Archive for the ‘Any last words?’ Category

The sustainable supply chain

Sunday, July 8th, 2012

The Supreme Library of Mitchieville is pleased to announce the hiring of Ernst Blofeld as Vice President, Sustainable Supply Chain Operations. Like most corporations, the Supreme Library has been under attack from leftist Environmentalist activists in attempts to reduce shareholder value, cut dividends, and increase overhead. Mitchieville, in particular, has been criticized for its lack of multi grain toilet paper, harp seal upholstery, and rainforest meat entrees in the staff cafeteria. The Mayor and management at Mitchieville are confident that Ernst Blofeld can address the issues raised by the patchouli scented left and find final solutions for them.

We are lucky to be able to add Ernst to our management team. A proven performer with his previous firm SPECTRE, with an impressive zero record of failure, Ernst brings a demonstrated selection of ‘think out side the box’ methods of solving problems, especially in dealing with fringe leftist organizations.

As a way of saying Welcome to the environmentalist activist community, Ernst will be holding a meet and greet at the Supreme Central Library of Mitchieville on Friday the Thirteenth of July. After a buffet of Green foods and hippie produced wine, Ernst will take the activists on a tour of the Organic Recycling center, the power plant, and the cardboard compactor center. Others interested in seeing how an imaginative approach can find a thousand year solution to their leftist activist problem are welcome to attend, listen, and watch.

I, Fenris Badwulf, I care.

Can’t Come Soon Enough

Sunday, January 15th, 2012

It’s usually around this point where The Mayor makes some sort of snide comment about the subject at hand, in this case the Mayans. But The Mayor doesn’t want some voodoo curse put on his head for saying something insulting about our pagan friends, so instead he’ll just giggle about how New Orleans lost to San Fran yesterday, how Pittsburgh lost to Denver last week, and how Green Bay is down 10 to those Yankee sumsabitches tonight.

As for the Mayans, top-notch peoples, The Mayor has always said.

Killing Machines

Saturday, June 11th, 2011

From Wikipedia:

The garrote particularly refers to the execution device used in Spain until as recently as 1973. In Spain, it was abolished, as well as the death penalty, in 1978 with the new constitution. Originally, it was an execution where the convict was killed by hitting him with a club (garrote in Spanish). Later, it was modified and consisted of a seat to restrain the condemned person, while the executioner tightened a metal band around his/her neck with a crank or a wheel until suffocation of the condemned person was accomplished.

Some versions of this device incorporated a fixed metal blade or spike directed at the spinal cord to hasten the breaking of the neck. Such a device can be seen in the James Bond films The World Is Not Enough, The Living Daylights, and From Russia with Love. The spiked version, called the Catalan garrote, was used as late as 1940 (as well as being used by other Spanish colonies until shortly after the 1898 Spanish-American War). American authorities chose to keep the garrote in the Philippines after that Spanish colony was captured in 1898, and its use was not abolished until 1902 (Act No. 451, passed September 2, 1902). The most notable victims of the garrote in the Philippines were the trio of native priests, the Gomburza, for their alleged participation in the Cavite Mutiny.

Sometimes the gum The Mayor is chewing gets kinda lodged in his throat and he has to cough rather harshly to loosen in up, but the garrote seems painful as well. Minus the gum, of course.

Fenris Badwulf, caring person

Sunday, January 30th, 2011

I return to my community in full measure the horse dung and spitting peasants that they force me to endure as I go about none of their business. And the best way to do that is community service, and I do mine in the for profit charity sector. I volunteer at a Suicide Distress Call-Center, of my own creation. I intervene, more efficiently, than does the clumsy, over supervised, state apparatus. And I have people of good character help me in this work. My friend Conrad helps me at the Suicide Distress Call-Center line I run as the methods seminar from intermediate fraud at the Fenris Badwulf School of Telemarketing Excellence.

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Thinking About Taking That New Job?

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

The last Assistant to the Assistant General Manager didn’t fare too well, hope your time at The Yarn Barn is a more pleasant experience.

**Little tip: compliment your boss on her tie and pant suit. She REALLY loves being complimented.

Carl Panzram – Any Last Words?

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

Here’s an interesting and true story about Carl Panzram and the 27thPresident of the United States, William Howard Taft. In 1907, Carl Panzram was spending time in Leavenworth’s Disciplinary Barracks for larceny. This was shortly after Panzram decided to join the US Army. At the time, William Taft was Secretary of War, and was the person responsible for approving Ponzram’s sentence. In 1920, Ponzram robbed Taft’s home, stealing his 45. caliber handgun, the same gun he used to kill 10 men.

Panzram was a real scumbag, here’s what he wrote in his autobiography:

In my lifetime I have murdered 21 human beings, I have committed thousands of burglaries, robberies, larcenies, arsons and, last but not least, I have committed sodomy on more than 1,000 male human beings. For all these things I am not in the least bit sorry.

If you think the courts are lenient now, even after this admission, Ponzram only got 25 years in prison.

When he was in prison, he vowed to “kill the first person who bothers me”. He kept his promise, beating a prisoner to death with a tire iron.

