Horoscope for the week of August 5, 2018

Aries: You will find yourself at an orgy on Wednesday. Walk backwards this week whenever you can, keeping in mind the social norms and expectations. For that matter, who is more skilled than you in whooshing down the road driving backwards?

Taurus: An intense week: until Tuesday, a certain ill formed unaesthetic cloud hangs over your personal creation. A secret admirer reveals themselves on Wednesday. And, Thursday you will realize that you have been transported to a parallel universe by a lusty shape shifting entity, that is using you as a sexual diversion. Friday, you return to here; the doppelganger that replaced you had nowhere as much fun as you did.

Gemini: You will be given credit for your wisdom at a later date. But, this week, you do get to watch as a hated enemy is publicly humiliated and then dispatched in a grisly rite harking back to the time of our pagan ancestors. Avoid shanking hands with people … there is a dirty monkey virus lurking.

Cancer: A champion will arise and struggle with the oppressor. On Thursday you will witness the revelation of a movement; and seven hours later the great battle. Wear good footwear (steel toe and electrically insulated) to handle the messy after effects of secret government laboratory weapons.

Leo: You rule. On Thursday, the wrong person gets poisoned at dinner. Try not to laugh. Someone is having illicit sex (a torrid romance, actually) in their car which tends to be parked rather too close to where you can hear the moaning and see the shaking.

Virgo: A co-worker who stands in the way of your ambitions will become infected with rabies. So amusing, but some damage might be done to treasured office plants. Bring in your own hand sanitizer.

Libra: Your plans of world domination reach a satisfying and lucrative benchmark on Tuesday. Alas, there is the mopping up after these battles of attrition, which occurs Thursday. You will find something very beautiful, but ill sized to your hand, and certainly a poor match for your combat style.

Scorpio: You will win the lottery this week. Several times, in fact. You might miss out the second and third because you are so caught up in the first. This is a trans formative challenge, and you are up to the task.

Sagittarius: You will be drawn into the struggles of an extraterrestrial host against another extraterrestrial host. The actual cause and motivation is somewhat obscure, but you should think carefully if you are considering changing sides.

Capricorn: Go naked in woods as many times this week as want. Take a long lunch and have the platinum platter at your sex club.

Aquarius: Insects are your enemy this week, Aquarius. Wednesday, they strike! Lay in an arsenal of mankind’s most toxic chemical sprays. Arm yourself with protective gear. Perform necessary spring maintenance on your flamethrower, and gird your loins.

Pisces: A terrifying conspiracy will be revealed you when you discover some lost correspondence in a book in a public library. Your role in the overthrow of this cabal will become clear to you over the next few weeks.

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