The Urban Viking

Europes last village peoples to resist the evils of Christianity, embracers of a sustainable lifestyle, and a strong voice for open borders. As a Viking-Canadian, I celebrate Canada as a place where I can celebrate my culture, language, and customs with the support of taxpayers money. And what better way to celebrate my culture than to go ‘a-Viking’? Like most Vikings, I am opposed to all forms of gun ownership or possession. Instead, I carry a chain mace.

The Chain Mace. I taught myself how to use this while homeless. There are plenty of great resources on the subject *.

You can make your own mace, too. You will want to personalize yours for weight, size, number of balls, length of chain, and accessorize with spikes or nubs. I like the three headed chain mace.

Care and use. Aside from rust, your chain mace will require little maintenance. It is an earth friendly device that has a small carbon footprint. I prefer a leather grip for its no slip properties. Sometimes the handle gets slippery from sweat or gore. You can treat the handle with mink oil to keep it fresh.

Tactics. As a novice, dealing with an armed opponent is beyond my skill set, so I prefer opponents who are unarmed. This is a good way to master the basics of offensive technique. In my personal experience, I have found that attacking from behind is also very effective and you can take your time to land a good whump or two before your new friend can respond, if they can respond at all.

Bicyclists make good people to share Viking culture with. After you whump them, they inevitably fall over and entangle themselves in the twisted wreckage. With a bit of planning, they can arrest their momentum in a bridge abuttment or block wall. Then, it is much easier to help yourself, taxspender style, to their wallet or purse for some whiskey money. On one hilarious occasion, a cyclist eluded my swing and peddled off at speed, screaming at the top of his lungs. He drove into a mound of garbage (ah, Toronto!) where he offered up his wallet in exchange for his life, even without having lost consciousness.

Of course, bicycles and cars are bad for the environment. You can practice your eye shots on the headlights, and bicycle tires go pop in a very amusing way.

I am thankful to Set, the Snake God that I can explore my Viking culture here in Canada, and share it with so many. Unfortunately, Canada is a racist shithole, and I do not feel welcome or accepted by Canadian society. One man, a racist, called me names after I broke his collar bone. This hurt my feelings. Another man made homophobic remarks as he limped away. After he trod in a dog turd (ah, Toronto!), he insulted Lesbians. I believe the taxpayers of Canada owe me a community center.

I, Fenris Badwulf, who cares, wrote this

xpd Mitchieville, DustMyBroom

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 16th, 2009 at 4:23 pm and is filed under Fenris. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.