There is no way the translation for this is accurate. Europeans are all politically correct and filled with love for refugees. Obviously this is propaganda.

I burst into tears. The poor refugees!

6 Responses to “”

  1. Steamboat McGoo Says:

    No Horoscope?

    I’ll write a few of my own!

    Aries: You are not a nice person, and will probably die this week – violently – at the hands of some jealous husband or young girl’s father.

    Capricorn: That sound you will hear Thursday night IS someone prowling around in your kitchen.The next sound you hear will be your last.

    Pisces: Don’t eat anything that smells of fish. And change your socks. Not that it’s going to help. You’re doomed.

    Aquarius: That quiet female co-worker you sit near is plotting a major bank theft, and has already framed you for the rap. So that engagement you’ve been considering is definitely off the table.

    Leo: The yearly medical physical you’re scheduled for Friday will go great, and you will celebrate riotously Friday night! Unfortunately, it’s in error. That is NOT a mole on your neck.

  2. Steamboat McGoo Says:

    Horoscope for the week of 3-14-2016 – since *ahem* no one else has the time or inclination:


    Your week begins with a bang and roof damage when you’re neighbor’s garage or garden shed explodes. But avoid confrontations with any Federal authorities who may show up – as they are looking for a scapegoat and your spouse/loved one/pet has that guilty look.

    Later in the week a teenage son, daughter, or relative will be video’ed doing something creative but truly unattractive to an endangered waterfowl. The video will be posted on the Internet, and will receive over 39 million Likes within 24 hours, garner the undivided and continued attention of every major news outlet on the planet for days, and result in a stunningly over-funded legal defense fund being set up for the offending teen’s trial.

    Your week may end on a sour note, though. The portents are indistinct, but either a tooth abscess or a full body cavity search may be looming in your future. You’ll be wanting to change your underwear daily this week.

    Aries: Your diet is of significant importance over the next few days. Eat sparingly. However, go ahead and overindulge in those poached oysters or that hot pastrami sandwich you’ve been thinking about lately. But be warned: Since Leo is presently conjugating Sagittarious, Mexican Food is definitely not your friend this week.

    Taurus: Stay away from power equipment this week. You’ll thank me with both your hands, all twenty fingers & toes, full binocular vision – and the entirety of your bladder – later. Someone close to you will mow a lawn tomorrow and either run over a pet rabbit or a neighbors new puppy. Capricorn is partially engorged, so take this opportunity to finish that Christmas shopping.

    Gemini: Pedestrians may be a problem for you this week, so be sure insurance and blood-doner cards are current. Check those tires & brakes! A passing stranger may give you an infection that will make your spouse or significant other quite enraged. Aquarius’s enjambment – not quite cojoined – with Jupiter indicates that a serious altercation could develop between you and someone’s livestock fence. This is not the week to buy shoes.

    Cancer: You may receive someone else’s private e-mail this week by mistake. Don’t discard it – especially the attached photos (with names & dates). There may be a significant finaicial opportunity here if you’re of sufficiently flexible moral character.

    Leo: That feeling that you’re not alone – and being watched – is not unwarranted. “They” are here now – or soon will be, and your time is up. Call in sick at work this week. You’ll never receive the paycheck anyway. Don’t look at the moon on Thursday or Friday evening. You won’t like what you see, and it certainly won’t like you staring at it. When the time comes, go quietly and without a struggle.

    Virgo: Remember that strange person you briefly dated – and then stood up – in collage? They certainly remember you. Goodbye.

    Libra: Remember “Deteriorotta”? The line, “Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese”? This line has a special significance for a loved one this week, and you will be the one to tell them so. Call your Aunt while you still can. This week will be a week of learning for you. You will learn what a medical ventilator does, shortly after you discover what that black lead in a 120 volt wall circuit does. You will indeed see a big, bright light and – in passing – will notice that Leo is protruding out of Pisces. Don’t take it personally – and don’t stare: it’s rude.

    Scorpio: Don’t reach deeply into any drawer or clothing container early this week. Seriously. Just don’t. Later in the week may be a good time to review the symptoms and emergency treatment of epilepsy.

    Sagittarius: Hard candy features significantly in your spouses social life this week. You will marvel in disbelief at the places it can get stuck all by itself, and the sheer number of instruments & medical personnel required to remove it. Keep your sense of humor and everyone else will be laughing with you. Everyone but your spouse, that is.

    Capricorn: Go ahead and scream if you feel like it. It’ll help – at first.

