Archive for the ‘amateurs’ Category

Bloomberg Turns into Humor Magazine

Friday, February 27th, 2009

Who would have imagined that reading the financial news would turn into a great way to start your day off with a belly laugh?

President Barack Obama’s first budget request would provide as much as $750 billion in new aid to the financial industry, as it lays plans to overhaul the U.S. health-care system and raise taxes on the wealthy.

The spending blueprint, sent to Congress today, forecasts record outlays for the current fiscal year of $3.94 trillion, up 32 percent from a year ago. That would yield a record deficit of $1.75 trillion in the year ending Sept. 30, equal to about 12 percent of the nation’s gross domestic product, the highest since World War II.

“It’s only by restoring fiscal discipline” that the U.S. can produce growth and prosperity “over the long run,” Obama said today. “That means cutting what we don’t need” to pay for necessary programs.

The person who wrote this is either a complete idiot or has one of the most sharply honed senses of irony across the internet. The man who proposes a deficit of monumental proportions is then quoted as talking about “fiscal responsibility” without the least indication that there’s a bit of a disconnect here. Comedy gold.
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Crime Doesn’t Pay

Monday, February 16th, 2009

This morning, Mrs. Söze asked if a location was nearby, and Keyser replied that it was about eight blocks away. Turns out something bad had happened there, as Mrs. S. had learned on the radio.

Apparently, a car was stolen in Saskatchewan, and its GPS finked to the local police here in Alberta that it was on a big street close to us. (One wonders what the GPS had been doing in the interim. Perhaps the car wasn’t reported as stolen for a while.) The cops went up to the car, which proceeded to speed off at high speed. It dinged a Cadillac, and this is the result (the Caddy’s off to the left):


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Ode to Winter

Monday, February 16th, 2009

As winter grinds on relentlessly on the barren plains of western Canada, the following haiku seems to capture the mood effectively:

Here in Edmonton
summer is beautiful but
winter never ends.

Ain’t that the truth!

[A ratty-looking guy pushing around a shopping cart with far too much in it was heard muttering this poem over at Keyser's Lair.]

O. Henry Updated

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Keyser’s pretty sure it’s obligatory for every North American high school student to read the O. Henry short story “The Gift of the Magi.” In case you’ve forgotten, it’s a heart-warming saga of a poor couple at Christmas time. The wife’s got nice long hair, so hubby wants to buy her a fancy comb set. Having no money (on account of being poor), he goes and sells his fancy pocket watch to buy the comb set (though Keyser always wondered what he was going with such a thing if they’re that poor). Wifey, on the other hand, goes and has her hair lopped off to buy a fancy chain for the watch (used to be that nice hair was more valuable or at least gold chains cheaper back then). Must have been a humdinger of a Christmas, no? (“Now what in the fuck do we do?” “We could brush the chain with the comb.” “Oh, shut up.”)

Cue to modern update: (more…)

Ever Wonder What it Would Be Like to Be Groped by a Paraplegic?

Thursday, January 1st, 2009

Cat and parrot

[This public service announcement was issued by the Health and Human Resources Department over at Keyser's Lair, where your Safety and Well-being is Quantifiable Indicator of Quality Output Numero Uno.]

Triumph of the Human Spirit: Armless Edition

Wednesday, December 10th, 2008

Well, if they take students at flying school who don’t want to learn how to take off or land, just how to hold a steady course in the direction of tall, thin objects, then why not pilots without arms: (more…)

Asshole of the Day: George Will

Thursday, October 30th, 2008


George Will the Third, that pretentious twit with the twee little bow ties, is among the crowd of Palin haters. This quasi-Republican is spending the last days of the campaign slagging the Republican ticket, with that smug “I’m smarter than you but I’ll talk in comparatively small syllables so cretins like you can see how much smarter I am than you” tone of his: (more…)

“Have a bite. The serpent says it’s okay.”

