The citizens are in their usual state of panic, just as City Council wants them. Supplies of red mittens are running low, as the last of the free tickets to events have been sold online. People are frantically scraping the sides of their freezers for the precious ice particles, hoping that they won’t have to truck in any further snow. The homeless are huddled around a pile of burning Miga dolls, frantically trying to keep warm and cook their crack to a toasty golden brown.

We’re a destitute bunch, and the invasion force has not even arrived. We stand vigilant, gritting our teeth in the knowledge that our fragile bodies will be subject to the most violent of deluges. Crashing bodies hurling into us, so utterly devoid of mercy or even reason that they threaten to fracture our bones to powder. It’s not a SkyTrain; it’s a high-speed coffin delivering us straight into the gullet of hell.

For those of us who don’t thirst for the blood of our enemies gushing down our throats, we steel our genitals to face the horror of the desecration of the fair athlete:

Vonn is first a GREAT athlete, but she also represents norm of feminine attractiveness. The combination of athleticism and attractiveness make Vonn the likely poster girl of the US Olympic Team, and the media hasn’t disappointed in constructed her as such.

Not to be left out, Sports Illustrated is featuring Vonn on their Feb. 8, 2010 cover. For those of you who follow SI Covers, know that female athletes are RARELY featured on the cover.

This quote comes from the website WomenTalkSports, and apparently they don’t talk to all that so good-like. (I have my own mishaps with editing, admittedly, and maybe I am being fussy by counting “media” as plural, but oh my goodness.) The women female writers are upset that on that rare occasion when a woman is featured on the cover that she is posed “provocatively.” The only way that pose is provocative is if she positions herself over the salad bar.

Maybe only 4% of the covers featured women, but 100% of the Swimsuit Edition covers featured women. What is up with that? It’s like…I dunno…SI is just interested in catering to the massive demographic that reads the magazine or something!

It’s all we can do to stave off the creeping madness, clawing into our already fragile minds and destroying our souls. We say a silent prayer for Lindsey Vonn, the latest fatality in the Olympic onslaught.

A man in Chicago was on the receiving end of a bit of fun this Christmas:

A Chicago man could be unwrapping the hundreds of Christmas gifts spread around his apartment for days, even weeks.

Trouble is, they aren’t really presents. They’re his own belongings meticulously wrapped by friends as a prank while he was out of town.

Louie Saunders’ packages contain everything from couch cushions to the beer in his refrigerator.

His friend Adal Rifai masterminded the scheme after Saunders gave him a spare key. It took 16 people, 35 rolls of wrapping paper and eight hours to finish the job.

Saunders tells the Chicago Sun-Times he’s only been able to unwrap about 10 percent of the packages.

He jokes that the upside is that, with each package he unwraps, he finds something inside that’s just what he needs.

Mr.Saunders is still trying to find his wife in one of the boxes, but admitted he’s not in a hurry to find that one.

I am always a little suspicious at accusations of profiling, but I am here to make one! Cabbies around Vancouver are known for coming from certain regions nearly exclusively, and sometimes they don’t have the greatest diplomatic skills, but they seem all right, willing to work hard here in Canada. The usual rules are in place: no smoking, don’t chat on the phone too long, be polite to the clientele. I just don’t know if this stipulation from Foreign Affairs and International Trade Canada is really necessary:

If the contractors are caught using the money to fund terrorist groups, the document states, they will be dismissed immediately.

Whoa! That seems a bit harsh. Oh well, at least you should be glad you’re not a Polish immigrant hanging around YVR.

It might not be all that far-fetched, however. The For Dix plot to murder 100 US soldiers was thwarted two years ago, and Mohamad Ibrahim Shnewer was a cab driver in Philadelphia. Mahmud Abouhalima, a Manhattan cab driver, conspired to blow up the World Trade Centre in 1993. Habib Ahmed, arrested in Manchester, England, after having been suspected of planning a terrorist attack and having trained in a terrorist camp in Pakistan. There was also a 2007 guilty plea of a DC-area cabbie, Mahmud Faruq Brent, who acknowledged he had trained in a terrorist camp in Pakistan.

