Archive for the ‘absurd’ Category

Jeb Bush – Representing the 1%

Friday, February 19th, 2016

If $100 million got him 1%, imagine what 50 billion would do for his campaign?

That’s Some Good Advice

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016

However, it is nice to be reminded 3 or 4 times a day to not drink and drive. Listen to any radio station and you’ll hear that gentle *reminder* at least that many times in a 24 hour period. Just yesterday, The Mayor was listening to a local station and a commercial came on and a window company *spokesperson* gave a gentle *reminder* to NOT drink and drive. At 11 in the am. Good advice. That probably saved a few dozen lives right there.

The Mayor was actually thinking about getting loaded and taking the giant SUV for a spin, until he heard the *gentle reminder*. That straightened The Mayor out quick-smart.
Thank you, window company. Thank you for thinking of us.

Good Friday

Friday, April 3rd, 2015

From our keyboards to your eyes, from our fingers to your ears, and from our hearts to your heart, have a great Good Friday and a happy new year.

Burger Butt Gets A Beatin’

Friday, February 27th, 2015

If anything can be taken away from the following story, it’s that you should always look at your chair before sitting down:

Atlanta Police are investigating a brutal attack of a woman who says her two best friends turned on her and beat her for nearly two hours.

“She grabbed me off the couch and started hitting me,” said Myriah Pointer, 23.

Pointer was still bruised on Thursday, and she said she was still shaken from what happened to her last Saturday night. She says what started as a night of drinking with her two best friends turned into a nightmare.

She says her friends started beating her after she accidentally sat on one of the girls’ hamburgers.

“They held me down,” she said. “Took turns; stomped my face in – did all kinds of things.”

She says the beatings went on for two hours as she went in and out of consciousness.

Note the article says the victim sat on one of the girl’s hamburgerS. Not just one burger. Nope. More than one. Maybe three or four, who really knows?

A good rule of thumb is that if you are drinking with a woman, and the time comes for a snack, and the woman orders multiple burgers, excuse yourself and get the hell out of Dodge quick-smart.

It may very well be, considering the women are multiple burger eaters, that the women that laid the beatings on this poor girl weren’t so much punching the hell out of her as much as they were tenderizing her. For all we know, the poor girl was the next course.

Police are still looking into laying charges, and rumour has it that one of the girls has previously been charged with burgerlery.

Make Mine A Combo

Tuesday, February 10th, 2015

Street artist *Combo* was attacked by inner-city disenfranchised youth (who are still reeling from the effects of colonialism in Africa….oops, wrong disenfranchised street yoots) after he was told to take down his offensive *art*:

It seems like something one would be hard pressed to disagree with: the word “coexist,” written on a wall using a Muslim crescent as the letter “C,” a Star of David as the letter “X,” and a Christian cross as a “T.”

But in Paris, this particular iteration of the popular inscription—here, created by the street artist Combo, who also pasted a life-size photo of himself next to it—didn’t go down well with everybody. Le Monde reports that four young people asked the artist to remove it last weekend, and beat him up severely when he refused to do so.

Combo ended up with a dislocated shoulder and many bruises.

Ironically, the *artists* name is Combo, and the injuries he sustained are actually known as an *inner-city combo*. Although, the combo he received is actually called a Combo #3. A Combo #1 would have entailed a broken spleen, ruptured abdomen, and a broken ankle. Combo #2 would have involved two broken legs, a slit throat, and an ole fashioned beheading. So in a way Combo was lucky he didn’t get supersized, or we’d be reading about him in the obits.

If you are in a French slum and are graffiti-ing a wall, and four yoots tell you to remove it, don’t try to be a hero, do as they say and live to art another day. Coexist graffiti is not made for the walls of French slums, it is solely for the purpose of being stuck on the bumper of Prius owning old liberal hag women and effeminate middle aged men.

The Mayor has only had one bumper sticker in his life and it is as relevant now as it was when it first adorned his 1982 AMC Eagle – “Ass, Gas, or Grass – Nobody Rides For Free”.

