Archive for the ‘Canadiana’ Category

Canada is a racist shithole day

Sunday, July 1st, 2012

Like most Un-Hyphenated-Canadians, I forgot this was Canada is a racist shit hole day. If you live in Toronto, City of Light, you are either staying indoors or fleeing the city to get away from the fish stinking Queer-Canadian festival. Wear shoes, my Father always told me; stepping on a used condom is worse than stepping on a fresh dog turd. There is no parking in the city; and after the sun sets your rectum will attract intruders like brains attract zombies. Really now, who owns Canada*. I do not. I identify with my tribe, I begrudge the confiscations called taxes, and I seek out every advantage over the state I can manage. This Canada Day thing celebrates nothing; it is an excuse to pass money to political hacks, advertisers and marketeers with similar political agendas; it is an excuse to squeeze out more rewriting of history slanted towards the viewpoint of the knuckle walking left (The Battle of Lundy’s Lane* was a struggle for a woman’s right to choose, for example), and it is nothing but a bread and circuses show for the urban never workers, to distract them from themselves, to lure their slack jawed attention from their culture of welfare, drugs, crime, and pillage. Canada is a racist shit hole, more so with every fresh plane load of victims of racism brought in to puff up the Statist vote.

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Anatomy Of A Wasp

Wednesday, May 16th, 2012

Throw in *work ethic*, and this isn’t much different than the other types of WASP’S The Mayor grew up with in Scarborough, Ontario. Of course, it didn’t take long for the government to ban arse daggers, but the other anatomy parts are virtually unchanged.

Britneyism

Tuesday, April 10th, 2012

Yes, across the seas from the US to Canada. Britney is obviously talking about the Great Sea of Erie, Ontario, Superior, Michigan, and the greatest Sea of all, Huron. Because there is no way she’s talking about the Sea of Winnipeg or the Sea of Okanagan – hahaha, they don’t even border the US.

Unless she meant oceans. Like the Great Slave Ocean, or the Ocean Athabasca….

We Stand On Guard For Thee

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

That’s taking the whole *True patriot love* thing a little too far, I would say.

Invasion USA

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

The Canadian Trojan Horse Moose™ is finally operational and ready to be deployed.

You hosers are in for it now.

Beauty.

A Letter From John Candy

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

From Lettes of Note:

Hot on the heels of Steve Martin’s personal letter comes another fan mail response – again with a similarly humorous post-script – but this time courtesy of Martin’s sorely missed Planes, Trains and Automobiles co-star: the late, great, John Candy. It was sent in December of 1984, just months after Candy’s breakout role in Splash had hit the screens and three years before his fantastically funny performance opposite Martin caused millions to sob with laughter.

John Candy was a whole bunch of great. He was a mountain of a man, but one of those truly gentle souls. The Mayor had the privilege of running into John Candy a few times in my life, and I have to say the guy was just like any ordinary Joe. Except he was 6″5 ish and about 300lbs. I say he was ordinary, but in the sense where he treated everyone well and didn’t have a swelled head in the least. He grew up in Newmarket, Ontario, attended Neil McNeil high school, made his Canadian fame through SCTV. It’s been over 16 years since John passed away, can you believe it?

John Candy was one of a kind, as you can tell by the letter above. I can hardly imagine any *star* writing anything resembling what John, and Steve Martin a few weeks ago, wrote. Honest to goodness “characters” are hard to come by nowadays.

Injun’s Are Wise

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Two Eagles is bang on. However, the way things are going in our troubled economy, everything old will be new again. And soon. Pass the peace pipe and a fishin’ rod, The Mayor is traveling back in time.

Remember, Canada Is On Top Of The USA

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

There’s been far too many icky-related posts like this one lately. I’m going to have to switch things up and put on a few posts about bacon and punching people in the face, that should even out the icky posts. Anyway, Canada is on top, just like the title says. And titles never lie. You can look that up in the book of Ezekiel.

Wife Aint Givin’ Ya Any? Go Do The Dishes Then

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

man-vacuuming

If you guys intend on boarding the nookie train for a trip down the tracks to Pleasure City, you best be grabbing a mop or a dish rag (Rosanne Barr’s face doesn’t count), because a new study has shown that women are sexually attracted to men that do various chores:

A new study, believed to be the first to examine the connection between housework and sex, has found that spending more hours on household chores is linked to more frequent sex for married couples. The finding surprised even the researchers.

The researchers expected men would benefit from this housework-sex connection because wives tend to do twice as much housework as their husbands and may be motivated to engage in “thank-you sex” if their partners pitched in, she says. Instead, they found the effect applies equally to both genders.

