Horoscope for the Week

Aries: Long term strategic planning for the conquest of a distant planet is being performed on your computer by an alien intelligence. You should pay more attention to the games loaded on your devices.

Taurus: Eating too much never was so good than it gets this week, Taurus. Growling will impress your host, and this host is someone you want to impress. Study Polish war movies for dining etiquette.

Gemini: A dark power has planted dragons teeth close to where you walk your dog. Make sure you clean up after your pet. Piddle is ok, but the nascent war spirits do not much like turd. Best to keep on the good side of the war gods.

Cancer: The long dead spirit of one of your heroic ancestors is looking for you. If you hear martial music when no one else can, in places where you really do not expect to hear it, then they are close by. Be assured, they like you.

Leo: You are the one calm one in the room. Someone needs a punch in the throat and who, but you Leo, are the one to administer administrative justice? Not enough people admire you for your shining example.

Virgo: This week will be all battle stations, alarms, and, on Thursday, a close call. Be judicious in your choices of routes to work, and keep your negotiating wits about you when you are approached by an extraterrestrial power looking for mercenaries for a high (very high) tech conflict. Ask for more, and get it.

Libra: Soothing words are needed during a difficult moment at one of those Roman orgies you like to attend. Let the Senator drink the wine first. If you do not know the words to the Peronist march, just pretend you do.

Scorpio: Does your bookkeeping system account for found money? There is just too much money around. You will find it, in large amounts, in all sorts of hilarious places. Do not let these windfalls make you too serious.

Sagittarius: Study the forest laws of King John for some good examples to guide you in your work this week. If members of the clergy are not pleading for mercy on behalf of some one, then you are not doing your job. Do not get soft.

Capricorn: You will win the lottery this week. Listen to German march music for inspiration. You need a steady pace and a good siege mentality to get through this week of obnoxious primate chatter.

Aquarius: You will find one of the lost notebooks of evil this week. If you are brave enough to read it, you will find yourself nostalgic for the simplicity of the Dark Ages. Maybe you should read more history. Maybe live it, too.

Pisces: Your mastery of an ancient art will pay off in gold, silver, and diamonds this week. Make a suitable offering to Thor, Wotan, and Frey to show how reasonable you are. As for those other religions around you, just pretend you care.

I, Fenris Badwulf, wrote this. I care.

3 Responses to “Horoscope for the Week”

  1. Steamboat McGoo Says:

    I’m an Aries and I just discovered that the pesky aliens you mention used my PC Amazon account & Visa card to order a butt-load of sharpened Titanium rods and 3 bushels of raw ginger. Amazon has promised a refund but Visa says I don’t get to keep the points for the purchase. Is this fair?

  2. The Mayor Says:

    That sounds like a human rights complaint. If you had been in Canada we are sure you would be entitled to a hefty payout, but seeing as that you live in _______ USA, we’re afraid you are what we say in Canada as “Up the creek without a paddle.”

    What a great saying, we are very clever up here.

  3. Fenris Badwulf Says:

    What is fair? As you self identify as an white male you ooze unfair. And refunds are the capitalist devil’s morning coffee. Ghack.

    So what some aliens want to do some seasoning of the skewers they are using for kabob dinner. Er, whatever.

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