Are there no stipulations about refusing fares who might be carrying alcohol or dogs? This was a problem in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area a while ago, where Muslim drivers refused to allow passengers having either, even if it was a seeing-eye dog for the blind. I don’t know–if you’re going to profile them for being Muslim or Sikh, you need to cover all the bases. I also like how they were simply be dismissed for supporting terrorists. That’s giving them the old sporting chance to get away with it, RCMP!

What is it with economists in the antique media who hate the free market? Paul Krugman, Dierdre McMurdy–they just can’t stand a growth market.

Oh, and Diane Francis wants to decimate the world’s population. By half.

(more…)

**More demotivational posters can be found right about here…

The file name for this picture is *anti-semetic (sp) currency*, but I see nothing anti-Semitic about it. Actually, it’s rather pro-Semitic. Now, if the President’s name on the bill was Jacksonstein and he was eating some hamantashen and drinking an gogl-mogl, and the $20 bill was changed to $20 shekels, well, someone would definitely have some ’splainin’ to do.

For now though, you apikoros’ need to settle down.

A 12 year old Virginia girl has doctors baffled, baffled I tells ya!, as they can’t figure out the reason she sneezes over 12,000 times day:

It is so bad that she sneezes up to 20 times a minute, or 12,000 times a day.

The non-stop sneezing began two weeks ago when Lauren from Virginia in the U.S. caught a cold.

Lauren can’t go to school and is even struggling to eat. 

The only relief she gets is when she falls asleep each night. Her condition has left doctors baffled.

During a five-minute interview on the Today Show in the U.S. Lauren sneezed hundreds of times, her speech interrupted every few seconds. 

The 12-year-old - dubbed the ‘Gesundheit Girl’ said: ‘I can’t stop.

‘I thought it wouldn’t last this long but it’s been two weeks now.’

She said she is not in pain - simply in discomfort.

‘It’s primarily the sneezing,’ she added.

‘Maybe I’ll get a raw nose from the tissues but that’s it.’ 

They tried hypnosis but it did not work.

Lauren has also seen a therapist in case a psychological factor is triggering the physical reaction.

Doctors believe it may be that she is suffering from an ‘irretractable.

I feel terrible for the little girl, but I also feel terrible for her mother who must be fed up saying “Bless You”. After the 75,ooo time she must have been like, “What the hell already?”

I suppose the little girl can’t go out in public either, especially nowadays with the heightened awareness and panic over the banyard flu. Can you imagine what would happen to the poor thing if she was on the subway and she started sneezing uncontrollably? She would be treated worse than the balloon boys balloon when it landed and law enforcement officials starting pitchforking it thinking it was some sort of alien spaceship or something.

Nothing good can possibly come from this story, I really can’t see any type of happy ending. Then again, I have no idea what I’m talking about and haven’t taken the slightest interest in it. I do know however, that if given a chance, I would like to sneeze directly into the face of the momma. Then after I did that, I would say, “Oh my, let me clean that off for you”. Then I would take out my hanky - (because all the cool guys carry hankys) and wipe her face. Unbeknownst to both of us, my hanky would be covered in spaghetti sauce, and every time I wiped baby mommas face, it would get more covered in red sauce. After her face is totally covered in sauce, I would scream, “Oh my God, you’re a monster just like your daughter”. And she would break down and cry and I would walk away knowing that my words and actions were mean, but completely necessary.

Some would say I would be a hero, and it would be hard to disagree with those people.

A woman who spotted her next door neighbour pleasuring himself in his backyard, says that her life has been forever affected, and she has had to turn to anti-depressants just to cope:

The victim of garden pervert Paul Darlow – who told a court he had put her off men and sausages for life – has told how she still suffers flashbacks.

Denise Woodage saw oddball Darlow pleasuring himself in his back garden in Churchwood Walk, Calcot, and frequently spotted him going about his chores naked – save for a pair of boots.