Monday, October 20th, 2008

Keyser Pretends to Be Joe the Plumber

Saturday, October 18th, 2008


Our friend Iowahawk is offended by the colonoscopy shoved up “Joe the Plumber’s” ass by the “commentariat”:

We’ve all witnessed a lot of insanity in American politics over the last few years. Up until the last few days, none of it has seriously bothered me; hey, just more grist for the satire mill. But after witnessing the media’s blitzkreig on Joe ‘the Plumber’ Wurzelbacher, I can only muster anger, and no small amount of fear.
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Is it just Keyser…

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

…or is that one goddamned ugly model?

Apart from anything else, learn not to smear lipstick all over your face!

The Irrelevance of Modern Art and Aliza Shvarts

Monday, April 21st, 2008

The world of art has long been so irrelevant that it regularly resorts to shock theater. Sadly, legitimate and talented artists toil in obscurity while juvenile hacks are elevated to national attention.

A famous example of such faux-art is “Piss Christ” by Catholic and photographer Andres Serrano. Serrano, who was the recipient of a grant by the U.S. National Endowment for the Humanities (also known as “the American taxpayer”), depicted a small plastic crucifix submerged in a glass of his urine. As planned, the “Piss Christ” image stirred much controversy.

Piss Christ

Serrano’s work confirmed one of the most reliable rules in the art world: if you lack talent and are desperate for immediate publicity, insult Catholicism.

Another artist utilizing shock sans substance is Karen Finley. The “performance artist” has “smeared herself with chocolate, painted with her own breast milk, [and] put Winnie the Pooh in S&M gear…”

(Which must have thrilled the suits at Disney.)

Karen Finley

In contrast to Serrano’s success at the public trough, Finley’s application for the National Endowment for the Arts was rejected. As is common among liberals who feel entitled to government funds, Finley threw a hissy fit and sued the government. Due to the free speech/1st Amendment ramifications involved, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to hear the case, National Endowment for the Arts v. Finley, in 1998. By a razor-thin margin, Finley lost 8-1. Conservative Justice Antonin Scalia, in a concurring opinion, interpreted the relevant law plainly by declaring that “decency and respect are to be taken into account in evaluating applications.”

Little surprise that Finley sued considering that liberals accept no objective standard for decency (except that there is no objective standard).

Which brings us to the latest court jester in the art world: Aliza Shvarts. A Yale art student, Ms. Shvarts, whose last name could only have led to years of therapy, has stirred controversy with her most recent work.

A Yale University student’s senior art project, which she said documented her bleeding during repeated self-induced abortions, sparked a protest on campus, an outcry on the Internet and debates over morality, medicine, art and academia.

And — it was all faked. Senior Aliza Shvarts told Yale officials Thursday that she didn’t get pregnant and didn’t have abortions. [...]

Shvarts told classmates that she had herself artificially inseminated as often as possible for much of this past year, then took legal, herbal abortifacient drugs and filmed herself in her bathtub cramping and bleeding from the miscarriages. She said her work will include video, a sculpture incorporating her blood mixed with Vaseline wrapped in plastic, and a spoken piece describing what she had done.

[She] told the Yale Daily News that she wanted to provoke debate about the relationship between art and the human body but that the intention of the piece was not to scandalize anyone.

Indeed, who could possibly be scandalized by filming do-it-yourself abortions?

aliza-shvarts-jackass

Aliza Shvarts

“Provoking debate” is the convenient shibboleth of those who are caught committing acts of gross idiocy. Apparently as long as society is forced to jabber about something, the underlying controversy, filming your faked abortions and expecting people to believe that it’s art, is somehow justified.

Shvarts’s art (“Shv_art”?) has created an outcry (and rightly so), but the project shouldn’t surprise anyone. Faked or not, Shvarts’s hideous brain child is the logical and natural result of decades of policies and laws which debase abortion to a common surgery with little or no moral ramification. In such an environment, a faked abortion is a mundane enough act to be worthy of filming and exposition. If you are offended, well, Shvarts merely intended to provoke debate.

As one of the premier and selective universities on the planet (charging around $45,000 USD a year), it would be reasonable to expect the art from any Yale student should reflect some maturity and talent. Apart from the her shameless dishonesty, Shvarts lacked taste, talent and judgment.

So she’d certainly fit in the art world.

~ Sisyphus, cross-posted at The Sisyphus Files.