Archive for the ‘Angelina Jolie’ Category

Angelina Jolie – Time Waits For No Woman

Friday, September 10th, 2010

To be perfectly honest, I admire any woman that can twist her neck around like Linda Blair did in the exorcist. There’s something mighty compelling about that.

From the look of things, Angelina Joile has seen better days. Like this day, or this day, and especially THAT day. But today? Well, today is a different day entirely. Today, Angelina Jolie has the face of a bulldog that just licked the piss off a nettle.

Everybody Loves A Parade

Monday, April 26th, 2010

Rows and rows of ducks march by,

Why aint these ducks no fly, no fly?

There gots to be a reason why,

Maybe the black cloud of death is in the sky.

The ducks they march upon the ground,

And pooping is the only sound,

Some ducks are skinny, some are round.

In my dogs mouth two ducks I found.

The ducks they gots no place to go,

Yet here they march row after row.

This duck parade is quite a show,

Wish you were here, my little bro!

Angelina Jolie Is Repetitive

Tuesday, December 11th, 2007

In an interview with Look Magazine, Angelina Jolie admits that she thinks her biological child, Shiloh, is the outcast of her family:

“She looks like Brad. It’s funny because she’s almost going to be the outcast in the family because she’s blond and blue-eyed.”

Jolie also admitted she would have been happy not to have a biological child.

The crazy bitch then goes on to say:

“I felt so much more for Madd, Zahara and Pax because they were survivors.

“Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born.

“But I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.”

It’s too bad for Angelina that she can’t just bury that little blue eyed devil in the backyard and solve all her terrible problems.

This isn’t the first time Angelina has crapped all over her blond hair, blue eyed problem:

Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her…I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this…Yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality…I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.

Wait a second, where have I seen those words before? Oh, right, on a Mitchieville post last January. Don’t you remember? Sure you do, it’s right here.

I’ve finally figured out what the hell is going on: Angelina Jolie is actually a random word generator cyborg. I knew she wasn’t real, I just had a feeling about it. That changes a lot of things, like, I will never masturbate to her image again. Starting tomorrow.

Angelina Jolie Ate No Fat

Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007

If you’re wondering what happened to Angelina Jolie, wonder no more, she’s on a hunger strike. Unfortunately for her, she’s striking against food, and that’s pretty much an unwinnable battle. If Angelina doesn’t gain some weight quickly, some Ethiopian is going to adopt her. Just think, for only pennies a day you can have your very own female version of Skelator.

Angelina Jolie Freaks Out

Monday, April 9th, 2007

Jennifer Aniston sent Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt some books, games and a congratulatory card to celebrate the adoption of their new child. Angelina reacted the way any normal person would react by throwing all of it in the trash can:

Angie didn’t approve of it at all,” a source told the mag.

Apparently, Brad wasn’t too happy with his girlfriend’s hostile reaction, especially since Jolie’s ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton recently revealed that he still chats with the brunette beauty on a regular basis.

I can’t figure out the reason why Angelina would react like this, it’s not as if she could be jealous of Jennifer. That’s insane to even think it. Angelina Jolie being jealous of Jennifer Aniston is like Angelina Jolie being jealous of Jennifer Aniston. Excuse me, I couldn’t think of a more ridiculous analogy.

Angelina Jolie Calls Her New Born Baby a *Blob*

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

Angelina Jolie had some pretty bizarre comments about her new born baby, Shiloh:

“I think I feel so much more for Madd and Zee because they’re survivors, they came through so much,” Jolie says in the new issue of U.K. Elle.

“Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her…I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this…Yes, a blob! But now she’s starting to have a personality…I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.”

I’m with Angelina on this one, privileged kids should be ignored, scorned and ridiculed. There should never be any love given to a child born of privilege, only resentment and hate. Boo rich kids, hooray poor kids.

Not only was Shiloh born a privileged baby, the kid was also born with all that disgusting and hideous white skin. Angelina would be wise to darken that child’s skin up, lest folk start saying her baby was born of privilege. And we can’t have that, can we?

