Archive for the ‘Bigguns’ Category

Couldn’t Be Crueller

Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014

The obvious take-away joke to this picture is to point out what a lovely hair extension the lady is wearing. The Mayor’s obvious take-away joke to this picture is that the lady in question has extremely large breasts. And that aint no joke. Not everything has to be funny. Because it’s not. She has extremely large breasts.

The French Prove Useful

Thursday, April 11th, 2013

According to a new recently released study, wearing a bra doesn’t reduce back pain or sagging breasts:

The results of a mammoth 15-year study led by professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, from the University of Besançon in eastern France, are finally in and it looks like conventional wisdom about bras and back pain has been way off the mark.

According to Rouillon, a sports science expert, the lesson to be learned from the preliminary results of his marathon experiment is that “bras are a false necessity”.

“Medically, physiologically, anatomically – breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra,” Professor Rouillon told France Info radio on Wednesday.

Using a slide rule and caliper, Rouillon spent years carefully measuring changes in the orientation of breasts belonging to hundreds of women, at the Centre Hospitalier Universitaire (University Hospital) in Besançon.

All the women involved in the study were aged between 18 and 35, although the professor was keen to stress that the group were not a representative of the global population of females.

After regularly measuring women who were not wearing bras the scientists concluded that “on average their nipples lifted on average seven millimetres in one year in relation to the shoulders.”

And it only took FIFTEEN YEARS to complete this study. It must have been hell for the “professor.” Word on the street is that he lost his funding after six months, but being the professional he is, he kept the experiment going another fourteen and a half years on his own dime. What a hero!

He never got sick of his job. Buddy was probably at his office at 3:30 every morning and didn’t leave until 11 at night. He never took a lunch, never took a break, and hasn’t been sick in 15 years. He never even took a vacation. Hell, his office was open on Easter and Christmas.

You can imagine the lifting, tucking, poking and prodding that went on in his office over those 15 years. It must have been like the French version of the Playboy mansion in there. The only change he ever made was instituting the slide rule as his official measuring device. He had to use a slide rule after the chicks starting catching on that blowing into the nipple while groping his genitals wasn’t scientificy.

Good on the professor. Good on him for turning a six month project into something that spanned three decades.

Hump Day Hottie – Candice Boucher

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

Candice Boucher was born in South Africa (throw anotha shrimp on the barbie, mate!), and is a 29 year old model. That’s all anyone knows about her. Boy, what an enigma she is.

As you can see above, she is performing what we in the modeling/fashion industry refer to as the “shot in the chest, now go lie down on the floor” pose. And The Mayor must say, she does an excellent job of it. The way her eyes glaze over like maple dip donuts, the way she tucks her right leg into her left leg, and the way her hard breasts sit there like two small non-grassy knolls waiting to erupt into a silicone explosion. Impressive, The Mayor bows to her genius. And then tries to catch a peak of her silicone-filled puppies.

Woof!

Hump Day Hottie – Katy Perry

Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

Katy Perry is one of those units whose looks can be spooky deceptive. In this picture she’s a babe, but The Mayor has seen other pictures where it looks like she was on the losing end of a fight with a pitbull. And that’s the reason The Mayor is such a big fan of PhotoShop, make-up, and facial surgery – they turn lowish quality looking humans into something you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with when you trot them out to Wendy’s for the .99 cent Value Meal Deal.

Kate Upton – Easy Like Sunday Morning

Sunday, February 12th, 2012

Just a reminder that Valentine’s is coming up this Tuesday. Instead of waiting to the last minute to buy your loved one that can of motor oil she needs, perhaps you might want to put some thought into her/his/its gift this year and start planning now. A bottle of whiskey and a box of condoms is nice and all, but that’s really more a gift for you. A year’s subscription to NFL Ticket is another gift for you, so you may as well get that out of your mind right now. A $50 gift certificate to Hooter’s? You’re not in the zone yet, you need to ponder this a bit more.