The findings of this study surprise The Mayor. Mostly because I think of some of the household chores I do but never seem to get *chore sex* credit for. For instance, the other day our toilet overflowed. There was something trapped in the back of the bowl and I had to reach my arm down the hole and root around until I could find the cause of the blockage. About 20 into this ordeal I pulled out an old diaper. I knew it was an old diaper because when I was pulling it up out of the bowl it opened and splashed everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Yes, The Mayor was covered in baby crap.

I walked down to the kitchen, but instead of ravishing me, TLDG nearly vomited. She told me to get the hell out of the kitchen, it seemed she was disgusted at the sight of me. How could this be? Wasn’t I engaged in housework?

Before I jumped in the shower I looked at myself in the mirror. The baby gunk was glistening off my abs, I had smell lines like what you’d see in comic books wafting from my triceps, and yet TLDG couldn’t translate that into making sexy with the large bald smelly man commonly known as The Mayor.

Or maybe it’s the kind of chore that gets the sex. Perhaps today’s women don’t get turned on by the thought of their man coming inside out of the cold after chopping a cord of wood –  his muscles rippling, the sweat dripping off his brow. Maybe today’s women get more turned on by Svend the IT Team Player – he who strapps on a dish dress and puts on rubber gloves so his fragile hands won’t get water raw.

Well you know what? Homey don’t play dat.

I am not Svend the Dish Washing IT Team Playing girlie man who gets sex 1.6 times a week, I am Sir Manly Power, the wood choppin’ sweaty bastard that, if he wants sex, just had to drop trow and his wife is more than happy to service him. Twice. Three times on his birth week.

Besides, it’s not the chores that get the sex, it’s the free time because of getting all the household crap done that gets the sex. It’s all math, baby. If your sweetheart is working until 10 at night on household chores, by the time she gets to bed she’s too tired to fool around and you’ll probably be asleep anyway. If you help her with the chores and you’re both looking for something to do at at 7 pm, chances are you’ll do each other at 7 pm. Just don’t cover yourself in baby feces first. You’re going to have to trust The Mayor on that one.

Thanks to Dmorris for sending The Mayor this article. His reward will be given to him in heaven.

A Canadian Tea Party – London, October 3

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

Kathy Shaidle will be hosting Canada’s first Tea Party in London, Ontario, October 3.

The ”Tea Party” will be protesting high taxes and big government.

12:00pm – 2:00pm

Reg Cooper Square, behind City Hall,
300 Dufferen Avenue
London, Ontario, Canada

Phone:   519-438-8606

alawton@forestcityinstitute.ca

For a few more morsels of informations, head over to Five Feet of Fury

Happy Dominion Day

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

canada-day

Happy Dominion Day to all.

As part of my celebration this Dominion Day, I’m going to download the forms from the provincial government and apply for welfare. A little later I’m going to a drop-in clinic to get some *free* medical advice, and for dinner I’m going to my favourite soup kitchen for a bowl of bean & bacon and a grilled cheese sandwich. I have a pretty big day ahead of me, I’m tired just thinking about it. Maybe I’ll just go back to bed for a few hours.

Free Mandarin All-You-Can-Eat Buffet On Canada Day

Friday, June 26th, 2009

mandarin1

I know this has nothing to do with nothing, but you know that Chinese people would never eat the shit they serve in Chinese/Canadian restaurants, don’t you? Anyway, The Mardarin is a Class-A operation, and even when you have to pay full price, it’s still well worth it.

FREE Buffet for Canada Day!
July 1, 2009

To celebrate Canada Day at Mandarin, we’re making fireworks of our own by offering our All-You-Can-Eat Buffet for FREE to Canadian citizens! We want to say THANK YOU CANADA, for welcoming us into this great country. Visit any of our 21 locations on July 1, 2009 and enjoy tasty Chinese cuisine alongside tried and true Canadian dishes, all for FREE. The celebration begins at 12:00pm and ends with our last seating at 8:30pm. Reservations will not be taken on Canada Day – guests will be seated on a first come first serve basis. Come join in on the festivities!

Don’t fill up on rice and chicken balls, go for the delicious shrimp on a stick and the excellent steak they have at the bbq section. Steak is a very popular food back in Nanjing, it’s very Chinese. Like hot dogs or pizza slices.

This offer is only available only in Ontario, so for you Western Canadians, you’ll have to settle with eating regional delicacies, like sewer rats, perogies, or pot. For my American friends, cap & trade is going to suck all your money dry, so chew on a toothpick and drink a glass of water.