Today’s Hump Day Hottie comes to us courtesy of Jefferson Peak Photography.

I’m not sure what this lovely looking lady’s (alliteration) name is, but let’s call her Doris. That’s the first name that popped into my head when I saw her. Well, technically the first word that popped into my head was Slurkblub, but that wasn’t actually a word but the noise my throat made when I choked on my English Breakfast Tea.

And BTW, I’m actually drinking a generic English Breakfast tea this morning and it’s quite lovely. I’m surprised because typically I’ll have a Twining’s in the morning followed by a Tazo in the afternoon and maybe a Stash or a Williamson’s at night. But I needed some tea quick-smart the other day and the hole I was buying tea at didn’t have anything worth of spit so I had to get a no-name. And BANG!!! It turned out to be good. Small blessings, my friends, small blessings.

What a great story, I think the best word to describe it would be riveting.

Man, did you ever have an amazing night last night. You drank and drank and didn’t throw up, you were the life of the party, and you came home with a cowgirl. I can’t tell you how proud I am of you. Best of all, your wallet is still in your pants. For once you got the girl and she didn’t come home with you having the preconceived notion that she was going to rob you blind. To recap your good fortunes: You got drunk, you were the life of the party, you brought home a cowgirl, she gave you a cowpoke; your wallet is still in your pants, and if I don’t miss my guess; when you fully realize what has happened in the last 16 hours, you will walk around whistling zippity doo da out your ass for the next two weeks.

You are indeed da man. Here’s to you!

Today’s Hump Day Hottie is Sofia Vergara. Whenever I hear the name Sofia, I always think of the word *sofa*. So when I hear the name Sofia Vergara, it’s hard for me to call her her actual name, Sofia, but instead I automatically call her Sofa. That’s a true story. It’s also an interesting story that I’m sure you will file to the dark recesses of your mind, pulling it out of your memory bank one day, to use as your own story. And you know why you’ll do that? Two reasons: 1 - you live vicariously through me, and 2 - you’re a thief who enjoys stealing my intellectual property.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to retire to my Sofia when I intend to have a small nap.

But I’m sure you will all agree that this more than makes up for it.

No, please, there’s no need to thank me.

And I’ll give you two huge reasons why she earns that money and why she has 2 million “followers”:

If you do a google image search I’m certain you can find two huge reasons over and over and over again.

And because of the built-in safety features, she gets a break on her insurance. It’s win-win for everybody.

This Hump Day Hottie post is dedicated to one of the best friends Mitchieville has ever had: Nurse Kate.

Nurse Kate is feeling rather unappreciated around these parts as of late, and as The Mayor of the 49th fastest growing community in NE Durham Region, Ontario, Canada, North America, The World, The Universe, I want to say frankly and honestly that Mitchieville is never the same when Nurse Kate isn’t around. We appreciate her, we respect her, and we love her.

Nurse Kate is not only a nurse, but a model, a wife (possibly, I can’t verify that), someone who submits excellent material to The Mayor, and holds the BC high score for Space Invaders. Nurse Kate makes a mean rice risotto, has all her fingers and toes, and not unlike The Mayor, loves all the children of the world. Yes, whether those children are red, yellow, black or white, they are precious in her sight, Nurse Kate loves the little children of the world.

So here’s to you, Nurse Kate. We think you are special. But in a good way. Although everyone is special. You’re just more special. In a non-mentally retarded way. No offence to anyone who takes care of people with special needs. Seriously. I really should stop typing before all hell breaks loose. Special. Nurse Kate. Is.

Because I’m pretty sure I know where you can get some refreshment.

Dubbed “Amazon Eve” by people other than myself, she is the world’s tallest model, measuring in at an amazing 7′.

To give you a sense of proportion, most models are only as tall as the bottom of Amazon Eve’s breasts. Her one foot is the size of my desk. Her index finger is the size of a Cuban cigar, and her vagina is so big that the YMCA rents it out to disadvantaged kids to teach them h0w to swim.

Here is a picture of Amazon Eve and an inferior shorter model playing bison, bison, horse. It’s a game similar to duck, duck, goose, but instead of using ducks and a goose, you use two bison’s and a horse - Amazon Eve being the horse, while the smaller, more useless model plays the part of one of the bison’s. I believe the other bison will be played by Kirsten Dunst.

**J.M. Heinrichs, in his relentless pursuit to supply Mitchieville with the latest, most pertinent information on the world wide web, once again supplied Mitchieville with the latest, most pertinent information on the world wide web.

This picture is dedicated to all my American viewers who celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday and are probably tired of looking, eating and sucking on big breasts. This should take your mind off that.

Wow, you were quite the hero last night, weren’t you? Spending all your lunch money to rent a limousine and some high-price entertainment for the evening. And everything seemed to work out just fine. You had a cool ride, and the entertainment was twice as much fun as watching back-to-back Harry Potter movies. I suppose one could say you were the leading man of your very own Harry Pooper movie. Haha, see what I did there?

And even though you woke up to find your high-price entertainment had stolen your wallet, your watch, and your PS3, you have memories that will last you a lifetime. Mind you, those memories are wrapped up in the medication you will be taking for the next 60 years because your high-price entertainment gave you some venereal disease that at one point only members of the Haitian Navy use to get, but what the hell. You da man.

Who is Emmanuelle Vaugier, you ask? Funny, she was asking the same thing about you. She said to The Mayor, “who is that beautiful looking man who has chipotle sauce running down his chin?” And I told her it was you. I told her that although I don’t know your actual name, I always refer to you as “Chipotle Face.” My how we laughed.

So here you go, Chipotle Face, here’s Emmanuelle Vaugier, the woman who finds you attractive, but extremely messy.