Keyser’s pretty sure it’s obligatory for every North American high school student to read the O. Henry short story “The Gift of the Magi.” In case you’ve forgotten, it’s a heart-warming saga of a poor couple at Christmas time. The wife’s got nice long hair, so hubby wants to buy her a fancy comb set. Having no money (on account of being poor), he goes and sells his fancy pocket watch to buy the comb set (though Keyser always wondered what he was going with such a thing if they’re that poor). Wifey, on the other hand, goes and has her hair lopped off to buy a fancy chain for the watch (used to be that nice hair was more valuable or at least gold chains cheaper back then). Must have been a humdinger of a Christmas, no? (”Now what in the fuck do we do?” “We could brush the chain with the comb.” “Oh, shut up.”)

Cue to modern update: (more…)

How can Ricky Gervais slam fatasses weight-enriched lovable people with such aplomb? Does he not recognize the value that they provide to our society? Oh sure, the larger among us rarely get the recognition they deserve, but have made large strides, even without having to get off the couch! They have been successful in getting themselves recognized as a disability, making yet another aspect of our lives the concern of a loving and just federal government. Being fun-sized is merely a failure on the part of the corporations, the media…anyone but us.

Those of you of the thin obviously self-unloving kind, take heed–your days are numbered, and as soon as we unencumber you of the burdens of self-control and deportment, you will someday join us.

You know, in all of this crazy falderol about the stalking of David Caruso and the counter stalking of the alleged stalker, and dark intimations about who may or may not be the archfiend Heidimarie Schnitzer, Keyser has had occasion to read a number of blogs about this topic and to wade through a quite a few comments about this, both on here and elsewhere. It would seem that there are a large number of people out there who are obsessing about this. Keyser has Sara in particular in mind, but there are others, too.

And this in turn reminded Keyser of a scene from the movie Conspiracy about the Wannsee Conference of January 1942, in which questions relating to the impending German effort to exterminate the Jews were discussed in a meeting of concerned bureaucrats presided over by Reinhard Heydrich, the man in the SS responsible for this policy.

Heydrich meets with various objections from a bureaucrat named Kritzinger, who at one point tells him a story. In this scene after the conclusion of the meeting, Heydrich recounts the story to Adolf Eichman (who would carry on with the project after Heydrich’s assassination at the hands of Czech agents later in the year):

Really, people. Let’s stop obsessing about this!

[This war criminal was found in hiding over at Keyser's Lair and has been dragged off for condign punishment.]

The on-going theater of the absurd known as “Caruso and Me and Everyone Else on the Planet” gets more and more ridiculous. “The Stalker Chronicles of Vixen hater and Caruso defender Sara has posted a lot about Keyser’s http://mitchieville.com/2009/01/caruso-and-heidimarie-and-keyser-and-dojo/recent posts about http://mitchieville.com/2008/12/caruso-and-me-and-keyser/>this situation, and has managed to fuck everything up (and insult Keyser and, implicitly, The Mayor into the bargain). First, in a post with some other crap in it we get this: (more…)

Cat and parrot

[This public service announcement was issued by the Health and Human Resources Department over at Keyser's Lair, where your Safety and Well-being is Quantifiable Indicator of Quality Output Numero Uno.]

Long ago in a galaxy far away, a mild-mannered Pannonian-American blogger exiled in the barren plains of frigid Canada came across an amusing website dedicated to slagging the wooden acting “skills” of David Caruso (lead of the execrable CSI: Miami). Well, who knew what a can of bedlamical worms this would unleash?
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You know, Keyesr once saw a carillon concert in the rather inappropriately named Rockefeller Chapel at the University of Chicago (it’s actually a huge Gothic structure that’s a lot bigger than many churches). You had to walk all the way up to the top of the main building via a spiral staircase, then walk over the vaulting and climb up to the top of the tower, where you saw some sort of maniac play this incredible contraption to get the bells to work:
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Apparently, this nitwit is not happy with “Jews” but since he doesn’t pronounce English correctly (devoicing the plural marker at the end), he hears “juice” (phonetically, this is /ȝuz/ vs. /ȝus/). But how could you be able to spell an “illogically” written word like “juice” but not know how to spell “Jews” (particularly if you’re vexed enough by them to want to kill all of them)? Keyser’s had occasion in the past to comment on the orthography of anti-Semitism before, but this time Keyser feels that the blame should be laid at the feet of Microsoft (”maker of the world’s worst software - you have our Word on it!”).
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The ongoing saga of serial Keyser reader and alleged David Caruso stalker Vixen and her accusers gets curiouser and curiouser. Make what you will of the following post from some guy’s blog back in August: (more…)

