What If Obama Ever Aged?

According to a theory advanced by Dr. Michael Roizen, a chief wellness officer at the Cleveland Clinic, due to the extreme stress of the job, Presidents’ of the United States age twice as quickly as regular Joe Six Packs. While this has been true for every President since time, this time it’s going to be different:

The incoming president is also no slacker. Although accused by California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of having skinny legs, Obama regularly frequents the gym and plays basketball. The president-elect was on the cover of Men’s Health in November.

“This is not a broccoli-shunning, pork rind-eating, McDonald’s-popping guy. I mean, this is someone who eats arugula and guacamole and Hawaiian pizza,” Zinczenko told CNN.

I suppose arugula and guacamole cancel out the negative effects of smoking.

I remember a time when smoking use to be bad for you, a time when the medical community all agreed that smoking was evil and had to be stopped. Now though? Not so much, it’s obvious that smoking makes some people simply beautiful.

It matters not that being the President ages people, for even if it ages Obama (pbuh) 200 years, he will still be beautiful. According to doctors, if Obama (pbuh) got hit by a truck and had to have reconstructive facial surgery, he would end up being the most beautiful person ever to have ever survived reconstructive facial surgery. If a hawk pecked his eyes out and made cheese dip of his face, Obama (pbuh) would have the most beautiful cheese-dipped face the world has ever seen. And when Obama’s skin starts to go yellow from smoking, when his teeth get all orange and start to fall out, when his hair goes gray and falls out prematurely, when he gets lung cancer and has to be hooked up to tubes and has a giant hole in his throat and has to open up his windpipe with his pinky finger in order just to grunt, well, he’ll be the most perfectly beautiful cancered President the world has ever seen.

We got ourselves something pretty special on our hands for the next four years folks. Lap it up, bask in the beauty–and intelligence–that is your 44th, or 43rd President of the United States of America.

It’s what’s inside that counts…

6 Responses to “What If Obama Ever Aged?”

  1. Carin Says:

    Well, sure he’ll disintegrate a bit during his time in office, but he starts out as such the epitome of perfect maleness …

    Honestly, I’ll be surprised if more men don’t turn teh gay due to him.

  2. dmorris Says:

    Yep,Mayor, Obama’s one of the “Incorruptibles”, anointed by God Him/Herself to never age or suffer the effects of ill health.

    Obama will leave office in eight years, as smooth and unlined as He is today! Unless overwhelming popularity demands He stay for life. President For Life!

    I like the sound of that! It’s worked for so many others.

    Buy stocks in cigarette companies, quick!

  3. Chris Taylor Says:

    So uh, what’s the moral of the story?

    Is that why more women don’t enter politics? Premature aging?

  4. Two Dogs Says:

    Oh wonderful, at the end of four years our president is going to look like friggin’ GRADY from Sanford and Son. Awesome.

  5. Rocky Says:

    Barack isn’t so devout on the campaign trail, it seems. Thank God for those liberals at Google, because their own image search makes it easy to discredit Obama!

    Here he is enjoying a beer: http://guestofaguest.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/obama-beer-tour.jpg

    Yummy hot dog: http://www.nydailynews.com/img/2008/07/05/amd_obama-hotdog.jpg

    Dunkin’ Donuts: http://blog.mlive.com/elections_source/2008/02/medium_Obama_2008_DCRB106.JPG

    Looks like a churro or something: http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/08/17/us/politics/candidates-eating.jpg

    And this is the stuff he did in public, but I’m sure he was nibbling on a lettuce leaf all the rest of the time. Now that he’s president, he’s suddenly a better eater than all of us, too.

    I don’t remember the media fawning over Bush’s jogging or his near-inhuman heart rate (45 bpm). But they catch Obama-hoff emerging from the surf sucking in his gut and he’s an Adonis.

  6. Rocky Says:

    Oh, and so I don’t forget, THIS is the cover of Men’s Health they are talking about him appearing on: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3219/2952737637_710e24aaff.jpg?v=0

    He’s wearing a shirt and tie, and his rolled-down sleeves aren’t exactly telling me what’s so strong and fit about him.

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