Archive for the ‘absurd’ Category

Goodly Edumacation

Monday, February 20th, 2012

At first, The Mayor wasn’t sure why this was funny. It didn’t phase The Mayor that in Cleveland, it was completely possible that the school board would ask for a student’s “street name.” And as you can see, “Lil Tee” thought the same thing The Mayor did.

The Mayor supposes that makes him pretty street. Byotches.

Leonid Rogozov – Surgeon Extraordinaire

Monday, January 16th, 2012

Apparently this may or may not have happened:

In 1961, Leonid Rogozov, 27, was the only surgeon in the Soviet Antarctic Expedition. During the expedition, he felt severe pain in the stomach and had a high fever. Rogozov examined himself and discovered that his appendix was inflamed and could burst at any time. With a local anesthesia, he operated himself to remove the appendix. An engineer and a meteorologist assisted surgery.

Years and years ago, The Mayor watched a MASH episode on the stupid idiot tube, and it was the one where Father Mulcahy was out in the middle of nowhere in his Jeep with that big-nosed, cross-dressing reprobate, Klingon Klinger, and something or other happened and it turned out Mulcahy had to perform an emergency tracheotomy on some dude (could have been on an American GI, but most likely it was on one of those filthy commie lugan types). So Mulcahy gets on the blower and gets hold of that anti-American scumbag, Hawkeye, and he proceeds to walk the devil worshipper through the whole procedure.

But the devil worshipper doesn’t have any medical supplies, seeing as though he’s a “Priest”, and it wouldn’t have helped a lick if he rammed a Bible down the commies throat, so Mulcahy used the next best thing if you don’t have any tools and or supplies on hand – a freaking ink insert from the inside of a pen. Ya.

So Mulcahy does this and that and the next thing you know the patient was saved. Yippee!

And The Mayor didn’t buy it for a second. And the reason The Mayor didn’t buy it for a second wasn’t because Mulcahy wasn’t a surgeon, but because Mulcahy was Catholic.

That’s right, The Mayor’s religious bigotry kept him from believing that a Catholic could ever perform an emergency operation. That may sound harsh, but reality has shown The Mayor time and time again that Catholics are shitty surgeons. Get The Mayor a good ole Jew surgeon and sure, he’ll believe it. But a Catholic? Sorry, but the bullshit train aint leavin’ that station.

And that goes doubly for that commie guy in the picture above. It looks like something is going on, but if it’s a commie, you can be rest assured he aint performing surgery on himself, most likely he’s raping a rooster, or cutting open a rats head and devouring its contents.

DeShawn Really Loved His Playstation

Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

Had this happened in Canada, you can be rest assured we would have had a Claw Hammer Registry© up and running within the week.

Salt – So Very Good For You

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012

How many times have you read an article that told you a certain food or activity was bad for you, only to read an article years later telling you that previous warnings regarding that food or activity was nothing more than a bunch of crap? Lots, The Mayor is sure. The same goes for salt: governments everywhere have started to place restrictions on how much salt can be added to foods, telling us how bad salt is for our health – but is this true?

The six peer-reviewed medical studies documented:

Type 1 Diabetes risk: In a study of patients with type 1 diabetes, low sodium intake was associated with renal disease and premature death.

Type 2 Diabetes risk: In an Australian study of type 2 diabetes patients, lower sodium was associated with increased risk of death from cardiovascular disease.

No benefit to salt reduction: A study published in the American Journal of Hypertension showed eating less salt will not prevent heart attacks, strokes or early death. On the contrary, low-sodium diets increase the likelihood of premature death.

Risk of death: A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association concluded that lower salt intakes resulted in higher death rates.

Other negative effects of low-salt intakes: An analysis published in the American Journal of Hypertension showed individuals placed on the U.S. Dietary Guidelines-recommended salt levels experienced significant increases in cholesterol and other risk factors for diabetes and cardiovascular disease.

Risk with current U.S. Dietary Guidelines: An analysis published in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that people who ate salt at the levels recommended by the U.S. government were at greater risk of cardiovascular events.