That’s nothing, I’ve never seen this woman pleasure herself, and yet by just looking at her picture, I’m not only off women, I’m also off solid food.

In November 2008 – after capturing Darlow on film flashing his bits yet again – he was arrested and charged with indecent exposure.

He initially denied the incidents but during his trial, before Judge Zoë Smith, he confessed to touching himself outdoors.

However, he claimed he did not realise Mrs Woodage could see his actions and he did not intend to cause her distress – a claim the jury did not believe.

Mrs Woodage told the Post: “I am now on anti-depressants and also sleeping tablets – this has really affected me. There are not many houses in this street and [there are] a lot of children. I would’ve hated for them to see Darlow flashing.

“I didn’t even know his name when I first saw him but I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it.

“He looks younger than he is and he was well-endowed and really hairy.

She sure got a good look at buddys junk before she came to the conclusion she was horrified, didn’t she? I figure if you can spot a guys mole on his inner left thigh from 200 feet, that means you’re not horrified, that means you’re in love. Then again, who am I to say, it’s not like I’m an experienced magistrate like Judge Zoë Smith. What a name for a judge, that’s like being tried by Judge Bubbles Jones, or Judge Bambi “Beefeater” McGraw.

I think I can safely say that we have all learned a lesson tonight. The Mayor learned that it may not be a great idea to mow the lawn whilst naked and treating ones organ like an amusement park ride. Cudgel learned that if you want to shun obese and unattractive females, simply pull down your fly, grab a gardening tool, as start singing, “If you like my body and you think I’m sexy…”. And Dmorris learned, well, dmorris didn’t learn anything, and that’s because dmorris already knew all about this kind of thing.

It’s all about experience, boys and girls, it’s all about experience.

Now how about a hug? Uh uh, first you go and put on some pants, you kinky knucklehead.

In order to teach residents of a London suburb a lesson about leaving valuables in their cars, police have been instructed to take said valuables from their cars and bring them to the police station:

“We have the lowest level of crime per head of any borough,” Williams said. “However, one problem we have got is too many thefts from motor vehicles. The main reason for this is sheer thoughtlessness and carelessness by car owners.”

He said police are removing items including purses and satellite navigation devices from cars with unlocked doors or open windows and replacing them with notes informing the owners which police station is holding their property. He said police will only resort to taking custody of the items if they cannot find the owner of the vehicle.

Williams said motorists who leave their doors unlocked but don’t have any valuables on display will only receive notes asking them to be more careful.

I can see no better way to win the hearts and minds, AND the trust of the community you have sworn to protect, than by stealing their shit. Because let’s face it, that’s exactly what it is, isn’t it?

Let me put this another way: How would the cops react if they left their cell phone in the police car with the windows rolled down, and someone took the phone, and left a note that said, “You can pick up your crap from Fred’s house at so and so address”. Would the coppers be impressed, or would they arrest you for STEALING?

Next thing you know, the police will be jumping through house windows that are open, taking big screen TV’s. “Hey, Simon, you might want to keep that window rolled up, mate!”

Are the coppers in England even trying any more? They seem more interested in tormenting the victims of crime, rather than bringing the scofflaws to justice.

Well, they finally come out of the woodwork–the businesses that support the harmonized sales tax (HST) being introduced to British Columbia. Apparently Dracula John Allan, president and CEO of the Council of Forest Industries, decided to step up and throw his cape into the ring:

Switching to a harmonized value-added tax is one of the best things the government could have done to help the ailing forest industry, John Allan, president and CEO of the Council of Forest Industries, told The Vancouver Sun editorial board last Friday.

With lumber prices lower than the cost of producing it, the forest industry is “burning cash,” Allan said. But with the softwood lumber agreement in place, the government’s hands are tied on how it can help.

So harmonizing the tax, which is allowed under the softwood lumber agreement because it applies to everyone, “is a huge huge deal for forestry,” Allan said.

