Horoscope for the week of August 12, 2018

Aries: You will acquire a new lover in the vicinity of a day care facility. Wednesday will be particularly spicy. You will walk backwards into a situation with more effect than if you were walking forwards. Make only plans for romance this weekend.

Taurus: Some of your illegal activities have drawn the attention of the constabulary. Best do that routine vehicle maintenance this week so you do not get nicked. Tuesday, some sort of ugly crowd scene occurs revolving around someone else on your morning commute.

Gemini: One last week of dawdling by your opponents even as you prepare your master stroke to lay them low. Even you should admire your cunning, guile, and adept poise. James Bond could take lessons from you.

Cancer: You can leverage your position and gain a substantial reward in prestige with your covered position and expertise on the ABBA reunion. Get your polyester love god threads out.

Leo: Flouting your parole conditions makes sense when it involves extending your sphere of influence. Last weeks legal complications are yesterdays news, buddy. Make some time to talk about yourself with your admirers.

Virgo: Sunday is a sluggish day, best for sleeping; in this you will have a prophetic dream. All spiritual practices will yield material results this week. Encourage people you do not like to gamble.

Libra: You rule the star filled firmament. This week, you are the victorious general. The roots of a plot to overthrow your rule is being planted this week. Channel your inner renaissance court manners to watch for the trembling eyebrow and the quivering lip of those that seek to poison your morning oat meal.

Scorpio: The War God needs generals for the upcoming Just War. Your job is to make Just War a Total War. Time to get your armor out of the closet, sharpen the boarding axes, and dip the arrows in fresh poison. Blind Justice smiles upon your efforts, both on the battlefield and the computer.

Sagittarius: This week you will realize that Capital is a Platonic Form, being non-corporeal, exemplar, and causative. People should line up to listen to your wisdom, but the climb up the mountain is too much for the short sighted mortals around you.

Capricorn: Everything is going according to plan. Your ability to resist minor irritations reflects to your benefit.

Aquarius: A conflict at the beginning of the week leads to career advancement in the end. Something unexpected late on Tuesday plays to your advantage. The secrets in the basement can be added to; lay in a supply of bricks and mortar for a special project.

Pisces: A legal finesse by your enemies is turned to your advantage thanks your superior good luck and ability to be absent at the right time. An opportunity coalesces out of the fog to come within your grasp on Saturday.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

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