Horoscope for the week

Aries: Regarding your FY 2015 IRS tax filing, and those “deductions” you faked: No, they didn’t fall for them. Not one bit. And – boy! – are they pissed.

Taurus: Jupiter is in a state of near-terminal ennui this week so warm dress is in order on most evenings. But forget the gloves – even at weddings – because hangnails and a nasty case of nail fungus will cause you untold amounts of inconvenience. A fairly tasty pecan pie tossed by a random prankster will give you a near miss soon. You will have to judge for yourself whether or not this is a bad thing.

Gemini: The flotation device you choose for the annual river float you take with friends will deflate at an unfortunate moment, resulting in a “snag” on submerged debris. So wear underwear – and not the polka-dot ones, for Christ-sake!

Cancer: Saturn is salivating over his young again, so take extra precautions when caring for children. A large head of cheese & a crescent wrench feature prominently in your life soon. Avoid yellow thumbtacks, especially when they are pointy-end up.

Leo: You may get embroiled in a multi-car crash in the fog in the near-future. Oddly, every one of the drivers involved will be a Leo. When a rookie police officer remarks upon this coincidence, all of you will pounce on him and beat him into a pulp for no apparent reason. Also oddly, no charges will be filed by the local (Leo) Prosecuting Attorney.

Virgo: Remember when you were young and your parents taught you to never run while holding a knife? Well, this bit of wisdom will slip your mind soon – just for one tiny moment! Pity. But on the bright side, you’ll still have one eye left.

Libra: A puppy will pee on you or a loved one in the near future. If you go shopping, avoid any checkout line where you see a person buying stacks of pecan pies.

Scorpio: Your puppy will pee on an acquaintance or loved one in the near future. Later, it will gorge itself on an apparently-dropped pecan pie, and then barf its stomach contents in your car or house or shoe.

Sagittarius: If you decide to do that desert-hike in southern Arizona or Texas with your friends this summer, be sure to steer clear of any odd packages or abandoned backpacks you happen upon in the wilderness. Especially if they have the Cali Cartel emblem stamped on them.

Capricorn: Uranus is eclipsing itself vigorously for the next few days, so stay indoors. If you must go outdoors, carry an umbrella and a clarinet. Peanut butter will feature prominently during your next medical exam. The joke you overhear from the nurses station will be quite offensive & in poor taste, but you will have to laugh silently to yourself over it anyway.

Aquarius: In the next week or so you’ll spot your spouse or a loved one entering an unsavory business establishment well-known for it’s “odd patrons & exotic services”, and the many police raids it has endured. DON’T mention this sighting to anyone.

Pisces: Your dentist or proctologist will have a sudden violent epileptic seizure – at precisely the wrong moment. The medical staff will be laughing about it privately for months.

**If you’re thinking you may have seen this same horoscope somewhere else a long, long time ago, you are badly mistaken. This is original material.

Swear.

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