Horoscope for the week of August 26, 2018

Aries: The beginning of the week is your optimal time for contemplation and training for the maximum effort towards your agenda later in the week. If you are inclined towards the ambush, this is the perfect time for a surprise attack, but do so after Tuesday.

Taurus: Your discerning eye will recognize an exciting scientific discovery that will transform your future life. On Monday, you will witness a public drama.

Gemini: Events that are good for the mob are not necessarily good for you. Events Monday will stew away until next Monday, when a reform is made in your favor. Things aesthetic are wonderful this week.

Cancer: On Monday, you are in danger of a maritime disaster. Do not rule out sabotage. And, your estate can look forward to a hefty settlement with the magic smiley face words ‘double indemnity’. Choose carefully which boat or bridge you choose.

Leo: Details work out to your advantage. People that appear and disappear are most likely extraterrestrial tourists. Take note of the neighbor whose shrubs grow unnaturally fast.

Virgo: The Old Gods are making a come back, and your aura is most attractive to their retro sense of taste. Participate in pagan ritual on Monday!

Libra: The War God smiles upon your plans. The earth will shake with your footsteps. The unwashed mob and their media handlers will cower at your shadow. You will step in dog poo on Monday.

Scorpio: Find time to get rich quick this week. Drag your attention away from your sex life to spend a few bucks on a lottery ticket. Other opportunities for fabulous wealth seek your attention.

Sagittarius: Your ambition to have a private army is fulfilled this week. The logical next step are private courts, and some sort of ‘rehabilitation’ system. Perhaps the basement could be up graded. When setting bolts into concrete, follow the instructions on the box.

Capricorn: A frontal assault upon the foe is called for Tuesday. You will have the advantage of surprise. Now is the time to get a return on all that food you have been feeding to the War Elephants.

Aquarius: You will be rewarded with a bounty of shopping bargains in all areas of consumption. You need new shoes … go get them! The universe values your suggestions about urban forest development.

Pisces: Use your superior skills in necromancy to unleash a Cossack Uprising that the establishment will remember. Well, those that survive, anyway.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this.

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