Dumb Couple Do Dumb Stuff – And Make The News

Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

The dumb just won’t go away, it breeds and breeds and breeds and breeds…

A B.C. couple are speaking out about how they feel they were misled into a 25 per cent vehicle loan from TD, which has left them paying more than double the price of their car.

“We’re paying $21,000 for the loan — then $23,000 in interest,” said Angie Hauser of Kelowna. “They’re making money off of people who have no money.”

No money, yet still had the good sense to buy a NEW CAR. No money, and judging by this article, no reading skills either, because if they did they could have read the details of the loan and simply not signed. But then if they hadn’t signed the loan, they would have had to buy a used car that was more affordable to them. And ya can’t have that. Nope, must have the bestest of the bestest. No crappy used car for these MENSA-heads, no sirree.

“It’s been more than 30 months. We never missed a payment, and we still have the same car and we still have the same high interest,” said Gamarra.

That’s the tricky thing about loans, when you sign them, and the paperwork clearly states 25% interest for five years, after three years the interest rate will remain the same. The same interest rate will be applied after four years, and still applied after 4 years and 11 months. When the term of the load is expired, there will be no interest left to be paid. Then the Flintstones will own their car outright.

And that folks, is how a simply-as-shit loan works.

“We’ve been robbed by a bank with the help of a car dealer. I mean, that’s the only way I see it,” said her husband Enzo Gamarra.

Nope, Enzo, the bank didn’t rob you, it was our Lord and Savior that robbed you. He robbed you of any functional brain cells, and instead of leaving a brain inside your melon-like head, he took a giant, smelly dump in there. And that’s why you are, no doubt, referred to as shit-for-brains wherever you go.

Why the CBC is running with this stupid article is anyone’s guess, but most likely they’re doing this because they’re slowly running our of poorly written Rob Ford articles. Hey, have you heard, Rob Ford smoked crack? Ya, I read about that yesterday on the CBC website. Ya, it was just below the 10 part exclusive series on how Mike Harris destroyed Ontario.

Oh Lawd

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

Posted from her Obamaphone, no doubt.

A Golden (Shower) Girl

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012

Mary – having golden coloured urine is a sign of a healthy urinary track as well as a healthy body. Drinking plenty of water, as it seems you are doing, flushes out your system of any nasty toxins. You’re on the right track, Mary, keep drinking plenty of water and lay off the dog food. Well, you ARE old, so it’s a given you eat kibble and bits and kibble and bits – you gonna get you some kibble and bits.

Haha, old people, they’re just like animals.

Ize Not Just Gonna Learn To Walks, Ize Gonna Learns To Runs!

Wednesday, June 20th, 2012

After a little bit of controversy regarding their new “chain and shackle” shoes, ADIDAS has apologized to those offended, and will not bring them to market:

Shoe company Adidas has cancelled its new controversial sneaker before it even hit the shelves.

The JS Roundhouse Mid shoes, which feature a bright orange chain and ankle strap, came under fierce criticism with people likening the features to slave chains and prison shackles.

Adidas also apologized if people were offended even though they said the sneakers weren’t meant to be a symbol of oppression.

Halfway through the article, it dawned on The Mayor that the reason there aren’t many African Canadians© living in our northern communities has less to do with the cold weather and horrible winter conditions, but because they can’t handle seeing chains on tires when it snows.

ADIDAS did the right thing by canceling the slavery shoe. There are certain things that are accepted in the US and certain things that are taboo. A urine soaked Jesus floating in a jar of piss is ok, an undeclared race war which blacks are slaughtering whites seems to be just fine, an even having a president giving the go-ahead to ship guns to Mexican drug cartels, only to have those same guns used in deadly crimes against US citizens seems cricket – but chains on shoes?What are you, a plantation owner or something?

