Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category
Fido lashes out and humps because he had such a horrific family upbringing. His momma was a royal bitch, while his father was what is known in the canine world as a “hump & goer.” Sort of like Bill Clinton with a tail (not a piece of tail, but an actual, physical tail).
Fido grew up on his own, and isn’t looking for a hand out, he’s looking for a hand-up. Don’t judge Fido, that’s the last thing he needs. Send him money. Via the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence.
The Mayor insists, you try it first. No, no, no, please, you go ahead. Your inflammatory bowel disease is far worse than The Mayor’s, so get those parasites into you. The Mayor isn’t suffering from a bleeding rectum and projectile diarrhea like you are, so he’d like you to try the parasite treatment first. After you’re finished, let The Mayor know what it’s like to have parasitic worms crawling around your rectum. What, it damn near killed ‘em? Great to see you still have your sense of humour.
The hawk, or owl, or flying gopher, or whatever the hell that thing in the picture is sure looked kewl sporting a knife in its claw, and it would be a truly imposing figure if not for that fagadocious wristband on the other claw.
Let The Mayor guess, does the band say “Stop Bullying”, or “Forward”, or “Dream”?
Because if it does, there’s a good chance the flying whatever is going to go and slice its own throat.
The Mayor is pretty sure that’s where the phrase “Man, she sure has a nice set of puppies” came from.
Some folks might be looking at this and thinking there is something wrong with the lady in question. The Mayor is here to tell you that if it is true that animals are our future, then what this lady is doing is nothing short of heroic. She’s letting a pug dog breast feed right from the tap. There are groups of women from every corner of the world that do the same thing, and they are known as the “Pugly Women.” The Mayor has seen other pictures of these women, and he can tell you that yes, they are certainly pugly.
When The Mayor was 18 or 19, he had a friend who owned a pitbull. Nice enough dog, but stupid as the day is long. The dog was, the owner was slightly more intelligent. Anyway, one day The Mayor went to buddy’s place for lunch, and buddy came outside to grab something from his garage. As he came out of the garage, he slammed the door down – one of those 8 trillion pound garage doors, at the same time his pitbull decided to try to get into the garage. The door smashed the poor bastard on the head, and for a second The Mayor thought the dog was a goner. Wrong. The dog shook his head and looked up at his owner as if nothing happened. That shows the power of a pitbull’s head. You would be wise to remember this story, and for that matter, every story The Mayor has ever told. It just may save your life.
Keep in mind, to get the shot of the guy with the video camera, there had to be another guy shooting him. Most likely, there were upwards of 60 – 70 “photo journalista’s” at this particular snake dance. And considering it’s a dance, the young lad with the python around his leg doesn’t look like he’s having a jolly good time. Perhaps he doesn’t dance. Frickin’ prude.