having a first-class temperament and a first-class intellect, President Obama will (I pray, secularly) surely understand that traditional left-politics aren’t going to get us out of this pit we’ve dug for ourselves. If he raises taxes and throws up tariff walls and opens the coffers of the DNC to bribe-money from the special interest groups against whom he has (somewhat disingenuously) railed during the campaign trail, then he will almost certainly reap a whirlwind that will make Katrina look like a balmy summer zephyr.
So, what do we have here? Buckley supposedly disagrees with Obama on policy, but imagines that because he has “a first-class temperament and a first-class intellect,” he’ll realize that he’s all wrong in being a “lefty” and will turn into–what? Presumably, someone that Thurston Howell III could tolerate at the country club.
What in the hell kind of retarded thinking is this? We belong to a party that supposedly signifies something, but we abandon our own party’s candidate in order to flock around the socialist on the other side because–wait for it–he went to fucking Harvard! Does anyone in his right mind imagine that President Obama along with his pals Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will do their darnedest to balance the budge and put the national interest ahead of their “special interest groups”? Not unless you imagine that the man’s “first-rate temperament and first-rate intellect” also entail “first-rate mendacity” in that for this to be true every single thing that he’s advocated previous was a first-rate lie. And frankly, Keyser is quicker to imagine that Weld and Buckley Jr. are feckless idiots than that Obama is a liar.
Also, note the dissimulation in the argument. Of course, not everyone who went to an Ivy League school is smart. Just look at Bush and his buddies, and the mess they landed us in. But they went to Andover so they don’t count, har har. Regardless of what sort of New England rich-kid parochialism that comment is supposed to signify (sort of reminds Keyser of Homer Simpson’s reference to someone having “the boorish manners of a Yaley”), the point is at once to conceal the actual argument, namely that Obama is okay simply by virtue of his attendance of Columbia and Harvard Law, and to give an underhanded dig at McCain, who presumably is just as disqualified as Bush because he continues to support the US presence in Iraq, and we all known how badly that’s turned out, whereas Obama was and is against the US presence, despite the fact that the failure of Iraq to figure in the campaign shows that the occupation did work out in the end (can you imagine what CNN would be like if there were still bombs going off in Baghdad on a regular basis?).
And we won’t even mention that distasteful Palin woman. She went to some retarded colleges in Idaho and leaves all those “g”s off the ends of words ending in “ng.” Imagine what she’d look like if someone hadn’t dragged her off to Nieman-Markus to buy her decent clothes. And all those “you betcha”s. Good Lord, you’d think we were talking about electing the Des Moines district office chief for Walmart!
So, Keyser was right. Turns out that back in 1990 there actually two Democrats on the ballot, and so Keyser had no alternative but to vote for one of them. It’s just that one of those Democrats took a long time to come out and show his true colors.
[Another grog of 100-proof goodness brought to you from the distillery at Keyser's Lair]