Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2011

Sargon called in sick today. He has a poor attendance record. As an astrologer, he is pretty good at putting curses on people the Mayor does not like, but just does not churn out the product that a sadistic slave driver like the Mayor likes to see. I will just have to do my duty to the Mayor and You, the People of Mitchieville and write the darn horoscope myself.

Sargon has no secrets from me. He has a three ring binder, full of his private notes: it explains everything. I can use Google translator for the Latin. I will just help myself to his private coffee maker, push some stuff aside on that strange stone table he has (to make room for my briefcase) , and give you the Horoscope for the week of March 11, 2011…

A witches storm descends upon the planet. It is dangerous, at times, to be seen by the Sun or Moon. Take shelter in darkness. Avoid crowds, and wear silver. This is a storm that will drive people mad. The short few days of thaw have raised up false hopes in the minds of the deluded, those deniers of empirical reality. This second winter will drive them mad, as was foretold long ago, by Nostradamus.

Each sign has their own fate this week. By signs of the zodiac you will march into the future, towards destiny.

Aries: You are going to be recruited by a secret society, Aries. They have strange beliefs, an animal headed god, and access to cheap drugs, easy sex, and good bourbon. Just remember to wear underwear without holes in it on Tuesday. They will explain everything to you as you go along. Do pay attention to the words, and do not step on the snake.

Taurus: Return to your roots, Taurus. Abandon the soft practices of the perfumed weaklings of this so-called ‘civilization’. No more cutlery. Cutlery just slows you down. It starves you of the life force found in your food. Return to the pleasures of eating with your hands, tearing apart your bread and meat with your fingers. Start today. You will be feared.

Gemini: In some cultures, they put the baby into the oven, to keep it safe from the bedbugs. Of course, the oven is not on. Your task, Gemini, is to prepare a convincing presentation to Human Resources that expressing anger towards people who routinely store their infants inside the oven is racism. When you walk in a telemarketer’s shoes for a mile, you will use another’s credit card to get a taxi.

Cancer: If you ever wondered why fighter pilots listen to Black Metal, you will understand after you arrive at work on Wednesday morning. You can kiss the ground at your joy of being alive. You will shake your fist at the Sun and demand Strength and Justice. Swear an oath of vengeance on an obsidian altar, only.

Leo: You are the lone voice of sense and reason in your world. Has everyone gone mad over slush in their sandals? They are really children, they just look like adults.

Virgo: Strange people worship strange pagan gods. But, they share your taste in pizza. In fact, they look like you and I. There are more of them out there, acting like Christians, but really quite pagan. Tuesday will be important to you, hopefully you will not get bitten.

Libra: The planet is not in equilibrium: It is moving towards it, that point of harmony and peace. You get to push this week, Libra. If you push hard, equilibrium is reached sooner, but if you push too hard, the point is passed. If you do not push, you will feel frustrated. When you have inner balance, then you can push. And then again, it is Festival for you. Burn the ugliness out of your world. You get to do this once every age, Libra. Revel in your time.

Scorpio: Misery loves company, and you are a weekend guest. Watch everybody suffer from your throne of onyx. Find a crown of iron to wear. Those who are miserable that you despise: push them into madness. Those you admire: soothe and comfort. Wear clean socks.

Sagittarius: The axis of evil is perpendicular to your basis plane. This will surprise you when you make this realization on Wednesday. Even if your life is complicated (the universe is bigger!), it will appeal to your nature. A good field of vision is your first requirement in a helmet.

Capricorn: You will win the lottery this week. While others may suggest you have dark purposes, add their names to your go away list. Indulge in whores, drugs, and the ritual suffering of your enemies. Someone has their skull made into a cup this week, Capricorn, and it is not you. People are filled with fear at your approach.

Aquarius: Your sign has the closest conscious relationship with the Invisible Hand of the Free Market. The ancients called this force Jormangund. While other signs are more apt to do Jormangunds’ work (Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo), you get to have a more conscious, human level relationship. So as you watch Midgard snake rise up and eat people for snack, supper, and brunch, realize why they have garlands of parsley.

Pisces: You will win the lottery this week. If your future wealth brings you unhappiness, your future Pisces self will travel back in time and try to sabotage your lottery ticket purchase. Your house plants may react poorly to this confusing situation. Your cat is getting fat: it is because more than one of you are feeding it.

Confidential in Hillsburgh: Two bags of lime, and a bag of all-purpose grass seed.

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