Speaking of huge huge deals, it might be worth noting that the forestry industry has received over $1 billion this year in direct aid from the federal government, $420 to $440 million going to the British Columbian producers alone. The president of the Communications, Energy and Paperworkers Union of Canada is also asking for guarantees–not subsidies!–for the forestry industry.

People like John Allan can’t just come out and admit a quid pro quo, but all of the signs are there. An industry interested in improving “efficiency” is doing everything but that. Rather than simply stopping production, if they really are “burning money” as they are claiming, they want to continue running the Potemkin mill and approaching the government pleading poverty. The article points out that the BC government claims that the construction industry, which uses a lot of lumber, will be saving an incredible amount of money. However, with the HST burden shifted to the consumer, people will be far more reluctant to buy any of BC houses already over 50% higher than the Canadian average. So with the heavily subsidized lumber producers, we should be building a lot of houses that no one would want. I’m hoping there is some sort of surplus system designed to drive down housing prices, but isn’t that a little too close to price control?

Premier Gordon Campbell’s ideas of lateral-shift taxation are not helping anyone. If he was interested in really helping out BC’s forestry industry, he would simply drop corporate taxes. Good luck getting a sweetheart deal on debt relief and direct subsidies for that new first house for the average taxpayer in BC. (And I’m still waiting on my $100 cheque.)

It wasn’t too long ago that the forestry industry, among other industries, were protesting the carbon tax, which will rise to $30 a tonne by 2012. Now that the industries are going to enjoy a tax break, they suddenly like Campbell’s tax ideas. Amazing timing, isn’t it? Meanwhile, average folks will pay more tax from the HST and already pay more tax from the carbon tax. Bear in mind that the HST was such a brilliant idea that the Campbell government specifically swore it was not on their radar right until last May, right after the election.

Try to imagine that this as close as it gets to a conservative mindset in British Columbia. Businesses that are likely going to be dependent on government handouts will have no incentive to modernize or become more efficient and competitive, but they make the perfect puppet for when the government is actually raising taxes to make it seem like we’re paying them anyway.

In order to stamp out racism and sexism, dozens of tax-funded groups across Britain have come together to purge the English language from what they deem *offensive language*:

Among the everyday sayings that have been quietly dropped in a bid to stamp out racism and sexism are “whiter than white”, “gentleman’s agreement”, “black mark” and “right-hand man”.

The Northern Ireland Human Rights Commission has advised staff to replace the phrase “black day” with “miserable day”, according to documents released under freedom of information rules.

It points out that certain words carry with them a “hierarchical valuation of skin colour”. The commission even urges employees to be mindful of the term “ethnic minority” because it can imply “something smaller and less important”.

The National Gallery in London believes that the phrase “gentleman’s agreement” is potentially offensive to women and suggests that staff should replace it with “unwritten agreement” or “an agreement based on trust” instead. The term “right-hand man” is also considered taboo by the gallery, with “second in command” being deemed more suitable.

Advice issued by the South West Regional Development Agency states: “Terms such as ‘black sheep of the family’, ‘black looks’ and ‘black mark’ have no direct link to skin colour but potentially serve to reinforce a negative view of all things black. Equally, certain terms imply a negative image of ‘black’ by reinforcing the positive aspects of white.

“For example, in the context of being above suspicion, the phrase ‘whiter than white’ is often used. Purer than pure or cleaner than clean are alternatives which do not infer that anything other than white should be regarded with suspicion.”

It’s about time. I can hardly sleep at night knowing there are words out there that can possibly cause offense not to ethnic minorities, but to white people that want to protect ethnic minorities from themselves.

