Horoscope for the week

Select clients of Sargon the Magnificent, the world’s foremost financial astrologer, can now have instant access to personalized chart interpretation. It is in italics after the general notice. Understand?

Aries: Look to the artistic genius of Sonny Bono for inspiration. You will win the love of the one you love with clever japes and sleight of hand. As for the pesky, take them to the swamp.
Aries in Etobicoke: The shipment from our friend in St.Petersburg should arrive at Toronto airport on Wotan’s Day. Practice your Finnish anecdotes and bon jours for an evening of libation.

Taurus: A special opportunity to make someone smile at Christmas happens while shopping this week, Taurus. Give yourself those shoes you have been lusting for.
Taurus in Don Mills: Brush up your calculus …. some components from a phased array radar system will find their way to the warehouse on Osler with the Tuesday delivery. Check the manual. If it looks good, inform Stavros.

Gemini: Recommend a bad dentist to an enemy. Take advantage of the decline in standards to improve your own. Ultimately, you alone must decide if your shoes are comfortable.
Gemini at TDSB: The new synthetic is available for your enjoyment and profit. I’m sending you five hundred. Let’s do some feedback from the high school kids, too.

Cancer: A delightful feast awaits you, brought at the hands of a stranger. Your secret admirer will make an offer of a secret liaison.
Cancer the electrician: Your name is showing up in the wrong databases. Go back to driving the truck. The ‘57 T-bird is too conspicuous.

Leo: Avoid large fleet actions until after you have personally inspected the lifeboats. A nest of rats is discovered at an embarrassing time.

Leo at Davenport: This laboratory work you are doing is impressive. You are doing a great job! Expect an extra thousand in your packet and a blue privilege token. Thank you from me and the gang!

Virgo: If you are squeemish about the use, or absence, of false teeth during lovemaking, you are better advised to silence, as you could offend a wealthy patron.
Virgo who commutes: That minion I told you about is both incompetent and treacherous. Your soft heart is spreading to your head (and then to your purse). Ghaack. Thrax will be in town Tuesday if you are feeling squeemish for final solutions.

Libra: Be discrete in your mistrust of the person packing your parachute. Someone around you is due for a fall from grace.
Libra on Redpath: Have minions capable of handling the barrels of hypergolic fuels in the Friday shipment. No slip ups!

Scorpio: When your serving knave passes the poisoned flagon to the wrong party, be prepared to laugh it off.
Scorpio on vacation: Thank you for the thoughtful Christmas fruitcake. Mom and Dad wolfed it down with that new formula Scotch. Our friends in Tokyo would like five thousand kiloliters of the X-20161112 batch for a taste. Largo will contact you with shipping details.

Sagittarius: Have an open mind to new experiences. This means being covered in icing sugar and licked all over. You will deepen a friendship.
Sagittarius with dog: Just tell people it is ’self talk’. When you mention ‘hearing voices’ it can upset some people. It is their fault, really. They do not understand the lengths to which you will go to express your genius.

Capricorn: You will discover an extension to your powers of telepathy that is triggered (and powered) by music with kettle drums.
Capricorn with chocolate: The reason the time travel chamber is left in a mess is because people are thoughtless and do not think of others. Clean up after yourself (coffee cups, pizza boxes, paper plates) please. Once we get past the anniversary of the Battle of Warsaw, things will slow down.

Aquarius: Music of the French Revolution will put a spring in your step and hope in your heart, Aquarius. Make a proscription list.
Aquarius in the Junction: These are the expected side effects of a transplant of rat testicles. Of course you are interested in different foods. It is normal and natural.

Pisces: A sinkhole will swallow up a vexing problem at a most opportune time. If you can remember what you wrote on the ground at that spot last spring, you can repeat the experience.
Pisces in Orton: Get rich quick on the stock market this week. Look to United States Steel for your pot of gold, you capitalist opportunist. Further details can be had from the ouiji board. Ask for Clem of Cambridge.

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