Horoscope for the week of June 26, 2011

The three outer planets are either stationary or in retreat this week. Which is to say there is a retreat from progress. Certainly with Uranus stationary in Aries we will see not much happening in the area of scientific breakthrough or your own personal life. The other powers maximus, Pluto and Neptune are both retrograde. The forces of the decaying past appear to be in control. So, look to see who is smug: they are doomed. You may note subtle changes in the behavior of our ruling aristocracy: they are under the control of ruling Neptune (in Pisces) and are feeling the tide go out, even as it prepares to just come back in again.

Aries: Your plans for total world domination are put on hold this week. There will be an accident in the lab involving electricity. Your interest in pyrokinesis will achieve a breakthrough, but will not be fully under your control until after December 10th of this year.

Taurus: It is a great week to be you, Taurus. Your taste for group sex is realized when you dally with twins. Take pictures; nobody will believe you, even your spouse. Oh, and you will find and exciting new way to make money that does not involve strong arm robbery.

Gemini: Your doppelganger makes a reappearance this week. A small child will claim that you are a malevolent entity, but this is based on a dream. Maybe you should wear your silver amulet this week, and make someone else walk the dog, especially after dark.

Cancer: Your memories of your escapades as a werewolf will come back after you sample some rather fine liqueur. There is something strange going on not far from where you park your car. Make sure that your sexual activities include having blood drawn while being bitten.

Leo: Someone is plotting against you at work. Trust nobody, especially people who are wearing amulets made from rodents. Your stock portfolio will do very well this week. You will stumble across a great sale on shoes, but only buy two pair, as the store is really in a portal between dimensions.

Virgo: If you work in retail, you should categorize your customers by their value in human sacrifice. On Wednesday, if you get on an elevator alone you will be transported to an unpleasant future, filled with flesh eating zombies. Charge the battery on your cell phone.

Alternately, you should be careful getting onto elevators alone. This will be your portal to a thirty five hour ordeal of sweaty discomfort. You will have the feeling that you are being watched, tested, by some bellicose agent, testing your metal. Screaming yourself to sleep will have no effect.

Libra: This is the week filled with rising tension. You can almost feel the earthquake squeeze the bedrock upon which you walk. The big shake is not until next week, so do not worry. Get your laundry caught up, and run up your credit cards.

Scorpio: Empty the trunk of you car, and line it with plastic, maybe a tarp or a sheet of canvas. On the day when you are putting a body in there, you will find that you need room for two. This will happen on Wednesday, if you are born at night; otherwise, Thursday.

Sagittarius: Your supervisor has made a pact with an ancient, evil demon. You must drive a stake (made of wood, not a piece of electrical tubing or plastic plumbing pipe) through his heart if you want to be free of this force of darkness.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan. Buy a new deck of tarot cards. Take your oldest deck and write out what you want to have happen, then bury the deck with the request. Do this at night, and use ink this time. If you see a rabbit by day, you will find money as well.

Aquarius: The best way to make someone see reason is to bury them up to the neck in sand. Your opportunity will be on Thursday. Tell the neighbors that it is performance art, after that you must decide between pouring honey on them (for the ants), or digging them up.

Pisces: One of your friends is really a powerful magician with a strange sense of humor. He will bring you a gift which will help you to develop your powers of pyrokinesis. You should have quite a list of people who need to be disintegrated by now, Pisces. You only have a few more weeks left before you have to start throwing thunderbolts.

3 Responses to “Horoscope for the week of June 26, 2011”

  1. Andy Says:

    Pastor Fenris…not intense offended here, but the chick Saragon has a better bed-side manner.

    I mean, I’m a Virgo…and I ride elevators (alone often) while I’m workin’ for THE MAN.

    The Saragon chick would have said something like, “You will get stuck on an elevator just about two minutes before you clock out while working for THE MAN on Friday evening. And the most retarded Maintenance employee in the history of the cosmos will be on duty. Use these two days to build your inner self…pee in your pants, and learn to enjoy it…learn to hold back bowel movements…you’ll survive the apocolypse if you do.”

    Just sayin’…

  2. Fenris Badwulf Says:

    This will cost you a blue privilege token.

  3. maddinosaur Says:

    It’s obvious that Andy is possessed by something unprogressive and needs a painful exorcism.

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