Horoscope for the week

Aries: That party you get invited to will develop into an orgy.  Have some fun and wear clean underwear.  Maybe use that special soap you have been saving since Christmas last.

Taurus: You will get some public attention on Tuesday.  It might involve the law, so temper your road rage impulses.  Better to be the onlooker who gets interviewed rather than the perp on the news.

Gemini: Your unusual sexual tastes are being captured on video.  Expect a shock when you recognize yourself while porn surfing.  Time to reassess your selection in tradesmen.

Cancer: Make a quick buck on Saturday selling something with marginal value.  One of the pieces of paper money you receive will be counterfeit.

Leo: When a drug deal goes bad at work, expect some excitement.  Drowning someone in a toilet is something that only happens in movies, or so you thought.  Be prepared for a mess.

Virgo: Read the documents carefully, no one else has.  If you can short sell the stock of your employer, you will make a windfall thanks to inside knowledge.

Libra: Pick a Roman Emperor noted for codifying law.  You will learn from their example.  Be careful with food you find in the office refrigerator.

Scorpio: A hated co-worker will be sucked into another dimension, only to reappear next week as a steaming, cooked carcass in a janitors closet.  Check the label on the microwave.

Sagittarius: A hated task at work can be turned to your advantage.  Put aside your plans to glue your boss to his desk for now.  A better opportunity is around the corner.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan.  Your secret agenda of Total World Domination is moving forward, one domino at a time.  Expect good news from an agent of the underworld.

Aquarius: You will have the opportunity to help someone less fortunate than yourself this week.  Give them what they need, rather than what they want.  Leave no fingerprints on your offering.

Pisces: If you are reading this, you have been duped into walking through a portal to a parallel universe.  The path back is in the kitchen.  Check the label on the microwave.

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