The Mayor, DMorris, And Zimmerman The Jew
As we do every Wednesday evening, The Mayor, DMorris, and the Jew Zimmerman got together at The Manor for a little Greco Roman wrestling. Typically, we like to wrestle each other about 25 times a night; three 3 minute bouts, with the winner sitting out the next bout, while the loser wrestles the guy who was on the sideline. After a few hours of wrestling we take a thirty minute break and enjoy a delicious Coho salmon ring with a spectacular cream cheese filling. The wrestling improves our upper-body strength and gives us better conditioning overall, while the Coho salmon ring gives us energy and tastes plain wonderful.
As The Mayor threw the Jew Zimmerman to the ground and pinned him for the zillionth time, we all took a break to enjoy our amazing Coho salmon ring. Usually we don’t talk much whilst eating our Coho salmon ring, as Coho is a food to reflect upon, not to jibber jabber with. But DMorris was in a chatty Cathy type ‘O mood and asked the Jew Zimmerman a question: “Say, what kind of a name is Zimmerman, are you German or something.”
“No, not German. Although many ignorant people think that, and some idiots even go as far as Goggling it up to find out the origin of my name. There was even one time when some sloppy malcontent spinster type said, ‘it’s German, as anyone with half a brain in their skull, at least in this part of the world, should know. Or so I thought.” She then went and Googled my name to find out if what she said was true. Imagine, calling someone a moron based on information she didn’t actually know, then going to Google to find out if what she said was true. In other words, some moron called my buddy a moron because he knew at the time exactly the same information she knew. Then she posted it on her shitty website, a website that is as boring as watching Coho salmon fishing, and some of her followers read it and started nodding their collective heads like trained seals.
It’s those *mightier than thou* attitudes that bug the crap out of me, The Jew Zimmerman went on to say. Like I need some broad who owns 12 cats defending me. What I need is for the hypocrites to mind their own bloody business and leave the thoughtful analysis to those that who actually have lives. The old and bitter and best served complaining about their bagels at Timmy’s, leave everything else to those with a pulse and a waking braincell.
We all agreed, and then laughed at the ignorance of old women with cats.
But DMorris wasn’t finished with that, the racist in him wouldn’t let it go.
“Are you sure you aint a Kraut? I mean, I heard that Zimmerman was a Kraut name?”
“Look, Dmorris, does Zimmerman sound like a Kraut name? Really? It’s as Jewish as lox. Was Bob Dylan a Kraut? Think about it.”
“Okay, Zimmerman, let’s say you ARE a Jew, tell me, what’s the deal with Jews having precious metals at the end of their names, like…”
“Ya, I know, like Gold and Silver and Diamond, right?”
“Yes. Why don’t Jews have other metals like bronze and aluminium and cobalt?”
With that, Don reached across the table and grabbed the Jew Zimmerman by the throat, threw him off his chair, flew across the table and put him in a leg lace, ‘Tell me you’re a Kraut, Zimmerman, tell me or I’ll bust your leg!”
But Zimmerman would not admit to his German heritage, he was obviously Jew proud.
DMorris released the Jew Zimmerman from his leg lace and put him back in his chair and hand fed him some delicious Coho salmon from the Coho salmon ring with cream cheese filling (available at Sobey’s this week for only $14.95 plus applicable taxes).
“You’re alright, Zimmerman, said DMorris, you’re alright. For a Jew.”
And with that the three amigos laughed and laughed and laughed until a spot of seafood juice dripped from our left nipples. All at the same time. It was wonderful.
In conclusion: The Mayor, DMorris, and the Jew Zimmerman all came from different backgrounds. Zimmerman is supposedly a Jew (but Jews lie a lot, so we may never know), while The Mayor is Presbyterian, and DMorris is a filthy agnostic. We all come from different financial upbringings, different cultures, and different whatevers. But even though that’s the truth, the one thing that binds us together is our love of Greco Roman wrestling, coho salmon rings with cream cheese filling, and our hatred for old buttinski cat women who should know better than to stick their crooked noses into other peoples business. That pisses us off the most. Listen, cat women – don’t jump into a conversation halfway without knowing what’s going on, don’t start calling people racists without even knowing the first thing about them, and don’t comment on websites when you’re not familiar with the culture of said website. And for the followers of cat women websites – grow a freaking brain and stop bobbing your heads up and down like a plastic duck sipping water. You typical liberal idiots are driving the world insane, stop your shit and think for a second. Assholes.