I have never been so outraged as I was right when I was first aware of this issue. My hands are shaking like a party fundraiser under questioning. My skin is flushed like a party fundraiser going to see a specialty prostitute. Even my adorable house cat, Mister Whiskers, has rolled over on his alpaca cushion and is dreaming of a world filled with catnip.

Only last night, as I completed my volunteer shift at the inadequately funded Writers Distress and Suicide Block Help Line and Customer Care Center (the WDaSBHLaCC, for short), I remarked to my collegues that there was a great crisis is social funding in this province, and that it would lead to even more of the problems that the funding was supposed to correct. Everyone agreed with me. We need more of your money so that the problems that are getting worse, will get worse less fast, although we also need the money to make your awareness of the worsening problems, more.

The great crisis at the state funded and unaccountable service industries is the lack of fresh, catchy, heart rendering anecdotes and soft science that our friends whom we share and lovers that we trade in the main stream media can use to craft creative writing pieces to beguile and enchant the taxpayers into funding. The center really needs a new cappucino maker. And Starchild’s nephew needs a job, and would make a great center director, but the pay of $60,000 per annum is not a living wage.

We racked our brains as we sat in the conference room, eating lightly of steak, boneless chicken breasts, and bar-b-que shrimp, washed down with Ale, Pilsener, and Jack Daniels. The center was having to cut back on the free meals for the staff. We were all feeling sad, and rejected by society at large. We felt justified in the few acts of crime we had committed … it was just acting out against the racist white majority, who hate everything progressives stand for, vote for them, and pay for them. Starchild had urinated into a car that had the window rolled down in order to fight global warming. Moonbeam had sabotaged bags of pancake mix with LSD in order to fight racist sterotypes by poisoning innocents in a act of terrorism that he blamed on George Bush and not himself.

Funding fascism to fight fascism was not getting us anywhere. The non-progressive whites were all too busy being concerned about the depression to care much about helping socialism by destroying their own lives by uttering national socialist slogans. They just sat around and grumbled as they lost their homes, families, cars, and hopes to have a life like their ancestors. Useless.

Twin-souled. Now the twin-souled marketing meme has not really taken off like it was supposed to. I blame George Bush. But maybe we can re-work the idea to bring in the cash we activists need to get the cappucino maker we need to help us raise money for sustainable funding so that Starchild’s nephew can be a program director.

Like, who says the twin-souled have to have human souls? This was the suggestion from Fat Fatima, a red-headed activist who is struggling with the burden of obesity. She always denied that she had a white soul, and that instead she was twin-souled, but that both her twin souls were not white, but Berber. As such, she was entitled to entitlements, such as illegal immigrant funding, and consideration as a mitigating factor in sentencing for her lifelong affection for shoplifting. Now Fat Fatima says that she has one soul that is female and Berber, and another that is a female squid. So why can’t everybody have the opportunity to demand funding and entitlements for having a soul that is worthy of funding and entitlements.

Now, you can claim funding and get cheques and not have to demonstrate actual causes. Your twin soul can be whatever gendered species you want to get you the cash you need. Have an extinct species that you favour and deserves a cheque? Passenger pidgeon? Urban skunk? Feckless nematode? Just channel your inner activist and be the twin-souled one who gets the social assistance cheque

I, fenris badwulf, wrote this.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 20th, 2009 at 1:31 pm and is filed under News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.