Best thing Angelina can do now is to put that white, filthy rich white child up for adoption, and immediately go to some foreign land and get a fresh, new, non-white baby that’s chock full ‘o personality.

Baby momma has a blob for a baby.

Angelina Jolie Wants More Children

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

Angelina Jolie is so happy right now that she says she wants more children:

“I’d like to add many more children and many more obstacles and many more things to my life.”

Angelina is going to need more kids soon, as that child who has the death grip on that white kid looks to be seconds away from freaking out and murdering the whole tribe.

Take a look at the face on that rebel, I’ve seen happier mugs on the priests at an exorcism. I’m telling you right now that Brad isn’t about to read to those kids, he’s getting closer to that book on the ground because he knows that any minute he’s going to have to use it as a weapon to beat that nasty looking devil into a bloody pulp when it tries to suck the blood from the blonde kids head. The first thing Angelina and Brad should teach that white kid to say is, “I’m sorry master, your wish is my command, please don’t kill me”. Angelina is so busy trying to build a United Nations from the ground up that she’s missing the impending genocide that psycho boy is about to inflict on her family. And when that happens I’m going to be right there saying, “I told you so, yup, I suuuuure did”.

For fuck sakes, Angelina, adopt a dog

Angelina Jolie is an Indian Giver

Monday, October 30th, 2006

Not long after donating 1.5 million to a Cambodian non-profit group, Angelina Jolie has decided to withdraw the aid:

The money for Jolie’s project dubbed the “Maddox Jolie Project” in honor of the son she adopted from Cambodia is to create programs for villagers dwelling in the forest, so they can rely less on logging to make a living.

“I am accusing her of violating the agreement under which she agreed to provide funds to CVD,” Mounh Sarath said. “The more than $1 million she has promised has never arrived.”

He said Jolie cut off funding and ended cooperation with his group in December last year without explanation. He and his staff have also been barred from using the project’s facilities, which Jolie’s lawyers have claimed is her private property, he said.

Baby snatchers are notoriously bad at paying off their debts, that’s a fact.

Take a look at Madonna’s case, for instance. She recently stole a black baby from Africa (for spare parts) and smuggled it to England. Madonna also promised tens of millions of dollars for charity work throughout the country. There is no doubt in my mind that within a few years, Madonna will have Malawi carpet-bombed simply to relieve her from having to pay back a few shekels of debt.

Angelina is no different. Have a look at this quote from one of her dozens of lawyers:

Jolie’s lawyer, Sam Borana, confirmed that the actress has stopped providing funds to CVD, and said the project will become an independent non-governmental organization.

He said the controversy was the result of a misunderstanding on the part of Mounh Sarath.

“This is not about violation of the agreement. Ms Angelina Jolie just exercised her right to decide to stop giving the money,” he said.

I’m not sure how Angelina’s lawyer finds that this is some sort of *misunderstanding*, this seems exactly like what Mounh Sarath had to say. Mounh said, “I am accusing her of violating the agreement under which she agreed to provide funds to CVD,” Mounh Sarath said. “The more than $1 million she has promised has never arrived.

And isn’t that EXACTLY what Angelina fucking Jolie did? Yes, Mr. Mayor, that’s EXACTLY what Angelina fucking Jolie did.

No soup for you!

Pic by Use My Computer

Angelina Jolie Buys Bansky

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006

Angelina Jolie, best known for adopting babies from *scratch and dent baby sales* (there are always terrific bargains there), has now adopted some Bansky paintings to the tune of $400,000. Here are some of the gems Angelina purchased:

A $75,000 purchase – a white bust with a bleeding bullet hole in the forehead – was a particular favorite of Jolie’s. “She went nuts for that one,” an onlooker told the mag. “She told [her baby daddy], ‘I must have that one.’”

For another cool $75,000, she picked up a portrait of a man hit in the head with a custard pie.

