King St. W. and Dundurn
Aug. 31: A man wearing a disguise of a rabid chicken and holding a pair of soiled underwear tells shoppers in a Yarn Barn not to move. A security guard approaches which sends the suspect running empty-handed, except for said soiled underwear. He flees on a motorized skateboard removing the disguise and soiled gotchies. He was last seen climbing down a sewer hole. Police are investigating.
Birch Ave. and Harvey St.
Sept. 1: Witnesses report a man driving donuts around the parking lot at Diversity Park, shooting debris and rocks from the tires at 6:30 p.m. The man exits the park quickly, almost hitting two raccoon’s and a dog tied to a fire hydrant. As police speak to the witness, the suspect drives by as a passenger of another vehicle going south on Birch Ave. Police stop the car, and shoot 11 warning shots into his back The 28-year- old man’s funeral will be held at the Firkin and the Bankers Slut Wife, at 2 pm Wednesday.
Upper Gage St. at Brucedale Ave. E.
Sept. 3: A woman waiting for a bus at 6 a.m. is approached by a man who asks for directions. He then pulls out an unbuttered cucumber sandwich and asks her to spread Miracle Whip on it or he’ll punch her in the vagina. He grabs face with a hockey glove and yelled obscenities in a foreign language (possibly Spanish or Ebonic) . It’s unknown if he drove or if someone was waiting for him. Police are investigating.
Mitchieville- The Mitchieville Community Police Service have received approximately 3 reports of stolen bicycles between June 2012 and August 2012. The Mitchieville Community Police Service would like to remind bicycle owners to take the time to lock your bicycles, place it in a secure shed, garage or risk losing it. These thefts have been reported throughout Mitchieville and the bicycle range in sizes. Also, remember Mitchieville’s Castle Law (wink wink, nudge nudge).