Archive for the ‘24’ Category

24 – 4 AM

Friday, September 28th, 2012

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“I don’t have much time to talk. However, I have been reflecting on something that I wish to share with you.”

“What’s that, Jack?”

“Originally, when this whole mess started, I was given 24 hours to catch the *CAT* (Canine American Terrorists).

“Go on, Jack….”

“And for a while things were rushing along at breakneck speed. Bombs were exploding, I was running down the bad guys, I hardly had a moment to myself”

“And….?”

“Well, is it just me, or does it feel like I’ve been doing this 24 hour thing for the better part of 6 years now?”

“I’m not following what you’re saying, Jack”

“I’m saying that it feels like the last 24 hours have taken years and years to complete, that I’m/we’re in some sort of time/space continuum”

“Sort of like dog years, Jack?”

“That doesn’t really fit in with what I’m saying, Chloe, but thanks for ruining my train of thought”

To be continued…

24 – 3 am

Thursday, July 21st, 2011

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“I don’t have much time to talk. Have you ever brought your car into one of those oil change places, the ones that say they’ll give your car an oil change for $29.99, only to walk out paying upwards of $$1435.98?”

“Yes, Jack, they’ll offer you all sorts of useless services your car doesn’t need, and pretty much put the screws to you through intimidation and shady sales practises.”

“Damn, you say. And here I am chasing down the CAT terrorists and all the while the real terrorists are those punk-ass degenerates at various oil change outlets at convenient locations situation throughout Canada and the United States.”

“Jack, what are you going to do about it?”

“I think you already know, Chloe, I think you already know…”

To be continued…

24 – 2 am

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“”I don’t have much time to talk. While I was waiting here, pondering my next move against the CAT’s (Canine American Terrorists), I started thinking that I only have 24 hours to find them, dismantle the bombs they placed, and save the world, yet, it feels as if I’ve been at this for nearly four years now”.

“You know Jack, now that you mention it, it does seem like an extraordinarily long time you’ve been at this thing”.

“And not only that, Chloe, but I bet if you looked at the log of some of the previous phone calls I’ve made to you, the timeline would be way out of whack”

“My God Jack, you could be right. Why is that?”

“It is my belief, Chloe, that the CAT’s are playing some sort of Jedi mind game with us, making time stand still, or rapidly advancing it. They have powers we have never seen before”.

“Oh no, Jack, what can we do?”

“Never invest in a watch again, Chloe”.

“You are a solutions person, Jack.”

To be continued…

24- 2-3 PM

Thursday, October 1st, 2009

kiefersutherland

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“This is unbelievable. I needed to find some plastic forks because I’m making a device to capture the dirty bombs that the CAT’s (Canine American Terrorists) have left all over the city, so I went to a grocery store, but they individually sell spoons and knives, but you have to buy forks as a package WITH the spoons and knives. They don’t sell forks individually.”

“Go on, Jack”

“So I went to another grocery store, same thing. You can buy individual packages of spoons and knives, but not forks. So I went to a third grocery store, same thing again.”

“Are you saying this is some sort of conspiracy, Jack?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying, Chloe”

“But who would be behind something like this, Jack?”

“Big Cutlery™”

“Oh Jack, fork them”

“Yes Chloe, fork them gently with a chainsaw”

To be continued…

Smile & The World Smiles With You

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

big-gums

Holy Lord, that dame sports more gum than a Dentyne factory. Word on the street says it costs her over $1700 a month to keep her in toothpaste. They say that some peoples smile can light up a room–this chicks smile could light up Manhattan. If the FBI are still looking for Jimmy Hoffa, may I suggest searching this broads mouth. Sure, she may be laughing now, but when her owner finds out she spit out her bit, he’s going to wipe that smile right off her face.

24–1-2pm

Monday, May 18th, 2009

kiefer-sutherland1

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“You will not believe this crap. I was at a bar a few days ago with a middle-aged, semi-decent actress/model, trying to get some information as to the whereabouts of the CAT (canine American terrorists), when all of a sudden this fashion designing homo starts saying disparaging remarks to actress/model lady”

“Oh man, Jack, I hope you punched that pole-smoker in the face”

“I sure as shit did, Chloe. Only problem is that he cried and bitched to the police and now it looks like I might be spending more time in the clink”

“Wow, Jack. Remember the good old days when men were men, and if they said something terrible to a woman and got a face full of fist they took it like a man instead of blubbering like a coward and a pussy to the police?”

“Those days are long gone, Chloe. There aren’t any John Wayne’s left, only ball-less, effeminate, sausage smoking, girlie men. I have a good mind to let the CAT’s win, that might help clean up this perverted planet we live in”

“Hallelujah, Jack. Say, we only have four hours left before the dirty bombs are detonated, did the actress/model lady give you any good leads?”

“Good leads for what?”

“We’re doomed, aren’t we Jack?”

“Yup, pretty much, Chloe”

To be continued…

24–12-1 pm

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“I’m hot on the trail on the CAT (canine American terrorists), I have located where they make the dirty bombs, and have found a list of the street vendors that distribute them.”

