Horoscope for the week of September 23, 2007
Pluto is now moving direct, and accelerating. It enters Capricorn on January 26, 2008. The time between now and then is analagous to the highest point of the Roman Empire: that being the reign of Marcus Aurelius before the onset of the great plagues and the greater barbarian wars. In the years before Anthrax devastated agriculture, the Empire was a rich place. Stable governent under the five good emperors, along with internal trade, and crushed foreign enemies had made the Romans soft. They turned from dependable might to the vapid musings of sophistry. After the death of Lucius Verus (arguably, the happiest man who ever lived, being both Roman Emperor and able to enjoy all the pleasures of that office) came the test. Marcus Aurelius, supposedly a great emperor, successfully defeated the massive barbarian invasions, but exposed his philosophical system to be a crock of shit when he choose the incompetent, corrupt, and cruel Commodus in an act of nepotism that was a spit in the face of the good work of the past good emperors. Study this period in time if you wish to have more insight into the shape of things to come. For Marcus Aurelius, replace political correctness. For its fruits, insert Commodus.
ARIES: It is that time of year when detail oriented people oppose your big picture ambitions. That is to say, it is the week of the idiot, when the idiots have their picnic and gather to drool and gurgle at each other, whilst sitting in dog shit. These low light conditions (light being a metaphor for intellegence) allow your glow to stand forth Aries. Patience, alas, is called for.
TAURUS: One of the best weeks for gorging, with additional opportunites for gobbling, and just plain old mouth shovelling. Mmmm, the crops are coming in and the price of provender is down. Stock up the larder and put on some fat for the winter to come.
GEMINI: The satisfaction of putting the boots to the slow, the silly, and the stupid ends for you this week. Get in your last beatings on those lazy slaves and surly serfs. Anyone who cheats at scrabble could find themselves short an index finger.
CANCER: At least once a day, take a nap. There is a peaceful realm that you can access in your dreams which you can bring back to the waking reality. Let the gentle breezes carry to you the spirit of peace and plenty.
LEO: Ah, romance. And the pleasures of a sort of secret love affair. And you, Leo, get three lovers this week: both the fleshy kind that gets your towel damp, and the kind that mortals call food, and the kind that lives in libraries: books. Mmmmm.
VIRGO: Be careful around that inept buffoon that is the maintenance worker. Watch him mislabel paint thinner and drink it. Good thing he has benefits; too bad you have to pay for them. Find an excuse to lock the dullard in some soundproof electrical room and starve him to death. The world will thank you.
LIBRA: Your birthday party is fast approaching. The star of the event will be the glowing romance of two of your guests, uncomplicated by the secret that both are unfaithful. This is your secret, known only to a few dozen and anyone who can use the internet. Anyway, you get to watch the admirable acting talents of all concerned. And, your premium cheese dip is a hit, too. Always.
SCORPIO: War is imminent. Gather in your crops and lay aside stores. This first battle will go to those who are prepared. You will win, of course. This weeks challenger is but an excuse to keep your war hammer handy, and a few bottles of water in the car.
SAGITTARIUS: A heaviness that has sat on your shoulders for some twenty years now is being lifted. This week, you get to move with the common people and enjoy their pleasures. Still, do not bet that The Toronto Maple Leafs will win. Eat food and revisit the places of early happy memory.
CAPRICORN: Wisdom comes to you. Which is good, but irritating. Your collection of mounted heads will grow by two. Never give old age respect unearned. Instead, ask yourself why euthenasia is not practiced more widely. These old people: they use up health care, pollute the environment with diapers, and contribute nothing.
AQUARIUS: A perfect dreamy week for you. You float in a peaceful backwater, while the other signs are carried in raging torrents. Enjoy the harvest feast, the witty conversation, and the contentment of the collective.
PISCES: You will wake up in the night to find one more body in bed than you expected. A space alien is using you for sexual gratification, but this will be your secret. You will find a strange space alien device … it has unusual powers which will be yours to discover this week.
I, Sargon the Magnificent, wrote this. I even typed it myself, as the last time I dictated this to one of Fenris’ minions, the copy was lost and not entered into the computer. Fenris had the minion made into Oktoberfest sausage (on Sale this week, subsequently), but I suspect mischief.
Seriously, I have been deluged with requests for predicitons about he coming election in Mitchieville. My support is for Lisa, of course. If she was not running, I would support the Mayor. Both the Mayor and Lisa have moral fiber. I would trust them if I was on a lifeboat with them, would not you?
So, this leaves the problem of Fenris Badwulf. Can he be stopped? When will you wake up on a dissection slab, being piece parcelled out to various worker clones? Nobody wants their brain scooped out of their skull and dumped into a tank of fluid and hooked up to an autodialer, selling home compost technology. But there is a way of stopping Fenris Badwulf. The secret is this: vote for Fenris Badwulf. He does not expect to win, and has made all sorts of greasy, slimy, and sticky deals based on this assumption. Vote for Fenris; make him suffer. Do not believe me? Why did Fenris dissappear from the election posturing right after Lisa was caught with that forged election poll? Hmmmm? Fenris does not want to win. So, this is his weakness. Better exploit it while you can. Before you find yourself in some subterreanean chamber, being made into a clone army, or spliced into a cyborg coffee shop barista.