The Mayor can’t tell you what to get, but he can sure tell you what not to get. And the first four things that come to your one-track mind are four things you want to avoid like norovirus on a cruise ship.

In other words, don’t go with your gut. your gut is ridiculous.

Catalina Otalvaro – Easy Like Sunday Morning

Sunday, January 22nd, 2012

Even though Catalina Otalvaro has that look on her face people get when they don’t understand simple directions they were given on how to get from point A to point B, and even though she has had more silicone injected into her body than all the product at the Rubbermaid factory in Buffalo, NY combined, and even though she’s in a lingerie ad trying to act sexy yet can’t stop grabbing her ankles with her paw, she is still a fine looking woman that has been Marc in Calgary® approved, for your convenience.

**Model in picture has not actually been Marc in Calgary® approved

Belen Rodriguez – Hump Day Hottie

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

Typically it takes The Mayor anywhere between 1 – 3 minutes to find a suitable picture of the woman who will be represented as the Hump Day Hottie. Today though, it took upwards of 10 minutes. And that’s because of two things: there are very few pictures of  Belen Rodriguez where she has her clothes on, and, even though she is a beautiful woman, she isn’t very photogenic.

Sad. But true.

Yes, she is photogenic when she’s bending over, but The Mayor felt that posting something like that wouldn’t be appropriate. Hot, yes. Appropriate, no.

So this is what you get – a filtered pictured of one Belena Rodriguez. And in case you’re thinking she has a rust spot on the side side of her belly, it actually a tat. A really terrible tat that she should be very embarrassed about.

Lacey Banghard – Easy Like Sunday Morning

Sunday, January 15th, 2012

There are a few things The Mayor is sure of in life: the minute you fall into a large amount of money, either your car will suffer catastrophic damages, or the roof on your house will leak. Tim Tebow is NOT the second coming of the Christian God, and, Lacey’s last name is not actually Banghard. Although, who really cares?

Catalina Otalvaro – Easy Like Sunday Evening

Sunday, October 23rd, 2011

What exactly is a Catalina Otalvaro, you ask? Why it’s the young lady in the picture, The Mayor responds. Where is she from, you inquire? The Mayor can tell you with a high degree of certainty that she isn’t from Belfast, Northern Ireland. Why does she have a scowl on her face, you wonder? How about you stop busting The Mayor’s balls with all your ridiculous questions? Look at that piece of meat and enjoy it. That’s all you need to do. Save the questions for your wife when she comes home tonight at 3am, stinking of cheap booze, stink weed and rubber by-products.

Oktoberfest Week

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

There’s just something so super sexy about an Oktoberfest girl swabbing another Oktoberfest’s girl’s mouth with a giant Q-Tip that it’s hard to put into words. It must have something to do with the swabbing. Or the giant Q-Tip.

Erin Andrews – Hump Day Hottie

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

While The Mayor wouldn’t say that Erin Andrew’s is the sexiest woman to ever grace the pages of Mitchieville, he still thinks she is hot enough to drill a peephole through her hotel room wall, and then post the video’s online. Pardon? That’s already been done to Erin Andrew’s? You’re kidding, aren’t you? Wow, some people sure are sick in the head.

Gisele Bundchen – What The Hell Happened?

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011

Hopefully Gisele Bundchen is on the phone to her plastic surgeon, demanding a refund for shoddy work, or, getting penciled in for the next round of radical reconstruction(s). With the way things are now, her looks will not do. Not for a second. Before you criticize The Mayor for criticizing Gisele Bundchen, The Mayor is fully aware that Gisele is sporting the *natural look*. That usually means she’s too lazy to apply make-up, hasn’t shaved the goodies that need to be shaved, and let grow the crap that needed weed whackin’ long ago.

For all you *natural beauty* peoples, compare what Gisele looks like in the picture above to this picture. Or this picture. Or this picture. Or even this picture.

The Mayor believes he has made his point.

Case. Closed.