Horoscope for the week of December 2, 2012

One last week before the big three get their act together and march forward into the future together. This is the last week of confusing scientific discoveries. If you are in the loop, do not despair. It will start to make sense next week. Mars is distracted and is losing the race to Venus. This happens all the time, but it does distract the War God from his duties and responsibilities. The People are happy this week. Things are going their way, and anything unpleasant that happens on Monday will be explained away by the usual suspects. Your personal destiny is written in the stars, of course. Read on to discover what the stars have planned for you.

Aries: The War God has plans for you this week, Aries. Gird your loins to resist tyranny. Expect an ambush, but you will be the ultimate victor. A valuable trophy will be yours. A little something stuck on a fence post will tell the riff raff you mean business.

Taurus: If you want your problems to stay solved, drive a stake through their heart. You face the Hydra this week: for each head you cut off, two will grow. And it has bad breath. Keep three stakes in the trunk of your car, and a good dependable mallet.

Gemini The forces of evil need paper pushers, wielders of paperclips, and competent users of the stapler. There is more than one faction involved here. Actually, six. Notes and diagrams will help you sail the swamp of treachery.

Cancer: What a great week. Domestic tasks are light, shopping will find you bargains, and food tastes better than usual. You have drawn a week of rest and recreation: the Army of Light wants you refreshed for the greater struggles. But that is not this week.

Leo: So, who is minding the store? Be careful, or it will be you. When you go shopping and find the sales staff absent, it is your opportunity to shift into another dimension.

Virgo: You are due for a career advancement, and someone will die to make room for you at the top. Nobody will suspect the obvious, because they are too stupid to put two and two together.

Libra: You are slowly putting distance between yourself and the unpleasant. Cleanse your space this week to banish the demons. The final concentrated evil will reside in your vacuum cleaner bag. Make it go away, and far.

Scorpio: Embrace empty headed pop culture, even as your clever mind wraps itself around matters deep, golden, and hot blooded. The inevitable is coming, and treasures will flow into your hands. Wear gloves.

Sagittarius: The Law is an Ass. You are attacked by monsters made of paper mache with machinery made from paper clips, staples, and pen springs. The cleansing power of fire is recommended.

Capricorn: Advancements in evil science will light your way to the fulfillment of some short term purpose. Listen to martial music to cleanse your mind; then vary it with bubble gum pop.

Aquarius: Space aliens have gifted some strange technology to the human race, but nobody has read the instruction manual but you. Actually, you will find it in some dusty files, the manual that is.

Pisces The powers of the human mind are formidable and largely unknown. This week you will expand your powers of domination and recruit more fanatic minions to your service. Have food prepared while you have sex.

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