Lindsay Lohan and the Mayor

The Mayor has a long and sophisticated relationship with Hollywood celebrities. This piece, taken from June 2005, illustrates the Mayors caring, compassionate nature; which the Hollywood types are drawn to, like women to Superman.

This picture represents the only known time Lindsay Lohan has ever cast a shadow.

Lindsay Lohan was in Mitchieville yesterday trying to generate some publicity for a new dietary supplement she’s promoting. Mitchieville always has Hollyweird stars dropping by and promoting movies and products and all sorts of junk, it’s exciting for the general public, of course, but it bores me to no extent.

Lindsay was promoting “Vanished”, the new weight loss pill that really seems to be taking California by storm. Apparently, if you take “Vanished” you can lose up to 50 pounds in one week, with no side effects. It’s worked miracles on Lindsay, she went from being a rather sexy 128lbs just last week, to weighing just 82lbs as of yesterday.

Lindsay is a darling girl, a real treat, I just love her to death. Sure she’s starting to look like a coat hanger, but she’s a very smart girl who shows lots of promise. She is such a *grounded* person, completely refreshing to be around, I can’t get enough of her, and not because there isn’t much of her left, but because she enthralls me, she makes me feel at ease.

Lindsay and I ended up going to Chez Resois for dinner, the most expensive restaurant in Mitchieville. When we got inside the restaurant, you could have heard a pin drop. Every eye was on Lindsay, most people were squinting, of course, because it’s nearly impossible to actually *see* Lindasy anymore, but still, the “awes” and “wows” soon turned the dining establishment into an electric atmosphere.

We ordered our drinks, I had a double rye and ginger, while Lindsay had a Nyquil shooter with a bourbon chaser. She is all class, nothing but class. We then ordered our appetizers. I chose *cumin and caraway crusted lamb kofte, pinenut sauce, chili harissa*, while Lindsay decided to just chew on an old pencil I had in my pocket.

Dinner was extraordinary, I ordered the *pan roasted Alaskan halibut — chickpea puree, green chard, picholine olives, chermoula*, and Lindsay had a stick of gum that she peeled off from under the table.

Desert was wonderful, I indulged in a chocolate treat, a slice of *chocolate covered cherry pie*, while Lindsay skipped dessert and went to the washroom and threw up.

What a fantastic evening, over dinner we talked about all the Hollyweird *stars*, and how we would like to kick them all in the balls and slap their disgusting faces. Lindsay did nod off a few times, it seems she just didn’t have much energy, she is one of the hardest working Hollyweird celebrities, after all. However, when she was awake, we laughed and joked and had a ball.

After dinner we went back to the Manor for a few drinks, and a little *us* time. I’m telling you, as God is my witness, what energy Lindsay didn’t have at dinner, she sure made up for it back at my place. It’s as if she was on some sort of drug or something because I could hardly keep up with her. She started rambling on about nonsense, talking a mile a minute and just fluttering like a bird on speed. I calmed her down though, oh, I calmed her down ;)

After a few drinks for me, and a couple *diet pills* for Lindsay, we decided it was time to turn in. I shouldn’t be telling you this, because it’s not good to kiss and tell, but I’m busting at the seams to tell my good readership what happened in the bedroom. Let’s just say that Lindsay is one sick mofo, my Lord, she’s a freakin’ psycho. Think of all your dirty sexual fantasies and them magnify them by 10,000, that’s Lindsay Lohan. The things I did to Lindsay a farmer wouldn’t do to livestock.

She is getting rather skinny though. At one point I was going at it, when all of a sudden I stopped and realized it wasn’t Lindsay under me, but it was the telephone cord, I could hardly tell the difference. Still though, after I made the correction we were back and running and everything was good.

If I had to rate Lindsay’s performance in the sack, I have to say that she is perfectly adequate. She’s a very giving person, sometimes too giving. At one point I thought I broke her spine, yet she hardly noticed the incredibly loud crack her back made when I tied her up like a pretzel. She’s just so skinny, it was like molding Playdough.

I’ll never see Lindsay again, of course, I tired of her quickly. She’s fun for a night, but I could never see myself making a commitment to someone like her, she’s a free spirit, a lone wolf. I’ll just have to live on the memories of our night, and leave it at that.

When Lindsay was walking out the door, I called her back and gave her a friendship ring. The night before she was yammering on about how nice it would be if I gave her a ring, how that would be a symbol of the greatest night she has ever spent on planet earth. Luckily I keep a few hundred rings for such an occasion. I went to slip the ring on her finger, but her digits are so bony that the ring slipped all the way up to her wrist. So I said to her, “don’t worry baby face, just tell the paparazzi’s I gave you a bracelet”. Then we laughed out loud, then she broke down and cried. She knew in her heart that I would never call her again.

One Response to “Lindsay Lohan and the Mayor”

  1. marc in calgary™ Says:

    … never call her what again?

    and,

    was your alaskan halibut personally murdered by Sarah? could you still see the dent in the halibut’s head?

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