“Jack, we need you to shut down their operation and stop all the street vendors from distributing the dirty bombs”

“Chloe, the list has over 300 names on it, it’ll take me 10 years to find them all”

“Can we send you some help, Jack”

“Ah, ya, help would be nice, Chloe”

“You know, Jack, I really don’t appreciate your tone. Sarcasm doesn’t work for you”

“I’m sorry, Chloe, ever since I got buggered in prison I’ve been on edge. I promise I’ll close down every organization that sells the bad street meat”

“Hahaha, street meat, that ALWAYS kills me”

“I’m telling you, Chloe, it never misses”

24–10-11 pm

Thursday, December 6th, 2007

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“I don’t have much time to talk. Actually, I’m in a teenie weenie bit of trouble with the law.”

“What happened, Jack?”

“Well, you know how I really like the drinkie drinkie?”

“Yes, Jack”

“And you know how I like the drivie drivie?”

“Yes, Jack”

“It seems the po po frown upon my mixture of the drinkie drinkie with the drivie drivie”

“You were busted for a DUI, Jack?”

“Yes. And I’m spending the next 48 days in jail”

“Hehehe”

“What’s so funny, Chloe?”

“48 is 2×24…get it? 24?”

“You humour does not appeal to me, Chloe”

24–9-10 pm

Wednesday, August 15th, 2007

“Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“I don’t have much time to talk. I’ve had to go underground to hunt the CAT (canine American terrorists). I’ve had radical reconstructive surgery, lived in dumpsters and eaten rats. I have done everything I could to hunt down those bastards.

“Have you had any luck, Jack?”

“Any luck with what?”

“Ahhhh, any luck with finding where the terrorists have hidden the bombs”

“Oh right. Yes, as a matter of fact I have. The terrorists have hidden thousands of their dirty bombs in the street meat of various fast food suppliers throughout California”.

“Oh my God, Jack, what are you going to do?”

“Well, to start, I’m not going to eat any street meat. Secondly, I’m going to find the leader, Tippy, and I’m going to smack his nose with a paper. Then I’m going to kill him”.

“Hey, Jack”

“Yes, Chloe?”

“Street meat”

“Hahaha, I know, it’s funny cuz it rhymes”

To be continued…

24–8-9 pm

Monday, May 7th, 2007

Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?” It feels like I haven’t spoken to you in months.

“Chloe, it’s been less than an hour since I’ve spoken to you”

“No shit?”

“I shit you not. I don’t have much time to talk. You won’t believe this, but I have completely forgotten what I wanted to tell you”

“Wow, that’s major league embarrassing, wouldn’t you say?”

“For sure, I had something extremely hilarious to tell you, and now its completely slipped my mind”

“So now we’re just kind of stuck here making small talk out of nothing, twiddling our thumbs and trying to think of something to keep our attention?”

“It sure seems that way. So, whatcha wearing?”

Click…..

24–7-8 pm

24–7-8pm

Monday, February 26th, 2007

Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“I don’t have much time to talk, I mean, other than talk about the Oscars last night”

“Jack, you were suppose to be hunting terrorists, not watching them…haha”

“Good one, Chloe, and so true”

“I didn’t watch it last night, was it as excruciatingly boring as everyone at the office says it was?”

“And then some”

“And what was the theme that the one trick ponies were droning on about last night?”

Homelessness AIDS Apartheid War for oil Global warming”

“No shit?”

“I shit you not. What a puppet show it was last night. Here’s a bunch of limo liberals lecturing us about the evils of climate change, telling us how WE must cut back, and all the while they live in mansions, make millions upon millions a movie, while the movie sets they work on use kajillions of watts of electricity 24/7. They smoke, pollute, waste, drive huge monster cars and SUV’s, fly in private jets, have the most expensive food flown in for them, and then have the nerve to preach to US

“No shit?”

“I shit you not, Chloe. It is estimated that over 1 billion TV’s tuned in to the Oscars last night”

“Imagine how much energy the world could have saved if all those sets weren’t on, Jack?”

“Yup, I’d like to stick my carbon footprint up every last Hollyweirdo’s carbon-based ass”

“No shit, Jack”

To be continued…

6pm

24–6pm

Monday, February 12th, 2007

Chloe, it’s me, Jack”

“What’s going on, Jack?”

“I actually have quite a bit of time to talk right now, Chloe”

“Jack, please, there isn’t much time at all. The Canine American Terrorists are going to strike at any minute…”

“Oh fiddle faddle. We never get to talk any more, Chloe. Tell, me, whatcha thinkin?”

“What am I thinking? For the love of God, Jack, we have to find the dirty bombs the CAT left before it’s too late”

“Chloe? Do you prefer grapefruit sugar body buffer exfoliater, or refreshing winter green exfoliating cleanser?”

“Whu?”

“Chloe, look what I can do with my leg…isn’t that a scream? And look at my fingers, I can do a wicked impression of a spider”

“I’m begging you, Jack, get back to work”

“Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…”

To be continued…

5pm