I have come up with a small, but brilliant list of words & phrases that I would like to see banned or at least changed. Some have sexist overtones, some have racial overtones, but all of them make someone, somewhere, cry:

• Black & Tan Beer - replace with *Coors Lite*
• Black Top - replace with *Pave over with not-white colour*
• Manhole Cover - replace with *Personhole Cover*, and then replace “person” because it has the word “Son* in it, so let’s call it *Round Metal disc-like unit*
• Black Eye - replace with *ocular boo boo of non-descript colour*
• Manatee - replace with *Fat aquatic sea mammal*
• Menstrual cycle - replace with *femalestrual cycle*
• Mannheim Museum - replace with *Goldstein Museum*
• Menopause - replace with *Bitching time*

I’m sure there are many more I haven’t thought up yet, but it’s only a matter of time before I trip over a few more.

We have reached an age where everything is offensive. In one way or another everyone is a victim, everyone is offended, and everyone deserves, and will get reparations. Are you gay? Here’s some money. Are you black? Here’s a house. Do you have a limp? We’ll get every business in the country to install a ramp JUST FOR YOU!

The Righteous® know as well as we know that words have no affect on a person if that person chooses not to let it have an affect on them. Put another way, if you choose to be offended by a word, then you’ll be offended. If you choose not to be, you won’t be. The Righteous® are out for power, and power only. They want to make everyone miserable, and taking words with historical meaning and shaking them out of our vocabulary is one way to do it. How do you fight back against this sort of thing? Mock and ridicule the little cocks. The one thing The Righteous® can’t stand is to be made fun of. But they’re easy to make fun of and it’s our duty to do so.

In the words of The Righteous®, “Do it for the children”.

Did you know that you needed a cell phone? According to the US government, we must leave no stimulus unturned:

SafeLink Wireless offers qualifying customers FREE cellular service. This service is currently available in Alabama, Connecticut, D. of Columbia, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin.

And more to come! What’s this all based on? A simple report by one Nicholas Sullivan, who wrote a report in April, 2008 that claimed that giving the poor free cell phones would help boost their economic activity:

This new study on cell phone usage in America is based on two new surveys—a scientific national sampling of 1005 households by ORC and a statistically large online sampling of 110,000 TracFone prepaid phone users.

…

In the much larger (albeit non-scientific) Tracfone survey, where 30% of working households (not retired, student, unemployed) attributed gains to their cell phones, the average annual gain cited was a much higher $2,361 per household.

I bet if I asked people if their cars made them money, they would likely say yes–they get you to work, they let you drive to the mall to buy work clothes, etc. That doesn’t mean the car is the factor that lets you gain wealth. But this is the false premise being given here, and is being asked of people here who realistically wouldn’t know how wealth is generated in the first place. (Likely answer: the government.)

The pushers for this program came from the New Millennium Research Council, of whom Sullivan is affiliated, a Washington-based “think tank.” The group is really a project of Issue Dynamics Corp., and has a list of clients that include:

Bell Atlantic
BellSouth
Coalition for Affordable Local and Long Distance Service (CALLS)
GTE
Metricom (a wireless Internet company)
Pacific Bell
Personal Communications Industry Assoc.
Qualcomm
Qwest
SBC Communications
Sprint
Telecommunications Research & Action Center
Teligent, Inc.
United States Telecom Association (USTA)
Verizon
Verizon Wireless

Any clue what these corporations and groups might have in common? You couldn’t find a bigger list of lobbyists trying to get the government to pick up the tab for “free” phone usage. Sullivan’s own book released two years ago, You Can Hear Me Now: How Micro Loans and Cell Phones are Connecting the World’s Poor, made the same argument but was using data from the poorest of the poor countries, and is starting to look like the telecom industries are the ones making the profits. Where’s his follow-up data saying how much better off the people of Bangladesh are now that they have cell phones? Cell phones are a means of conducting business, but they don’t suddenly make people richer just by sprinkling them on the masses.

Sullivan’s floppy logic has just increased the dependence of poor people on the government for a product they should be creating wealth to achieve, not simply being handed to them. The entire poverty industry has already disincentivized people from wanting to earn, and these free cell phones are another entitlement that a responsible government is now going to have to convince people that they have to be taken away.

Nick, can you hear us? Quit shilling for corporations and advocacy groups looking for more welfare when the cookie jar is already tapped out.