Classics, every last one of them. However, the biggest purchase has some not-so-subtle underpinnings:

A $226,000 painting – titled “Picnic” – depicts a white family of four merrily lunching under an umbrella on a red checked blanket while 15 starving Africans – including several children with distended bellies – look on.

Yes, I get it now, Angelina, white people are shit.

Finally I understand the two things in life that will get me a seat at any Angelina Jolie dinner party: White people are savage assholes that love to see brown people suffer, and, one day we will all be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

Where was Brad *yes dear, yes dear, three fucking bags full dear* Pitt when all this was going down, you ask? Most likely cowering in the corner of the art gallery repairing his bleeding back from the intense pussy whipping his insane bitch of a girlfriend gave him.

Angelina Jolie, the world’s most beautiful demented head

A Use My Computer pic

Angelina Jolie is a Tigress!

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006

These days in entertainment it seems that if your name starts with an “A” and ends
with a “Jolie” then the press will report on anything and everything you do. I am surprised we don’t hear about every time Angelina takes a pee. I can see the tabloids now, “Angelina Jolie urinated 6 times today, could she have a possible bladder infection or did she just drink too much, stay tuned for further pee breaks.”

Angelina Jolie is now going to be the voice of a tigress in a new Kung Fu, martial arts movie.

Angelina Jolie voiced a femme fatale fish in 2004’s “Shark Tale.” Now, she’ll portray a martial-arts master in the computer-animated comedy “Kung Fu Panda.”

So she is going to be this high-kicking tigress;
I wonder if the Kung Fu tigress will have enormous lips that only match the script after a 3 second delay.
I wonder if she will slink around purring and seek out the most beautiful tiger in the forest to seduce away from his mate and have perfect babies with.
I wonder if she will attempt to adopt all the homeless animals in the jungle by the end of the movie.
But alas, these questions can only be answered once the movie comes out, I guess we shall wait and see…

Jolie, You Tiger You!

Reported by Secret Agent Nikita

Angelina Jolie Squirts out a Baby

Sunday, May 28th, 2006

The strange part is, I never even heard she was pregnant:

“The night of May 27, 2006 in Namibia, Africa, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt welcomed their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. No further information is being given,” publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a statement.

Mother and baby are doing fine, while Pitt is still recovering from the whip marks he’s gotten over the last year or so.

I suppose of all the names to choose, Shiloh Nouvel isn’t the worst. It’s a Hebrew name, Shiloh meaning “From a mother who is mentally unstable”, and Nouvel, meaning, “From a father who’s completely pussy whipped”.

I’d pay $600 to see her stretch marks

Angelina Jolie-The Most Beautiful Person in the World

Friday, April 28th, 2006

People’s top 100 Most Beautiful People have been named, and featured at the top is no other than Angelina Jolie. That’s pretty safe.

Jessica Alba is #2, some dick named Isaiah Washington is #3, and get this, uber-slut, Eva Longoria is #4. I guess this clinches it: Every top 100 or top 10 beautiful list, other than The Mayor’s, is complete bullshit.

Picking Angelina is fine, it’s hard to dispute what a complete beauty she is. But Eva Longoria at #4? That wrinkled old hag has a face like a baboons ass for Christ’s sake. Everyone saw that picture I posted a few months back, she has a freakin’ dick for crying out loud.

Another sick cock, Terrance Howard, who, I will admit, I have never heard of before in my life, is describes thusly:

Regular manicures plus spa weekends “with a number of massages. That’s when I allow myself to be high-maintenance.”

Real men don’t get manicures and massages, real men get rub and tugs. Any guy that gets a manicure isn’t beautiful, he’s fabulous. That’s a big difference, and you know exactly what I’m saying.

Don’t pay any attention to People’s magazine, the only folks left on this earth that read that shitty rag are old, blue headed hags who go to shopping malls at 9:30 every morning and complain that their bagel’s aren’t fresh.

I’m telling you right now, next week I’m going to unleash a list that will make you squirt buckets.