    Aquarius: There is a huge inheritance in your future – right after your visiting uncle or mother-in-law eats an entire pumpkin pie that your spouse bought from the deep discount shelf at the grocery store. Good thing you & your spouse don’t like pumpkin pie – right? :-)

    Pisces: Your neighbor in the apartment below you is that guy who blew up the Children’s Care Center downtown recently. His home-built bomb & timer worked flawlessly. Unfortunately, the bigger one he’ll start assembling shortly won’t be nearly so well-behaved. So going out to dinner and a movie – NOW – might be a good idea. You may or may not choose invite that of a significant other (that you foolishly chose to shack up with) to join you. That’s between you and your Conscious. This is a week for travel, and new clothes and sundries.

  3. Steamboat McGoo Says:

    Horoscope for the week of 3-21-2016 – because no one cares.

    The portents are good for most folk this week! So go shopping, run those errands, and indulge in miscellaneous to’ing and fro’ing to your hearts content.

    A local building may collapse, but – luckily – you most likely will have just left the premises. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of the obnoxious teenagers inside who spoke so unkindly to you about your appearance and apparent sexual orientation.

    And speaking of obnoxious persons, that neighbor or relative living nearby that just won’t leave you alone is about to receive an eviction notice by mistake, and – in a fit of despair – off themselves in a noisy & messy manner. The new – quite attractive – resident or owner will soon be enjoying threesomes with you and your spouse/significant other, which will save your recently-faltering relationship.

    Aries: Saturn is about to obliterate the Pleiades, so make sure all spelling & punctuation is correct on all forms and receipts. Otherwise, you will discover what one little misplaced comma can cause, and will get a nasty case of handcuff chafe after suffering a brutal guard beat-down.

    Taurus: You will discover that your name is on the Federal No-Fly list, spoiling that European vacation you’ve been looking forward to. But don’t despair – you’re primary destination is about to suffer a large terrorist attack, centered at your hotel, on the very day you were scheduled for that Walking Tour.

    Gemini: Stay indoors and at home this week, and cook your own food – preferably from cans. Skip the Barbecue this weekend, and bid a fond farewell to many of your neighbors – including that couple just returning from Zaire. Scorpio is in the Seventh House being irrigated, so don’t lick any postage stamps this week – even on those many condolence notes.

    Cancer: For Christ’s sake, be sure to check all firearms before you clean them. That missing round from the box of twenty was NOT “dropped or lost at the range”. Athlete’s Foot gives you a near miss on Thursday when you work out at the gym. That drunken driver you intersect with on Friday – unfortunately – does not.

    Leo: You may find a purse, handbag, or duffel bag stuffed with bundles of $100 bill’s this week. Resist temptation – and turn it in to the police intact – because the bills are all counterfeit.

    Virgo: That attractive office worker who has been flirting outrageously with you for weeks? He/She is already “doing” your Boss, so … just wait a little longer: your Boss will be caught & fired, you will be promoted, and then you can “do” the shameless flirt at your leisure.

    Libra: Mars is ineffectually pummeling Leo, so go ahead and buy that new car or recreational vehicle you’ve been lusting after.

    Scorpio: Your spouse or loved one may bring home a truly astonishing book titled something like, “Variations On Pleasure & Depravity”, and will insist that you two do each page repeatedly – with the adventurous & open-minded assistance of the young couple next door. Lucky you.

    Sagittarius: Since Taurus has gone orthogonal within the plane of the ecliptic, the portents for you are a bit fuzzy. You’ll just have to wing it this week and hope for the best. If you are still alive and kicking next week there is no doubt that you will be relieved – probably with good reason.

    Capricorn: Travel may be in your future all this week, so go ahead and finish off that gallon of milk in the fridge and pay all your bills. When you pack, be sure to remove that old pack of ribbed condoms or flavored diaphragms from your luggage: It will be stunningly embarrassing for your next of kin if the items are found by the authorities later.

    Aquarius: For the next week or two be sure to knock loudly on your teen-age child’s bedroom door – and then wait for an invitation – before entering. Pay no attention to any odd sounds you may hear, and studiously ignore any feathers or fur scraps you happen to see on the floor. It’s just a phase.

    Pisces: Stop harassing your neighbor by subtly re-positioning his lawn ornament each night. He’s about to crack, and he’s an explosives expert.

  4. Steamboat McGoo Says:

    Horoscope for the week of 5-09-2016 – because – well – it’s raining.

