Caruso and Heidimarie and Keyser and Dojo
Long ago in a galaxy far away, a mild-mannered Pannonian-American blogger exiled in the barren plains of frigid Canada came across an amusing website dedicated to slagging the wooden acting “skills” of David Caruso (lead of the execrable CSI: Miami). Well, who knew what a can of bedlamical worms this would unleash?
It would appear that there is a posse of Caruso vigilantes out there who have selflessly devoted themselves to track down all desperados out there who have the temerity to cast nasturiums at their hero, Shakespearianesque Hoatio “You just killed four innocent people. You’re evil. You enjoy death. I hope you enjoy your own.” Caine. In particular, the blogger of the site Keyser linked to is apparently called Vixen, who is supposedly an Austrian woman named Heidimarie Schnitzer, who in turn is alleged to be an in-the-flesh stalker of Horatio. Keyser was pretty much instantly informed of this circumstance by two leading officials in the Caruso Clux Clan, Sara Kanne and Dojo. The two of them have informed Keyser that he has given Vixen a venue in which to soak up the limelight in a sort of narcissistic tanning booth of attention, Dojo pointing out that “she’s milking the attention you’re giving her.” Well, Keyser detects a hint of jealousy here, and since Keyser linked previously to Sara’s site, he wouldn’t want Dojo to feel aggrieved at having been left out.
So, Keyser enjoins everyone who has taken a Lucretian pleasure in watching this passion play unfold (suave, mari magno turbantibus aequora ventis
e terra magnum alterius spectare laborem, De rerum natura 2.1-2: “it’s pleasing when the winds whip up the waves to watch someone else’s toils from afar on the land”) to check out Dojo’s site Dojo’s David Caruso Site. Truth be told, a quick perusal suggests that the title of the blog is something of a misnomer. It would be more appositely entitled “Dojo’s Heidimarie Schnitzer Site.” Keyser was particularly taken with an “open letter” to Christian Putzer (sounds like the name of Keyser’s favorite New York governor!), who is apparently the spouse of said Schnitzer:
Re: David Caruso Stalker
Dear Chris:Instead of spending so much time browsing our blogs in search of God knows what, perhaps you might consider the best interests of your daughter.
It’s been nearly 8 months since Katharina Sophie has seen her Mutter. Regardless of your relationship with Heidemarie, a child needs far more contact with her mother than email can provide. Since ample opportunity has been presented and rejected, we know HeidiHo is deeply entrenched in her psychosis, evidencing extensive treatment daily. That’s not an excuse, simply an acknowledgment. This monkey is on your back, Chris.
For you there is no adequate explanation. You know where Heidi is (or how to find her) and are possibly the only one, save Katharina, who could persuade her to return to Innsbruck, where she belongs and where her privacy would be secure from prying eyes while necessary therapies are persued.
What sort of lame attempt at justification could you proffer that will placate Katharina now and into her adulthood without severely damaging her self-image?
In addition to the parental obligation to your daughter, as well as the apparent moral responsibility, you have permitted yourself the untenable position of accessory, perhaps aiding and abetting a fugitive felon. Are you willing to pay the price on that charge? Where would that leave Katharina Sophie? To what conceivable end?
Think about it, Chris. This is a no-win situation for Heidemarie, Katharina Sophie and for you. Isn’t it time for you to willingly step up to the plate and become the hero in the eyes of your daughter?
The deep sympathy and compassion for poor little Katharina Sophie that is made so evident in this posting brought a tear to Keyser’s eye. As did that monkey on poor Chris’s back (it’s nice to see that Dojo and Herr Putzer are on a first-name basis; they must dutzen each other, as they say in German). To think that a humble fan of David Caruso would take the time to make sure that this family’s personal tragedy should become “secure from prying eyes” by writing a public crie-de-coeur like this, even at the cost of exposing the writer’s poor spelling – well, Keyser finds this to be touching beyond words. Truly, the fount from which the milk of human kindness flows has not yet run dry in our times!
Oh, and if you check out the original posting, you’ll see more changing of the color of the text for emphasis. It’s odd how this trait runs through all of these blogs. Oh, and the verbose heading of the blog bears a striking resemblance to Sara’s. Hmm, more grist for the meerschaum pipe! At the very least, they all seem to be using the same website designer, and if that’s not sufficient grounds for a reconciliation, then Rodney King did not die in vain.
[This conundrum wrapped inside a mystery and lovingly garnished in a luscious enigma sauce was served up more in sorrow than in anger over at Keyser's Lair.]
January 1st, 2009 at 7:25 am
I don’t care who Caruso parks the beef bus in tuna town with. But I will say that the dude can’t act. His entire schtick is taking off or putting on his sunglasses and uttering a one-liner. Lame.
January 1st, 2009 at 9:03 am
Yup. That sums it up nicely.
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Oh yes ,the fangirls can bet their fat fanny’s,we are ready for bear….I totally agree Chris Taylor…the dude can’t act….he’s so arrogant/disrepectful toward women.How can you defend a douche like him?Thanks for letting me have my say.I invite you over to have a cup of gossip with Jeannie/Vixen/Cupcake,we are bad.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:15 am
give the guy a break. he can’t help the lines he is given to speak. true, horatio has gone sour, but David CAN act and he DOES well in movies. Watch him in Kiss of Death, Proof of Life or Jade. the movies themselves are poorly directed and very poorly edited, but his acting int hem is good.
don’t judge a guy on one role.