Archive for the ‘bizarre’ Category

Welcome To My Nightmare, Kermit

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

It’s hard to believe that the song I’m Eighteen came out 40 years ago. School’s Out will be 40 next year. Ya man, that makes you OLD OLD.

Did you know that Alice Cooper’s (his given name was Vincent, I’m not sure what his last name was) father was a preacher in the Latter Day Saints? Boy, did that apple ever fall FAAAAAR away from the tree.

Anyway, I really like this picture, it gave me a good laugh. I’m not sure who the kid is beside Cooper, but he has terrible skin.

Public Skoolin’ Is Werkin’ Miraculls

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Wasn’t this the same person that won the MENSA challenge over on Andy’s site a few week’s ago?

Or WAS this the MENSA Teaser on Andy’s site a few week’s ago?

Participants: Pronounce this name; “Le-a”

**Thanks to Woosk

Condiment Disaster Kills Six

Friday, July 9th, 2010

A tragic accident at an Indian factory has claised the lives of six workers:

Six workers drowned after falling into giant vat of tomato sauce at a ketchup factory in India, the Indian Express reported Thursday.

The horrifying incident unfolded Wednesday evening when a female worker slipped and fell into the 20-feet (six-meter) deep tank.

As five colleagues dived in to grab her they were all overcome by fumes given off from fermenting vegetables and drowned, the newspaper said.

Just horrible. I heard the only way rescue workers could get them out was by turning the ketchup vat upside down and repeatedly patting the bottom of it.

Two more workers were in a hospital following the tragic incident at the Akansha Food Products unit in Lucknow.

Sources confirmed this morning that the town’s name will now be changed to “NoLucknow”.

Details to follow…

She Has A Giant Tongue? I Didn’t Notice

Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

Until you pointed that out, the only thing I noticed was her Ronald McDonald-like hair. But now that you mention it, yes, she does indeed have a rather large tongue. Kind of like a cows.

The Muckspreader Bandit Strikes Again

Monday, September 14th, 2009


Some might describe this as one of the most bizarre stories they have ever read. I describe it simply as a typical Saturday night in Winnipeg:

A man who was found pleasuring himself in a muckspreader at a Redruth farm has been sent to prison.

David Roy Truscott, 40, of Pengegon Parc, Camborne, was given a 16-week prison sentence last week after pleading guilty to the harassment of Clive Roth and his family at Woodbury Farm, Tolgus Mount.

Magistrates in Truro were told that between December 23, 2005 and August 22 this year 40-year-old Truscott had masturbated in the muck spreader while he was fully aware this caused the family distress.

In a previous case in 2004 Truscott pleaded guilty to burglary and three offences of arson at the same farm, when the court was told how he liked to strip down to his waist in manure for sexual reasons.

Police caught Truscott at the farm at Tolgus Mount, near to where he used to live, wearing shiny red shorts and rubber gloves.

At the time magistrates were told that the farmer first became suspicious that something odd was going on when he found a water trough filled with manure and tissues scattered around.

He then saw the shape of what appeared to be someone’s bottom and two hand prints where manure had been piled up. On another occasion it was obvious someone had been playing in manure and tissues and plastic gloves were found nearby.

After catching Truscott at the farm, police searched his house and found women’s clothing, mainly underwear, with containers of liquid sludge and hard mud.

Truscott told the officers that he had 360 pairs of women’s knickers and he liked to sleep in women’s pyjamas. He had taken women’s clothing with him to the farm as part of his excitement. He was also convicted starting a fire which damaged farm buildings and killed a cow.

Let us not be so quick to judge this man. I ask you, who among us has not fantasized about making love to a muckspreader? If you say you haven’t, then you sir/madam, are a liar.

Every so often I get that *special feeling* and head out to the barn to see my muckspreader. The way the moonlight bounces off its ribbed body is sometimes too much for me to take. I often don’t even engage in any foreplay with my dirty little whore muckspreader, I just mount its 3″ diameter shaft through the box section and treat it like Ted Kennedy use to treat a waitress (except not as rough, I’m not trying to kill the poor muckspreader). After I finish making sweet love to my muckspreader, we lay down together in the hay, looking at the moon, laughing, giggling, telling each other stories. And then we make love again. And then we roll around in manure and masturbate. And then I do a crossword or those excellent cryptics you often find in daily newspapers.

