Are You On A Gluten-Free Diet? Keep At It, Psycho

A new report that looks into the psychiatric impacts of leading a gluten-free lifestyle, has concluded that having such a restrictive diet has shown to “cause depression, disordered eating and impaired quality of life in women suffering from celiac disease”. Not only that, gluten-free people are royal pains in the ass (that’s on a personal note from The Mayor):

In their study, researchers found that women who adhered to strict gluten-free diets also reported higher rates of stress, depression, and body image issues compared to the general population.

Where their study falls short, researchers say, is understanding what comes first: disordered eating or depression.

Not only does celiac disease impose a slew of dietary restrictions, the illness also increases “psychosocial distress,’’ said study co-author Josh Smyth of Penn State.

“Going out to eat with friends or to a holiday potluck is a much different experience for these people because they have to be vigilant and monitor their diets,’’ he said in a statement. “They may feel that they are a burden on a host or hostess.

And that’s because they are. Now, The Mayor isn’t saying every gluten-freebie is an attention-seeking maggot who should be beaten within an inch of their worthless life with a plugged-in iron, but who among us hasn’t thought after hearing Suzie tell us how hard it is for her to find gluten-free products in grocery stores, “boy, I betcha she’d look a whole hell of a lot better if someone threw her out of a moving transport truck”.

Gluten-freebies are the equivalent of the reformed smoker, but only a billion times worse. With reformed smoker’s, you know that eventually they’ll shut up with their boring stories and move on to another subject (usually as boring, but at least it’s a new subject); but gluten-freebies feel as though they’re martyr’s or something and have no trouble rambling on and on about personal nutrition choices they made that not one single soul in the entire universe gives one smelly bowel movement about.

Gluten-freebies are more likely to be depressed, stressed-out and psychotic because that’s what they started out as. Eating gluten-free products didn’t make them that, that’s what they always were. Sure, some of them are probably good people with a fantastic outlook on life, but more likely they’ll be people who should be wrapped in a carpet and thrown off a bridge.

That’s The Mayor’s personal opinion on this matter, he’s very glad you took the time to read his thoughts. Thank you.

8 Responses to “Are You On A Gluten-Free Diet? Keep At It, Psycho”

  1. Andy Says:

    You’re welcome.

    I have a cousin that is gluten intolerant.

    It was discovered when he/she was just a small child, but he/she continued to consume mass quantities of gluten.

    Still does.

    I WILL NOT go on with the details of how things turned out for him/her, because he might look at this, and feel violated because I told everybody on the planet.

    But, it’s not pretty.

    Trust me.

    It’s not.

    Gluten just might be satanic…don’t know myself, because it hasn’t bohtedred me one bti!

  2. Mr Fnortner Says:

    Cold, Mr Mayor. But somebody had to tell it! I had a friend who couldn’t eat mushrooms because somehow the fungus would invade his system and kill him. He suffered, and bored us, just as badly as the gluten freebies. Only, it was just friggin mushrooms, for crisake. Anyway, we mostly ignored him and were grateful it wasn’t alcohol or something that would have really mattered.

  3. cudgel Says:

    I’m feeling a bit down today so I think I’ll go out on the stoop and burn one.

  4. Malcolm Says:

    Gluten is what holds pizza dough together.
    All that I’m saying is… give Pizza a chance

  5. The Mayor Says:

    Amen, brother Malcolm.

  6. dmorris Says:

    All three of my kids are gluten intolerant or allergic to it,and cooking for them is hell!

    A guy wrote a book with the cheery title,”No Wheat,No Problem”. Suffice to say,it should have been retitled ,”The Recipe Book of Constant Sorrows”.

    I’ve issued a fatwa agin’ the author,and will pay a handsome reward to anyone who will kidnap the guy and force him to cook gluten free recipes for three teenagers for a month!


  7. J.M. Heinrichs Says:

    Eat meat and quit complaining.


  8. rhebner Says:

    ever try to find a decent restaurant in a strange city with a gluten-free casein-free kid? It ain’t fun, trust me.

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