Prior to this morning, I had been held up in my bunker for seven straight days and nights. I had to leave the bunker this morning because I was running dangerously low on supplies. Specifically, I needed more smokes and bourbon. How has the world changed since seven days ago, I wondered? I could only imagine the carnage I was about to see.

I strapped on my Bates Ultra-Lite GTX Boots, put on my DPM combat jacket, and threw a few shells into my ammo dump pouch and hit the road.

I was headed for the Ultra Mart, word is they were having a sale on Prime Sterling AAA Canadian beef. It’s quite delicious actually, and at $4.99 a lb, it’s a fantastic deal. I jumped in my massive gas-guzzling SUV and started on my way.

There were no children playing in their yards, there was no traffic on the streets, there was no activity anywhere. Mind you, it was 4 am, so generally there never is. But this just felt different, like the Global Swine Flu Pandemic™ had devastated my town. I felt sick to my stomach. That could be the Meatza and the three beer I had for breakfast, I couldn’t discount that.

While driving down main street I passed the Taco Bell, a MEXICAN restaurant, and as everyone knows, it’s the Mexicans that have caused The Global Swine Flu Pandemic®. I decided then and there that it was my duty as A World Citizen® to firebomb the Taco Bell.

Fortunately I am always prepared and happened to have a homemade rpg in the back of my massive gas-guzzling SUV. I took it out of the back seat, threw it over my shoulder, said a little prayer to Gaea, and let that bad bastard go. That’ll teach you Mexicans to spread your disease. And it’ll also teach the powers to be at the Taco Bell that charging $1.99 for a soft taco is a crime and won’t be tolerated.

As I watched the smoke rise from the grease bins, I remembered that right next door to the Taco Bell was the Romalski household–A MEXICAN family. Sure, they’ll tell you they’re actually a Polish family, but you know how those Mexicans tend to lie. Going by the adage of better safe than sorry, and figuring I had another warhead at my disposal, I decided that Stanislaw and his comaradas will infect no more. I let the warhead go, and at the exact time the missile crashed into their stoop, I said, “véale más adelante, espuma de la gripe de los cerdos” (see you later, swine flu scum). Sure, it’s a loose translation, but what do I look like, BabelFish?

I did good today, I did damn good. And as I lay on my Ikea Fluffenhepper futon this afternoon (only $399.00 after manufactureres rebate), I knew what I was going to have to do tomorrow: Pay a little visit to my amigos at The Burrito Barn.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 30th, 2009 at 5:27 pm and is filed under Globla Swine Flu Pandemic. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.