That’s what memories are made of, my friends, that’s what it’s all about.

What The Hell Am I? Sports Edition

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009


A female runner who won gold in the 800m World Athletics Championship has been forced to take a gender test after accusations that she is actually a he:

South African Caster Semenya, 18, had to take a gender test after doubts were raised about her sex.

But despite the furore, she easily took gold in the final in Berlin.

The teenage sensation has sparked controversy over her strikingly muscular physique.

Today officials at the world athletics body, the IAAF, revealed that it ordered her to take a gender test three weeks ago.

IAAF spokesman Nick Davies confirmed the tests were taking place, though he said the results would not be confirmed for several weeks.

Until the results are confirmed, there was nothing to prevent Semenya from competing in tonight’s final, he said.

He added: ‘At this moment in time we do not have any evidence to stop her running.’

How can a gender test possibly take several weeks? I could do it in 4 seconds. “Pull down your pants — if there is a penis then you’re a guy, if there is a vagina you are a woman. If there’s neither, you are a liberal.” Ta da, look at me, I’m a doctor.

Of course this chick is a dude, it’s as obvious as the weiner that’s tucked into your pussy. His name is Caster Semenya. Don’t you get it? Caster — the short form of *castration*, and Semenya, meaning, *semen* (that’s obvious) and *ya*. Semen? Ya.

To recap: The castration part refers to the twig and two berries Castor had lopped off when he decided to become a dame. Semenya simply means that at one time ya, he had semen. Now however, he is a semen importer and not an exporter. That’s just the way he rides.

Plus, bitch has an Adam’s apple.

Riding The Short Bus To Straight A’s

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009


A 15 year old English boy was awarded a certificate from the AQA (some sort of British assessment board) after successfully sitting on a bus:

The teenager, from Bury, Greater Manchester, wasn’t even aware he had sat the test and admitted he was surprised to be awarded the certificate.

Entitled “Using Public Transport (Unit 1)” it recognised, amongst other skills, his ability to:

*Walk to the local bus stop.

*Stand or sit at a bus stop and wait for the arrival of a public bus.

*Sit on the bus and observe through the windows.

“It just seems really silly to me,” said Bobby, who is set for A grades at GCSE.

This story is so ridiculous that I tried to come up with an even more ridiculous made-up story of my own, but the only thing I could think up was some crazy story about a kid that got a certificate because he could sit on a bus. Then I remembered that was actually the story I was posting about, meaning, this is the dumbest thing I have ever put up on Mitchieville.

The story doesn’t quite end there though, there’s a delicious scoop of Breyer’s French Vanilla ice cream waiting at the end. This from his father:

“He was particularly surprised because he doesn’t look out the window.

“He listens to his music instead.”

He still got 66.6%, which I’m sure is an A+ in England.

Gnome Probed Over Nazi Salute

Sunday, July 19th, 2009


German prosecutors are investigating whether a garden gnome at an art exhibit is flashing the Nazi salute because it’s a Nazi or because it is making fun of Nazis. At least that’s what I think is happening, it’s all very confusing:

“The investigation is ongoing and people are being interviewed,” Wolfgang Traeg, a spokesman for the public prosecutors office in the southern city, told AFP.

Hitler salutes and Nazi symbols have been illegal in Germany since World War II, but Traeg said that investigators may establish that the garden gnome is in fact ridiculing the Third Reich.

“It is also a question of art a bit .. and a garden gnome,” he said. “It will also depend on what the artist and the owners of the gallery have to say for themselves about the whole thing.”

While not every lawn gnome is a Nazi, I’ve been around long enough to know that most are. If prosecutors don’t take the Nazi saluting gnomes off the street immediately, before you know it, goose-stepping lawn jockey’s and heil-hitlering whirligig’s will poison the minds of our youth. Is that a plastic flamingo in the ground or a stormtrooper invading Poland? Are those plastic Madonna’s or the Waffen-SS? Hey, that’s not a yard globe, it’s a rheinbote.

Rid the earth of the Nazi lawn gnome scourge. Do it for the cheeeeeldren.

