Dubbed “Amazon Eve” by people other than myself, she is the world’s tallest model, measuring in at an amazing 7′.

To give you a sense of proportion, most models are only as tall as the bottom of Amazon Eve’s breasts. Her one foot is the size of my desk. Her index finger is the size of a Cuban cigar, and her vagina is so big that the YMCA rents it out to disadvantaged kids to teach them h0w to swim.

Here is a picture of Amazon Eve and an inferior shorter model playing bison, bison, horse. It’s a game similar to duck, duck, goose, but instead of using ducks and a goose, you use two bison’s and a horse – Amazon Eve being the horse, while the smaller, more useless model plays the part of one of the bison’s. I believe the other bison will be played by Kirsten Dunst.

**J.M. Heinrichs, in his relentless pursuit to supply Mitchieville with the latest, most pertinent information on the world wide web, once again supplied Mitchieville with the latest, most pertinent information on the world wide web.

This picture is dedicated to all my American viewers who celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday and are probably tired of looking, eating and sucking on big breasts. This should take your mind off that.

Wow, you were quite the hero last night, weren’t you? Spending all your lunch money to rent a limousine and some high-price entertainment for the evening. And everything seemed to work out just fine. You had a cool ride, and the entertainment was twice as much fun as watching back-to-back Harry Potter movies. I suppose one could say you were the leading man of your very own Harry Pooper movie. Haha, see what I did there?

And even though you woke up to find your high-price entertainment had stolen your wallet, your watch, and your PS3, you have memories that will last you a lifetime. Mind you, those memories are wrapped up in the medication you will be taking for the next 60 years because your high-price entertainment gave you some venereal disease that at one point only members of the Haitian Navy use to get, but what the hell. You da man.

Who is Emmanuelle Vaugier, you ask? Funny, she was asking the same thing about you. She said to The Mayor, “who is that beautiful looking man who has chipotle sauce running down his chin?” And I told her it was you. I told her that although I don’t know your actual name, I always refer to you as “Chipotle Face.” My how we laughed.

So here you go, Chipotle Face, here’s Emmanuelle Vaugier, the woman who finds you attractive, but extremely messy.

So you woke up this morning and found Isabeli Fontana sleeping in your bizarrely decorated bedroom. What does this prove? It proves that even an amateur like you will eventually get the proper mixture of rohypnol and pina colada just right. That now makes you 1/232. Keep slugging for the fence, little buddy, the world in now your oyster.

At this point my only suggestion is to wrap Miss Fontana in a rug and bring her back from whence she came. Why a rug, you ask? Because she’s a classy dame, you knucklehead, a Glad garbage bag won’t do this time. And you may want to monitor your police scanner today. Let’s just say The Mayor has a feeling you’re going to be very popular in certain enforcement circles for a while.

A plastic surgeon who admitted to “hating his wife’s body”, yet decided to marry her anyways because she had “potential”, is now solidly in love with her — and all it took was for him to perform eight reconstrucive surgeries on her:

Vossough spent five years pumping 1,600g of silicone into her body, boosting her size A chest to a giant F cup.

He also enhanced her lips, lifted her eyelids and de-creased her forehead.

The former waitress also had nip-and-tuck ops to her bum, tummy and thighs and countless Botox injections.

 

Only AFTER£18,000 of cosmetic surgery did Reza, 48, fall in love with her.

Reza, who operates on 1,200 patients a year at his Berlin clinic, said of his skills: “It’s almost like being God – you have the ability to change nature.

“When I first met Cany, she had physical deficiencies, but I could see there was something there. She had big hips and big thighs, so we made corrections, then did a little bit more.

The conventioning view on marriage is that it should be based on respect, appreciation and love. In the case of the plastic surgeon and his slab of beef that he takes pleasure in carving up like a Sunday roast, marriage is based on conceit, vanity, and the ability to inject as many grams of silicone into her ass, breasts and lips as possible.

I’m not saying I want this marriage to fall apart, that’s simply not right. But it does worry me that if after all the nippy/tucky and radical reconstructive surgeries, if this couple turns out to be happy and a model of a perfect marriage, TLDG might insist I get rid of 3 of these thirteen fingers I have. Or she might make me go have this hockey puck sized boil I have on my face removed. Or even worse, she might insist I get a breast reduction. And the fact is, poppa really loves his new snuggly puppies, baby, poppa really loves his new snuggly puppies.

**Thanks to Pseudonym for the article

If you’re looking for the name of this bathing beauty, I’m sorry but I just don’t happen to have that information available. Let’s just call her Candy. And I’m not calling her Candy because candy is sweet, but rather because candy will rot your teeth and affect normal bone growth. And let’s face it, the real life Candy will definitely affect normal bone growth. And rot your teeth. Actually, I’m not so sure about the whole rotting of the teeth business. Fine, let’s just call her Amanda.

I’m not always supportive of Googles tactics or the campaigns they run, but this is something I feel I need to get behind. Or in front. Especially in front. In front with a camera and a hose.

Who is Gabrielle Fox, you ask? I could ask you the same thing, because I have no idea. I’m not even sure I’m spelling her name correctly. I do know one thing though, I’ve had this picture saved for about 2 years with no good reason and it feels pretty darn good to finally get rid of it.

Whoever she is though, she takes good care of herself. She seems tidy, I’m sure she keeps a good house. I know she wouldn’t spend a ton of cash on laundry detergent because her clothes are so tiny she would only require one load a week. One load of laundry a week, you pervert. Man, talk about twisting around everything I say.

If you’re looking for information about today’s Hump Day Hottie, Candice Swanepoel, unless you know someone that works for Interpol, you aint gonna find any. Which probably isn’t so bad. The things we do know about her are pretty exciting though, let me tell ya! For instance, she wears a size 8 shoe, she’s South African, and her name loosely translated from the Mayan means, “One who smashes swans off light poles.” I love the old languages, they are very romantic.

She’s a lovely looking 21 year old, she’s pretty in pink, and I hope she gets a doctor to look at that thing on her neck that she’s picking. “Hey, Candice, stop pickin’ at it or it will never heal!”

I love playing doctor.

For those of you that picked Reka Urban to win the Miss Plastic Hungary 2009 Pageant, congratulations, you could not be more correct:

Contestants showed off breast implants, nose jobs and face lifts as Miss Plastic Hungary 2009 strove to promote the benefits of plastic surgery in a country where artificial enhancements are viewed mostly with a wary eye.

To qualify for the pageant, the 18 Hungarian residents had to prove they’d gone fully under the knife — mere Botox or collagen injections did not count. Nearly all the contestants showed off augmented breasts, with reshaped noses also popular. One finalist had surgically adjusted toes.

 

Organizers claimed contestants were expected to show “a perfect harmony of body and soul,” but the three-part pageant concentrated almost exclusively on the women’s physical attributes and the usually conspicuous wishes for world peace went missing.

 

Miss Plastic candidates were at least 18 years old and included a former rhythmic gymnast, a firefighter married to a police officer, a mother of three and several strippers. There was a special category for women over 30.

 

Pageant queen Reka Urban, a 22-year-old hostess, won an apartment in Budapest.

Hey Hans, your fingers will still be there tomorrow. But you know what won’t be? Three big chesticled women. Just sayin’.