Philippines Total Global Warming Disaster Watch

The world’s worst environmental disaster was the worst on record when the reports from the hotel bars in Manila started to come in before the Typhoon of Doom actually arrived. There was talk of dead people. There was talk of people left homeless when their huts were blown away by the big bad wind. It must have been pretty grim in the dark light of the bar, lit only by the back lights of the liquor shelf. To watch such news on the flat screens where normal scenes, like the traditional transgendered sex acts, would have been traumatic. The journo’s would have switched from see through drinks, like the vodka martini, to opaque ones, like the brown cow. If only to blot out the scenes of horror that they would have to rewrite for later. The horror was the worst. Then, it got worser.

This perfect third world paradise, never touched by environmental disaster, got fracked. Now our hotel dwelling journos have to interview cleaning staff and waiters for insight into the sufferings of the people outside. My heart bleeds. My anger at Global Warming deniers becomes a rage.

A moment of sanity. Peace can return to your heart. You need to escape to a caring place where people care about people. That place is the Mayor of Mitchieville Memorial Aquatic Center. There is ample parking in the parking lot (built with a grant to fund research into bicycle lanes along the 401). There is accommodation for gimps in the crip parking lot, around the back by the compost pits and the bear feeder. As you climb the steps you take in the majesty of the Hall of Majesty, devoted to relics from the life and works of The Mayor of Mitchieville (this includes his first car, set on blocks and leaking oil; and the preserved heads of his enemies, in keeping with his cultural beliefs). The soaring ceiling, the glass roof, the state of the art lighting inspires you to a greater vision of world order (and completely funded with government subsidy to promote literacy amongst street people). There are many delights, refreshments, and diversions to titillate the senses and realign your magnetic field. But today, it is Philippines Total Global Warming Disaster Watching gloom dispelling at the Mayor of Mitchieville Memorial Aquatic Center. Come, let yourself be hypnotized. You will become calm. Relax. Enter the poplar paneled Mayor of Mitchieville Memorial Aquatic Center’s Global Warming Awareness Sauna. There is a diversity of towels to accommodate your every need. You need a big towel? Something smaller to fold up and park under your rump? And we have colors, too. Baby blue for those seeking the sky. Bright yellow for the sunny at heart. And imperial purple worked with eagles in gold for the historically minded.

You can fight Global Warming. Come to the Mayor of Mitchieville Memorial Aquatic Center. Feed your problems to the compost pit. Celebrate nature’s wonder as you watch bears and crocodiles recycle the way Mother Nature intended. Have a sauna. Become refreshed. Tell them that Fenris sent you, and receive a privilege token! Soothe yourself with pre industrial tranquility

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

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