For that crime, he was sentenced to death. After being sentenced, he threatened to kill human rights groups that attempted to appeal on his behalf.

He was hanged in 1920. As the executioner was putting the noose around Ponzram’s neck, Ponzram spat in his face and said, “I wish all mankind had one neck so I could choke it!”.

Sounds like someone was upset at the lack of funding for the arts, or the lack of access to midnight basketball courts. If only someone had given Ponzram a big hug, that would have definitely sorted him out.

“Any Last Words?” Week

Thursday, July 8th, 2010

Here’s the interesting story of Aileen Wuornos, courtesy of Weird Worm:

Aileen Wuornos killed seven men in Florida between 1989 and 1990 while working as a prostitute. She sometimes claimed that these killings were acts of self-defense against rape, though at other times said they were not. As her execution neared, she became increasingly outraged at prison officials, citing various injustices and acts of inhumane treatment, and also said that the prison matrons wished to rape her before her execution. In her final interview, she said that her mind was being controlled by “sonic pressure” to make her appear crazy, and that she would be taken to a spaceship by angels once dead. 

Funny enough, I tend to believe her. Not just one part either, but the whole kit and kaboodle.

Who knows, I’m not sure what I’m saying any more – it’s like she has me in a trance. A trance of love, that is. Her bulging eyes, her crooked and jagged teeth, that spotty face – baby’s the real deal.

Her last words, what were her last words? Settle down, I’m getting to that right now:

“Yes, I would just like to say I’m sailing with the rock, and I’ll be back, like Independence Day with Jesus. June 6, like the movie. Big mother ship and all, I’ll be back, I’ll be back.”

Again, I have no reason to doubt her.

And I’ll be there waiting for her, like I always am. I’ll be the one in the purple striped shirt and the dirty blue jeans. I’ll be wearing sunglasses like the ones Tom Cruise wore in Top Gun. I’ll be leaning against my 1994 Honda Civic, smoking a Grape flavoured cigar and drinking a can of Fresca. And I don’t intend to sleep until she is in my arms. I’m serious. Seriously. Totally. I love her.

“Any Last Words?” Week

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

thomas j grasso

And speaking of a few bricks short of a load…

Thomas J. Grasso was executed in 1995 in Oklahoma for strangling an 87 year old woman in her home with her Christmas tree lights. He reportedly stole $12 and a cheap television set. His last meal was extravagant to say the least: two dozen steamed mussels, two dozen steamed clams, a double cheeseburger from Burger King, a half-dozen barbequed spare ribs, two large strawberry milkshakes, half a pumpkin pie, and whipped cream with dice strawberries. And one more thing: supposedly, a 16-ounce can of spaghetti with meatballs. Or, at least that’s what the prison thought. His last words suggest there was a miscommunication: “I did not get my Spaghetti-O\’s, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.”

Two dozen steamed clams and a double cheeseburger don’t mix, what is this guy, crazy?

I’d hate to the chair with an upset stomach, that would be terribly embarrassing. All the mumbling and grumbling, the urge to run to the toilet, I ask you, who needs it?

Thomas J. Grasso was just playing the system if you ask The Mayor – everyone knows Spaghetti-O’s don’t come in a 16 oz can. Hahaha – pikers!

“Any Last Words?” Week

Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

Yesterday I told you that all the convicts featured this week had passed through various Texas jails, but I’m not sticking to that, as I have found a treasure trove of impressive last words from convicts across the world. Without further adieu, here is the story of one James French:

James D. French (ca. 1936 – 10 August 1966) was an American criminal who was the last person executed under Oklahoma’s death penalty laws prior to Furman v. Georgia. He was the only prisoner executed in the United States that year.[1] Already in prison for life, but allegedly afraid to commit suicide, French murdered his cellmate, apparently to compel the state to execute him.

His final last words?

How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? French fries.

That pun alone should have been reason enough to execute him.

Actually, that “French Fries” quip is pretty funny. But the part that tickled me the most is that French was afraid to commit suicide, but had no problem offing his cellmate.

I wonder if, in French’s obviously twisted mind, he wanted to be executed not so much because he couldn’t stand life behind bars, but so he could use that “French Fries” line? You know, that kinda makes the guy infamous.

“Any Last Words?” Week

Monday, July 5th, 2010

picture of offender

Welcome to “Any Last Words?” Week. All the people you will see this week have already been through the Texas justice system; tried and convicted and put to death.

The creature before you is Christopher Coleman. Here is his story:

On December 14, 1995 in Houston, Coleman and two co-defendants murdered three men during a drug deal. Four men were shot by Coleman, but one survived to identify him as the gunman.

Race and Gender of Victims

Three Hispanic males

Date of execution

September 22, 2009

**Note – Coleman was convicted of murder, but not tried for any hate crimes. I mean, he’s black and his victims were Hispanic? Hmmmmm…..

Christopher Coleman – “Do you have any last words?”

“Yes, Ain’t no way fo’ fo’, I Love all y’all.

A man of few words, I see. Probably because he only knows a few words.

Oh well, flip the switch, grab me a bag of Doritos and let’s get this party started!

**What the dilly is that tumor looking thing of that guys head?