    This may be a week of much arduous to’ing and fro’ing on your part – or the part of a loved one – as you attend to the your various life-tasks. An automobile or small plane may give you trouble this week, so travel the back roads in automobiles, and try to have your affairs in order. Especially if in a plane. Don’t do any scuba diving with borrowed equipment as there is a chance that it may have not been re-certified recently. Uranus is entering the Fifth Precinct, so keep your tear-gas and bifocals handy.

    Aries: Don’t stick your bare fingers into anything this week. Matter of fact, don’t stick ANY part of your body into anything this week, especially your neighbor’s spouse – who is already suspicious.

    Taurus: Don’t rely upon that promised raise ever materializing – your boss promised it to you knowing that he is on the verge of being fired, and arrested for embezzlement.

    Gemini: A baseball-sized nickel-iron meteor will come soooo close to hitting you this week, but will miss and hit your car gas tank. The resulting explosion will hurl you skyward for nearly a hundred feet – you screaming incoherently – and then your terrified self will fall into a deep swimming pool, harmlessly. Enjoy the ride!

    Cancer: The good news is that you can ignore those chest pains you’ve been having recently; They are simply vicarious sensations empathically originating from your long-lost twin, who is dying in mind-numbing agony from cancer of the nether regions. It’s a pity that your twin is filthy rich – and doesn’t know you exist, either. All that money & property will go to the State.

    Leo: Someone is plotting to have you killed. Chances are, they will succeed. They will probably be caught, though. But you’ll probably still be dead.

    Virgo: The elderly couple across the street thinks you are a space alien – come to Earth to scout out the defenses before an invasion. The really interesting thing is that you ARE a space alien. You just forgot …

    Libra: Don’t lick any postage stamps for the foreseeable future. You have NO idea what happened at the stamp-printing facility last week.

    Scorpio: For the first time in your life you will decide not only to attend an actual political rally, but to go to one given by a candidate you oppose – just to see what it’s like “on the other side”. Unfortunately you will run into a mob of your like-minded peers – protesting said candidate – who mistake you for a supporter. Your injuries will take months to heal.

    Sagittarius: You know that irregular creaking sound your beloved old house emits from time to time? That sound you were born into, were raised amidst, and has added warming grace notes to your lifelong residence there? You – and geologists & spelunkers from around the world – will soon be marveling at the root cause.

    Capricorn: You will be gently smacked on the knee by a stray tennis ball, whiffle ball, or (possibly) a tattered badminton shuttlecock a little later this week. No biggy, but – well – you live a dull, meaningless life.

    Aquarius: Mars & Venus are going at it like rabbits in the Spring, so this week is not the time for pontification or gestures of largess. You should avoid prevarication and obfuscation also, since you know you blush EVERY time. Avoid peanut brittle: that back filling you mess with constantly with your tongue is loose.

    Pisces: Fore the next few days, take small bites, chew carefully, and follow every swallow with copious gulps of water. There’s a nasty throat-clog just waiting to happen in your future. You might be proactive and inquire of your co-workers as to who has had training in the Heimlich maneuver. Nose hairs are going to plague you all summer.

  5. Steamboat McGoo Says:

    Horoscope for the week of 6-13-2016

    It’s summertime, and vacation time for most folks. As you scurry about your vacation-y activities you should be constantly aware that, A) Eventually you’re going to die, B) There is probably at least one person on this Earth that wants to hurry the process along for you, and C) They’re probably on vacation, too, and thinking about you!

    Aries: Regarding your FY 2015 IRS tax filing, and those “deductions” you faked: No, they didn’t fall for them. Not one bit. And – boy! – are they pissed.

    Taurus: Jupiter is in a state of near-terminal ennui this week so warm dress is in order on most evenings. But forget the gloves – even at weddings – because hangnails and a nasty case of nail fungus will cause you untold amounts of inconvenience. A fairly tasty pecan pie tossed by a random prankster will give you a near miss soon. You will have to judge for yourself whether or not this is a bad thing.

    Gemini: The flotation device you choose for the annual river float you take with friends will deflate at an unfortunate moment, resulting in a “snag” on submerged debris. So wear underwear – and not the polka-dot ones, for Christ-sake!

    Cancer: Saturn is salivating over his young again, so take extra precautions when caring for children. A large head of cheese & a crescent wrench feature prominently in your life soon. Avoid yellow thumbtacks, especially when they are pointy-end up.

    Leo: You may get embroiled in a multi-car crash in the fog in the near-future. Oddly, every one of the drivers involved will be a Leo. When a rookie police officer remarks upon this coincidence, all of you will pounce on him and beat him into a pulp for no apparent reason. Also oddly, no charges will be filed by the local (Leo) Prosecuting Attorney.