It is obvious that race is still an issue that Americans need to address. And the best way to address the race issue are though threats, sanctions, and boycotts. Slaves probably didn’t wear shoes, but yet the ADIDAS shoe is canceled because an actual chain invokes imaginary images of slavery. Cancel the shoe. With that kind of logic, Americans may want to get rid of their cotton fields.

If ADIDAS wanted this idea to work, they would have changed the name of the shoe from “chain and shackle” to the Gladiator shoe. Heck, Gladiators were slaves, too.

Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen….

Hallelujah

Monday, May 14th, 2012

The Lord sure works in mysterious ways, but never as mysterious as the way M’Bombo works.

Man Arrested For Daughter’s Picture Of Him With Gun

Saturday, March 3rd, 2012

A Kitchener man was arrested and thrown in jail (among other indignities), after his daughter drew a picture of a gun and told her teacher that it was her father using a gun against “bad guys and monsters.”

On Wednesday, Sansone arrived at his children’s’ school to pick them up. He was asked to step inside and meet with the principal. In the principal’s office, Sansone was met by three Waterloo Regional Police officers and immediately arrested. He was taken to a nearby station, strip searched and locked in a cell. His wife was also summoned to the station, and their children taken by Family and Children’s Services. At no point were they told why this was happening. It was not until officers had told Sansone that he’d be held in custody overnight before a bail hearing in the morning that his lawyer was finally able to tell Sansone that he had been arrested for possession of a firearm.

After hours in custody, during which time Sansone understandably became alarmed, he was suddenly released, without charges or conditions. A detective with the Waterloo Regional Police service apologized to Sansone, and explained that the entire sequence of events had been set in motion because a teacher at the school became alarmed when his four-year-old daughter drew a gun and said the picture was of her father. The teacher then noticed Family Services, who decided that the police needed to be involved, telling the police that they had reason to believe that there was a gun in Sansone’s home that his children had access to. That is what led Waterloo’s finest to bust Sansone in front of the entire school, strip him naked, confine him in a cell, bring his wife to a police station and take away their children.

That sounds bad, but it’s actually worse even than that. The drawing that set all this off was a drawing of Sansone being a good guy — according to what his daughter told her kindergarten teacher, the picture was off her daddy using a gun against “bad guys and monsters.”

Protecting her, in other words. It was essentially a comic strip with her father in the role of the hero.

A big thank you has to go out to the teacher, principal, school board, Family Services, and the entire Waterloo police force for throwing discretion aside and stopping a potentially dangerous incident from happening. Without them, things could have really gotten out of hand.

Stopping pre-crime is the duty of all Canadians. You never know what some people might do, so it’s best to arrest them and throw them in jail just in case they might possibly be thinking of doing something. It’s like arresting the guy sleeping off his drunk in his car. He was smart enough not to drive, but if caught sleeping in his car, he will be arrested for impaired driving. Get the nasty pre-crimers off the street. No crime that hasn’t been committed is a crime that potentially could be committed. Hell, we’re told that every man is a potential rapist, so it makes sense that every picture drawn of a gun by a child means the father of the student is a potential massacre-ist.

The best thing of all is that “no heads will roll” over this (The Mayor is a little nervous of the way he worded that). Everyone was *just doing their job*. The teacher saw a picture and reacted appropriately. The principal followed directives to a tee. The school board (bless their collective hearts), only did what was written on paper for them to do. Family Services maybe didn’t do enough. And the police did their usual useless job of doing nothing but throwing discretion to the wind, looking the other way, arresting an innocent man, and ignoring what’s right in order to conform to what’s wrong .

Fenris Badwulf caring person

Friday, March 2nd, 2012

I am filled with angst and tears course down my cheeks in my capacity as over paid, over pensioned, and over benefited Overgroupleader of Human Resources here in Mitchieville. Every reporting period sad tales of human degradation cross my desk; forms are filled, and government checks fly like snow from the Mount Olympus of Money, the marbled palace of the Gods of Those Who Tax and Spend. What could be sweeter to those who eat other people’s honey than to discover a new need that calls out for a new program?
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