Man Arrested in Illegal Silicone Operation

Saturday, July 11th, 2009


Donnie Hendrix is in jail again after being caught performing illegal cosmetic surgeries:

PALM COAST, FL — Investigators are looking for people who may have turned to a man in Flagler County for silicone injections.

Donnie Hendrix does not have a license to practice medicine and he’s now in jail, accused of running an illegal home-based operation.

The Flagler County Sheriff’s deputies and the Florida Department of Health arrested Hendrix, also known as “Viva,” Tuesday morning.

Hendrix has been charged with practicing medicine without a license and unlicensed practice of a health care profession.

Deputies had Hendrix’s home under surveillance for the past four months. Someone gave investigators an anonymous tip through Crimestoppers.

The tipster said Hendrix had been offering injections ranging from $400 to $600 per session, and would perform the procedure in his bedroom.

Major David O’Brien with the Sheriff’s Criminal Investigation Division says this is not Hendrix’s first run-in with the law.

He says that in 2003, Hendrix and another man went on trial in Broward County in connection with the 2001 death of a woman from Broward County who underwent treatment and later died.

According to published reports, the woman’s lungs filled with silicone during an injection to enlarge her hips. Hendrix served two years in a state correctional institution after being found guilty of operating without a license and culpable negligence.

People actually get injections to enlarge their hips? Wouldn’t it be cheaper and have more staying power if they just ate McDonald’s every day for three months?

I understand why people get silicone injections: Not everyone is as beautiful as we are, some folks are downright pugly. By why on earth would anyone, just to save a few dollars, go and get illegal injections from someone that looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife?

Do-It-Yourself Circumcision Goes Horribly Wrong – Surprisingly

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009


A young man from Stevenage, Hertfordshire was rushed to hospital yesterday, after he performed a do-it-yourself circumcision with nail clippers:

The young man had to be rushed to the Lister Hospital in Stevenage, Hertfordshire. The wound was disinfected to cleanse it before he was given a bed in an observation ward.

“This is something we would advise men never to attempt,” a medic said, “The results can be quite horrific and long-lasting and have quite an affect on a man’s sexual performance.

“Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had had a few drinks beforehand.”

I tried to look up a Hallmark card online to see if they had something that would fit this situation, but alas, they did not. And that bothers me. Even the stupid of head deserve their own card for a situation like this. So I took it upon myself to write out a few lines, feel free to use any or all of them as you please.

A gyno is used when delivering babies,

You’ll get a series of needles if you come down with rabies,

You might get your stomach pumped if you feel really sick,

But you’re right up shits creek if you circumcise your own dick.

A little wordy, but not a bad first try. Let ’s keep going:

I heard you’re in hospital because you tried to give yourself a circumcision with nail clippers. They were MY nail clippers. But I’ll tell you what: keep ‘em. My gift to you.

Get well soon.

That’s touching because it invokes the act of giving. That’s what we referto in the card writing business as *a keeper*.

I think I have one more in me:

Always make sure you look over your check-list before you leave home every day:

Coat – check

Shoes – check

Hat – check

Socks – check

Shirt – check

Penis – ?

Oh well, look on the bright side, you have a really cool hat.

I’m pretty sure someone will steal these and submit them to Hallmark and make billions of dollars, but I don’t care, I’m in a pretty generous mood today.

I’d like to see if my constituents can up with something equally touching. Please leave your Hallmark message in the commentable box situated conveniently right below these words.

Chinese Woman Makes Dead Man’s Head Soup

Saturday, June 27th, 2009


Dmorris sent along this article with the words “I didn’t believe it, either, but it’s China, where they drive sharp objects through their skulls.”

The Mayor was more than a little amused:

A MOTHER organised for a man to be killed and then made a soup from his head in the belief the broth could cure her daughter’s psychiatric problems.

Lin Zongxiu, from the southwestern province of Sichuan, heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter who had suffered from psychiatric problems for years, the UK Telegraph reported reported.

Lin and her husband decided to enlist the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him, the paper claimed.

The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, and duck.

A local court sentenced the murderer to death with a two-year reprieve on Monday, and Lin was convicted of helping to destroy evidence that included the culprit’s bloody clothes and shoes, the paper said.

This article made The Mayor chuckle because when I lived in China for a few years I often heard stories like this. I even had an experience similar to this one.