The interwebz can be a very strange place. Anyone who has read Keyser’s Lair in the past may recall that an idle comment of Keyser’s regarding MEGASTAR TONY ORLANDO’s supposed “megahit” “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” in which he called it “dopey” led to denunciations by Lunatic-in-Chief Denise Molianro (the Grand Cyclops or something of “Tony’s Storm Troopers,” a band of deranged middle-aged women with nothing better to do with themselves than defend to (somebody else’s) death the sacred name of TONY ORLANDO), who egged on various minions including the vile Lynette E. Grimm (what a name!), who had the temerity to suggest that Keyser should be strangled for daring to besmirch the reputation of the Hallowed Has-Been. Well, Keyser was reasonably tolerant of the whole thing until he got the death threat, and at that point told the Storm Troopers that if they don’t like the Lair, they should just exercise their constitutional right tostay the fuck away. The tempest then returned to its teapot.

Well, another idle posting by Keyser has led to a bit more craziness. (more…)

What with the Christmas season and all, recently there hasn’t been much in the way of economic news. Seemingly, no news was bad news: (more…)

We have had occasion in the past to animadvert upon the travails of Sir Paul McBeattle’s ex-wife, the one-legged sex kitten Heather Mills, but there were no sense at the time of the foul malignancy that lay just beneath the surface of her scantily clad snap shots. It turns out that Heather is an “employer” who makes Ebenezer Scrooge look like the tooth fairy. Never since the horrific employment scheme concocted by Fritz Sauckel and Albert Speer has Europe seen such an outrage. Indeed, the ghost of slave-driving King Leopold of Belgium was said to have flinched upon reading of this atrocity. Be forewarned that this is not for the faint of heart: (more…)

Leftists in academia these days tend to rag off about the excessive press coverage given in the past to what they sneeringly refer to as “dem” (dead european males: guys like Plato and George Washington). But now we have some good news for “dem”:

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So, here’s a gem from an interview with Edward O. Wilson, the father of “sociobiology” (the idea that behavior is a genetically acquired trait that is engendered in people through natural selection):

Are ants better at anything than humans?
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You know, there are so many signs of leftist stupidity in Hollywood that Keyser just tunes it out. But when Keyser learned that a movie about Communist murderer and coffee mug icon for ignoramuses Che Guevara was coming out soon, he had a bad feeling about it. Actually, they filmed so much garbage that it’s two films. (Keyser refuses to give this bilge publicity, so if you’re curious, google will have to be your friend.) Well, Keyser saw something so mind-numbingly imbecilic this morning that even his well nigh preternatural patience with the mental retardation that goes with being “artistic” these days finally gave out. This is what the director of the movie said in an interview:

Why make “Che”? What relevance does it have to 2008?
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Things have been a bit “dark” over at the Lair recently, which has accounted for his absence from Mitchieville (let’s just leave it at that, as “psych ward” has such an ugly sound to it). But Keyser’s been “released,” so in celebration here’s something to add a bit of Christmas cheer:

Boy George is facing jail after being convicted today of handcuffing a male escort to his bed and beating him with a metal chain as he tried to flee after a naked photo shoot.
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Well, yesterday Keyser bestowed his Thanksgiving benedictions on his US readers, and he hopes that your Thanksgiving went better than this guy’s: (more…)

[A snapshot of the bedlam breaking out over at Keyser's Lair.]