Although The Mayor is a huge proponent of a bloated, inefficient government that overreaches its mandate in every possible way, he does wonder how it is possible for government to be on the wrong side of every issue every single time. Not even the broken clock theory is on the government’s side. You can always be rest assured that whatever the government says is true, is false. Whatever they say is right, is wrong. Whatever they say to do, run the hell away in the opposite direction as fast as you can.

But what ends up happening is that all the government programs that are “for the children”, always turn out to be an invasive cancer on its citizens. Look at what has happened with salt, for instance. A few years back you started to hear rumblings about how bad salt was for you. At first you would hear the odd story about how “a new study indicates salt may actually be bad for you…”. Then all of a sudden things started to ramp up. Government officials started to appear on the idiot tube telling us that the government has to start a program to educate people on the evils of salt. All of a sudden school cafeterias became the government playground. They started telling schools how much salt can go into each dish, and what foods had to be eliminated (for the children, dontchaknow). When good people said nothing (as is always the case), these power-hungry arseholes ramped it up.

Next the government went after the fast food restaurants, telling them what they should and shouldn’t have on their menus. How dare McDonald’s offer a food with 85% of the daily sodium allowance? This cannot be tolerated, things must change…for the children. Next, the mayor of NY mandated how much salt can be used in each meal in NY restaurants. Imagine, the government telling restaurants how to cook. But no one said a thing…because this was all for the children.

And finally, some fat ass president’s wife whose favourite food is chicken wings and chocolate covered bacon caramel cashews has the nerve to tell American’s they need to make more responsible food choices. A woman with an ass the size of a Mack truck tire telling folks that THEY need to control what they eat. Actually, what she said is that RESTAURANTS need to do a better job at what they put on their menu. Meaning, if they don’t comply to the letter of what the government is saying, the government will see to it that they do.

And that’s how it all started. And now salt is evil. Even though it’s great. And now we get to eat bland, tasteless food. And now our kids have their cafeteria filled with tofu and other inedible garbage, and now our choices have been taken away by power-hungry idiots whose only wish is to control every aspect of our lives.

That’s why the advocates of anti-salt and their dirty ilk need to be shouted down and ridiculed. They need to have their jobs and livelihood threatened, just like they do to the people that oppose them. That would be us. Or at least me. Take these vermin on, never let them away with even an inch, because we all know what they’ll do if they get it.

The How Do Gardener

Amish Gone Wild

Saturday, October 15th, 2011

Those Amish and their whacky ways:

BERGHOLZ, Ohio – The leader of a breakaway Amish group said an attack on fellow Amish in which a man’s beard was cut off was a religious issue stemming from long-standing resentment of his group’s treatment.

Sam Mullet, 66, said the goal was to send a message to Amish in Holmes County that they should be ashamed of themselves for the way they were treating Mullet and his community.

“We’d like to get up in the morning, be left alone, live like normal people,” Mullet said Monday. “They won’t leave us be.”

Mullet said he didn’t order the hair-cutting but didn’t stop two of his sons and another man from carrying it out last week on a 74-year-old man in his home in rural eastern Ohio.

“I didn’t order anything like that,” he said, and added: “I didn’t tell them not to, I’m still not going to tell them not to.”

Is The Mayor to believe the mastermind behind this heinous crime, the man who cut off the beard of a fellow Amish, is named Mullet? That’s like having a dentist named Chew, or the guy that cuts your hair to be named Barber. Or, having a urologist with the name of Penis.

The Mayor could go on and on, but that Penis joke was the perfect ending for a rather amazing post.

That’s A Little Disappointing

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

Honestly, The Mayor thought she’d be a girl that shaved.

Fear Not

Thursday, May 12th, 2011

There’s more of a chance that a Soviet satellite will fall into her tea cup while she sips English Breakfast with the Queen of England, than there is of her being anorexic. Unless someone changed the definition of anorexic to mean fat, or something. The only thing anorexic on that broad is her brain.

Words Clyde Millman Says

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

As Al Bundy once said, “Women, can’t live with ‘em, pass me the pretzels.”

Anyone For a Game?