    Virgo: Remember when you were young and your parents taught you to never run while holding a knife? Well, this bit of wisdom will slip your mind soon – just for one tiny moment! Pity. But on the bright side, you’ll still have one eye left.

    Libra: A puppy will pee on you or a loved one in the near future. If you go shopping, avoid any checkout line where you see a person buying stacks of pecan pies.

    Scorpio: Your puppy will pee on an acquaintance or loved one in the near future. Later, it will gorge itself on an apparently-dropped pecan pie, and then barf its stomach contents in your car or house or shoe.

    Sagittarius: If you decide to do that desert-hike in southern Arizona or Texas with your friends this summer, be sure to steer clear of any odd packages or abandoned backpacks you happen upon in the wilderness. Especially if they have the Cali Cartel emblem stamped on them.

    Capricorn: Uranus is eclipsing itself vigorously for the next few days, so stay indoors. If you must go outdoors, carry an umbrella and a clarinet. Peanut butter will feature prominently during your next medical exam. The joke you overhear from the nurses station will be quite offensive & in poor taste, but you will have to laugh silently to yourself over it anyway.

    Aquarius: In the next week or so you’ll spot your spouse or a loved one entering an unsavory business establishment well-known for it’s “odd patrons & exotic services”, and the many police raids it has endured. DON’T mention this sighting to anyone.

    Pisces: Your dentist or proctologist will have a sudden violent epileptic seizure – at precisely the wrong moment. The medical staff will be laughing about it privately for months.

  6. Steamboat McGoo Says:

    Horoscope for the week of 7-22-2016

    The last half of July is upon you, readers! It most likely will be hotter than last month, but not nearly as hot as it’ll be getting later in the Summer. Some days it’ll be rainy, and some days – well, not so rainy. Oddly, just after the end of the month it’ll turn into August weather. Go figure.

    In an unrelated story, scientists will soon discover that what we have traditionally called the “backside” of the Moon – the side we can’t see from Earth – is really it’s front side. It’s backside is the side we see in the sky – and, oddly, is the actual origin of the phrase, “to be mooned”.

    Aries: That drum set you gave your stunningly obnoxious nephew for Christmas is already working its magic on the PTSD veteran neighbor living next to your useless, lay-about cousin. Now might be a good time to take out that life insurance policy on said cousin & child, but avoid any social invitations to said cousin’s house for remainder of the Summer, else you may learn first-hand the meaning of the military term, “collateral damage”.

    Taurus: Your musician neighbor has recently re-strung her violin with new cat-gut strings. Unfortunately, she chose to use your cat’s guts. But you will – privately, and reluctantly – admit to yourself that her solo rendition of Barber’s, “Adagio for Strings” never sounded sweeter.

    Gemini: Avoid giving blood for the next few days: you may need all you’ve got, and then some.

    Cancer: The Moon just left the Seventh House with a pocketful of $20’s, so it’s party time! To really make it a productive party, get out that old “Jarts” lawn-dart game and invite the neighbor’s many, many loud ill-disciplined kids to play – team against team. This should cull the herd a bit.

    Leo: Your boss is looking forward to finally going on that big African Game hunt he’s been dreaming about for years, and is leaving you in charge. Listen to his instructions well, and take copious notes, as you may be “acting” for him “in his absence” for the rest of your career. Also, be sure to offer your personal condolences to his hot young trophy wife at the earliest opportunity. You’ll be glad you did.

    Virgo: You may be invited to a summer costume party soon. Don’t dress as a police officer – especially if you are Caucasian.

    Libra: Your future is looking exceedingly dull, unmarred by even a single event of note whatsoever, and heavy with idle time where seconds seem like hours. Later, you will be overcome by a sense of listlessness and near-terminal ennui.

    Scorpio: The starting capacitor in your old air conditioner is going bad. You may not know what that is, but you will soon.

    Sagittarius: Your air conditioning business will see a big boost in repair business and part replacements. Stock plenty of starting capacitors.

    Capricorn: During your next scheduled investment portfolio review you might suggest to your broker that an investment in either Mallory Corp. or Sangamo (both are makers of several fine product lines of starting capacitors) might be a good financial move.

    Aquarius: Avoid shopping malls and big-box outlet stores for the next few weeks. Mercury has constipated Venus and, as a result, parking spaces will be all but impossible to find.

    Pisces: A meteor or other heavenly body may strike someone close to you in the near future. Or, maybe not. It might just be a dab of bird poop. The future is not always clear.

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