I was working in Chengdu about 15 years ago, when my neighbour, an old bird, asked me to kidnap a young Chinese man and bring him back to her apartment. Just like in the article, she had a daughter with mental illness and told me the only way to cure her was by making soup from the head of a Chinese man. “Dead man’s head soup” she called it. I guess that’s appropriate enough.

I told her there was no way I could ever do anything like that, I’m not a killer — except for my killer good looks. But she was so insistent, yammering on and on in that annoying way that only old Chinese women can. After about 10 minutes of this, I was at the point where I was ready to make old Chinese woman-head soup. So I told her that yes, I’ll go bring a young Chinese man back for her. She made me promise, which I did, and she watched me leave the building, and I even saw her looking out her window at me as I walked down the street.

To make it look good, I pretended I was on the hunt. I saw this short kid of about 19 sitting and eating his lunch, so I pretended he was going to be my victim. I hid behind a wall and started peking at him. After a few minutes the kid looked up and saw me peking, so I tried to duck. It was no use, the shrimp saw me, stood up and walked towards me. At that point I noticed he was actually quite tall, if he was shrimp, he was a jumbo shrimp. A guy like that probably knows kung po, or lo lein, or some other form of martial arts.

Things were getting too spicy, there was no way I was going to jump out of the fire and into the moo goo gai pan, so I started running. Jumbo Shrimp ran after me and quickly caught up. I decided to stand and fight. We circled each other for a few seconds and then I karate chop sticked him in the head, spun around and drove my fist into his pine nuts. I followed that with a series of blows to his noodle, and finally embarked on my finishing move which consisted of a elbow smash to his spareribs.

But he wasn’t done yet. When he fell, he jumped right back up, it seemed this guy still had a little spring in his roll. I thought the guy must be off his rocker, maybe he was a little dim sum in the head, and his face showed that he was a little sweet and sour at the same time. But he was a warrior, he must be from the Chinese Curd clan. One thing was for certain, he was no chicken.

I had to end this now. I don’t often take out the heavy artillery, but I had the feeling he was getting a little saucy with me.

Right when I was ready to unload, he looked up to me and said, “I am one unfortunate cookie“.

He seemed to have a good sense of humour, I liked that, it was like we were two peas in a pea pod.

I picked him up, dusted him off and explained my story. He said he totally understood, but the only reason he was chasing me was because I had dropped my wallet. I felt like an idiot, the fight was all caused due to my bad tempur(a).

I suppose the point of this story, is that you shouldn’t go through life hot and sour, you should never lose your head over things. You old Chinese women should heed those words.

Recipient of Six Hymenoplasty Operations In Internsive Care

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009


This should warm the cockles of your heart:

A Russian woman ended up in intensive care after restoring her virginity for the sixth time.

The woman, identified as Natalia K., got married at 24. Her husband was not the girl’s first sexual partner, writes.

When the husband confessed he was upset about her losing her virginity before the wedding and with another man, Natalia decided to make things up for him.

To celebrate their first year together as a married couple, she went to a plastic surgery clinic and had a hymenoplasty operation.

The husband was so delighted with the present, that a year later Natalia wanted to give that joy to him again. And the next year, and the year after that.

The sixth time the woman came for revirgination surgery, the doctors warned her it posed dangers for her health. Nevertheless, Natalia signed a waiver of all claims and had the surgery done.

But the doctors’ fears turned out to be justified. The woman’s weakened immune system failed to fight an unspecified minor infection she caught after the surgery, and landed her in intensive care.

And to think I was really pleased when I received a tie for my birthday last year. On the bright side though, at least TLDG will be ALIVE for my next one.

I understand what a hymenoplasty is (or at least I say  I understand what it is when in fact I’m actually not sure), but if a person loses their virginity and then gets one of these hymenoplasty’s, it only technically makes them a virgin, it’s not like they can claim actual virgin status again, oui? I mean, if you’re a whore and you’ve seen more meat than Rosanne Barr’s freezer, just because you have an operation doesn’t reverse the fact that you’re a whore, right? That’s what I thought, once a whore…

So what buddy really got was a non-virgin who had an invasive surgery fetish. Wow, what a lucky man, he should have been like me and got really excited when his wife got him a tie.

See how I brought that whole tie thing around? Pretty impressive, eh?