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011

The Green Urban Green Trader

Monday, March 21st, 2011

A good Dog pelt can fetch you $35 if you know where to take them; that is, the Black Market. Maybe it is time you cashed in on diversity and made some cash in these tough times by being multi-cultural. The whole story of Canada’s underground economy in furs starts with squirrels and road kill. Some of our village peoples celebrate a diversity of attitudes towards road kill; infact, they eat road kill; and to get to the eating, there has to be a gathering, surely as spending follows taxes. Then came the merchants of faux; and the first faux fur from the black market was squirrel, not polymer.


Why Aren’t The Japanese Looting?

Tuesday, March 15th, 2011

Ed West, reporter for the Telegraph asks an interesting question – Why is there no looting in Japan?

West never really does come to a conclusion, but does point out that there was some looting in Britain in 2007 during the floods in the west country where some people stole….wait for it….water (egad), there was some looting in Chile after the earthquake last year; and after Katrina there was widespread looting. Viewed through that perspective, I suppose everyone BUT the Japanese loot. The Brits (white, I suppose) are looters, Chileans (Spanish-like) are looters, and the peoples from New Orleans (possibly black) are looters.

Looting is looting, I guess Ed is saying. The Brits stole water, the Chileans stole water and food, and the residents of New Orleans stole just the bare neccesities in order to stay alive. Although what was looted was different in one out of those three examples, I suppose Ed is looking for confirmation that it doesn’t matter what skin tone you have, EVERYONE is a looter after a disaster. Or something like that.

Except for the Japanese.

Mind you, I’m wondering how many people were raped and shot to death after the flooding in west country or the quake in Chile last year? Probably the same amount of people that were raped and shot to death in New Orleans after Katrina. After all, that type of behaviour has nothing to do with skin type. Just like looting.

I guess if we have to draw any conclusions from Ed’s inconclusive conclusions, it’s that whether you steal a bottle of water to stay alive or whether you steal a big screen tv then rape your neighbour, a looter is a looter and we are all the same regardless of skin colour.

Except for the Japanese.


Gruesome Discovery Found In England

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

Ol Remus had the following article described to him as “shocking.” The Mayor agrees:

A STARTLED man has told how he found a bullet lying in a York city-centre street.

Tim Stark said he was unloading items into the MOR Music store where he works in Fossgate yesterday morning when he spotted what he believed to be a live .22 bullet gleaming in a puddle.

He said he immediately called police, who came and took it away.

“I have no idea what it was doing there,” he said.

A North Yorkshire Police spokesman said the bullet had been put into safe storage, and CID had confirmed it was not thought to be connected with any incident currently under investigation.

He asked anyone with any information about the bullet and how it came to be in Fossgate to phone the force on 0845 60 60 47.

This story troubles The Mayor so much because it reminds him of another shocking story that took place not long ago in SE Mitchieville. TLDG and The Mayor were in the Yarn Barn looking for fabric to cover our sofa pillows, when The Mayor looked at the floor and spotted a sewing needle. Not unlike Tim Stark of the above article, The Mayor was startled. He started trembling, he shook more than a fat broad running for the last cheese doodle at an all-you-can-eat restaurant.

The Mayor wasn’t sure what to do, so he took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, and found some composure. I asked the assistant to the assistant manager to procure some bright yellow tape. Since there was no yellow tape around, she ripped up 20 feet of a lovely canary poly-cotton blend ($1.99 a ft all this week!). I secured the area, called 911 and closed the yarn barn – letting no one in and no one out.

CSI arrived within minutes and initiated a full crime scene. There were literally hundreds of detectives there – searching, investigating, taking names and numbers, taking prints and DNA samples, checking security cameras, and looking at all the fantastic Yarn Barn deals (now open ’till 9pm on Saturdays).

When all was said and done, after the seventeen weeks of detective work finished, the police concluded that someone who was in the Yard Barn that day dropped that sewing needle.

Can you imagine? They DROPPED it!

The horrors!

I guess you could say The Mayor is a hero. A crisis was adverted and The Mayor was the reason for it.

Mitchieville is a better place now, even though the mystery of the dropped sewing needle was never solved.