The Storybrook Gardens School of Economics
Those of us who are tired of this economic crisis are searching for answers. Where is the politically correct solution to this diversity of miseries? What multi-cultural approach will narrow the ever widening gap between rich and poor?
Deficits are good. I remember a time when saying you were concerned about deficits would get you called a racist. But that was back in the days of Preston Manning and the Reform party. We know better now, and we know that all white people are racist. As progressives, in a land where everyone who is not a progressive is an extreme right white wing extremist, filled with hatred for all disadvantaged groups of the rainbow of taxspenders, we can now raise up our voices, and cast our votes for the deficit spending needed to bail out the automotive industry, followed by everyone else who has the strength to line up for a wheelbarrow of money. And I want a bailout; I want my own wheelbarrow of other people’s money. Sure, there are some negative side effects of running a debt of some percentage of GDP per year per year. But, who cares? I want a job, I want a job with a pension and benefits so that I can go back to my credit card fuelled lifestyle. Make Harper spend and borrow.
Default on the deficit. Sure, the government will rack up huge debts, to the point where revenue will be insufficient to cover obligations. It is at this time, in some years in the future, that I demand that the Government of Canada default on their debt. Of course, this is silly. We cannot default on the bonds held by our American neighbours. They would probably invade. And that is the key to the problem. The Government of Canada should only default on that debt held by weaker, distant countries that cannot mount an invasion of Canada. Screw them, I say. Let the Canadian bonds held by the Bank of Argentina, say, be repudiated. Our wise socialist leaders can decide which evil foreign powers can be sodomized financially, while our beloved multi-cultural Canadians continue to enjoy the entitlements that they have grown accustomed to. Make Harper default on our foreign debt.
After the default, war. The shock wave sent though the world economy will inevitably lead to some form of war. When the wise Prime Minister defaults on the debt we owe to Japan, say, we can expect the Japanese economy to collapse. Better them than us. International finance and trade will come into disrepute, to be replace with a more Gaia friendly Napoleonic era style of economics. You can debate this, and quibble over the details. But Canada will be prepared. All that foreign capital, used to finance our universal day care, socialist social services sector pensions, and bilingual services, can also be used to build up a strong military. A war machine. We can take the resources that we need to keep the baby boomers safe in their nursing homes, and keep up our eternal war against hunger, obesity, and poverty, and also build the tanks, guns, and planes to keep what is not ours. Make Harper act build Guns and Butter!
Imperialism is the Highest Form of Capitalism. And if the progressives in the Toronto District School Board can consider a segregated high school to not be a segregated high school, and if feminists can support cultures that celebrate female genital mutiliation, sex based infanticide, and wrapping up women in burlap, and if greenies can support immigration of immigrants from a small carbon footprint place to a big carbon footprint place, then we can do the necessary doublethink to embrace Socialist-Imperialism, cut from the cloth of Sulla, William Pitt, and Cecil Rhodes. I want a job, Harper, and I do not care who pays for it, as long as it is not me. Send the grandchildren of the baby boomers to fight for grandma’s nursing home staff. Send the grandchildren of the baby boomers to die for grandpa’s white guilt fuelled recycling fetish. Blood is red, like the flag of the revolution; and the hammer and sickle is gold, the stuff we need to keep us in entitlements and free of white guilt.
This is the three point plan then: Borrow, Default, War. It sure beats having to face another Christ-less Christmas without a vacation in Cuba or non-mandatory garbage recycling. You know I am right, er, left. Anyone who disagrees is a racist.
Borrow and Deficit! Default and Repudiate! War and Plenty!
I, Fenris Badwulf, moral relativist, progressive, and unemployed, wrote this.