Horoscope for the week of September 16, 2018

In the Heavens: The Moon is in first quarter on Sunday. Cast your spells of increase like the pagans are wont to do.

Mercury forms a trine to Pluto on Sunday. Communications relating to collective wealth. The victorious side will be the one that has done its homework and prepared for the trial.

Mars squares Uranus on Monday. Accidents and unexpected assaults, injuries that draw blood to the shins and burns to the throat. All new technology is suspect. Beware of microwave ovens, electrical devices you hold close to your head, and mechanical chicken de-boners and their ilk.

The Moon conjuncts Saturn on Monday. Those that break the rules will get a lesson in why we have rules. Expect Jaywalkers to get run down, cell phone chatting drivers to get mangled, and lazy tradesmen to fall off buildings. Falling from heights is the favorite of Saturn, followed by crushing. The Moon favors drowning: those that did not heed mandatory evacuation orders will start to stink as they decompose.

The Moon conjuncts Pluto on Tuesday. Emotions more powerful than reason motivate the powerful in an attempt to control ‘the people’. As the Moon is in detriment in Capricorn, the attempt will be brutal and barbaric. Mars in Aquarius (being idealistic in a steady paycheck and pension benefits sort of way) is the saving throw: the minions of the emotionally driven powerful will only do the minimum required. You will realize from the events on Sunday (Mercury trine Pluto) what side you are on; conveniently, the powerful are not driven by reason and are completely ignorant of the warnings or foresight.

Aries: You are the leader foretold in the prophecy. The great battle will be Monday. You will face the enemy in the front rank in the center of the line. All eyes will be upon you, even, unfortunately, the rheumy eyes of the war elephants of the enemy.

Taurus: Some questionable decisions made while you are drunk and playing dice will turn to your advantage when you find a large sum of money in the trunk of your car. Nobody seems to have missed it, and the unmistakable scent of a cologne known to you from a drunken debauch will help you remember.

Gemini: You will be transformed by a realization. The room will spin and you will perceive the movement of the planets. Your mind is operating at a higher level, well above the norm of fifty thousand decisions per second. You will manifest supernatural powers, being able to compel people with your thoughts.

Cancer: You will find yourself oppressed by the unthinking actions of the mob on Monday. You will be delayed unfairly and often. Even surrendering to rage and going on a spree of mayhem will give you no relief. Only the blood of your enemies will quench your thirst.

Leo: A face, which you will realize is familiar to you from your dreams, will come to your notice in a crowded cafeteria. From this incident you will be lead, indirectly, to a substantial increase in your fortune.

Virgo: Someone other than you did not bother to read the instructions leading to a horribly miscast spell. The forces of Chaos are unleashed and someone gets sucked into an opening chasm. You are prepared, and now you needs must up your game to be prepared for the splash damage from those who are not prepared.

Libra: Keep a mask handy at your place of work for one of those ’someone put LSD into the jasmine tea’ days when not much gets done other than appreciation of cloud formations. Someone is making an illegal surveillance of the work place, but only to slake their depraved lusts. A promotion not earned with merit should still have some style.

Scorpio: Go shopping and get a new pair of shoes; even used shoes from a thrift shop will do. In fact, you will find some incredible bargains and save big. Break the jaw of a street beggar when they refuse to polish your shoes in exchange for a cigarette.

Sagittarius: It is one of those rare moments when the normally surly and disreputable are cheerful and honorable. A moment to savor! Complete outstanding projects to your advantage … you are the victorious tortoise, and your supposedly faster and better competitors are so much street dog in a village of hungry peasants.

Capricorn: Your completion of tasks to further your agenda is gaining momentum. A sinkhole is responsible for the shifting of the street pavement; do not jump up and down at the center of the depression. A scandal involving the introduction of human flesh into fast food comes to your attention.

Aquarius: You are surrounded by primitives, but that is because you are enlightened. Eat your fill this week. Food will taste better and you will find wonderful bargain at the stores. Do sit naked in your residence and feel the breeze of freedom on your genitals.

Pisces: A confusing error in communication starts your week off on the wrong tentacle. Your spirit animal for the month is an octopus or squid. This will be a difficult choice to make. You will experience great fortune while food shopping. Lurk in the store and think of being a greater predator than you are.

I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this horoscope.

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