Archive for the ‘Carnival of The Politically Correct’ Category

Carnival Of The Politically Correct

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

It’s time to put on your party hat, for today we celebrate diversity. Today is the day we embrace multiculturalism with a giant tongue kiss. Today is going to be chock full of multiformity. This is a proud day for all the homonormatives, binormatives, transnormatives and bestialnormatives. It’s just not a good day for heteronormatives. Today, The Carnival of the Politically Correct is going to take you on a carbon neutral ride sans the carbon footprint.

I can’t think of any better way to start this most wonderful day off than with a song. Step inside the drum circle and let’s sing along with Alice the Camel. Alice loves love and loves loving love as much as anyone I have ever known. Please, Alice, lead us in song, give us a few bars of

“Non-Confrontation Hymn of the Republic”

I have seen Godself’s reflection in Mohammed’s Thousand Names,
And the Buddhist and the Hindu Godselves really are the same -
So don’t try to be Godselfish and put down your old King James -
Godself is marching on…

Isn’t that lovely? And keep in mind, as I’ve said before, it’s okay to talk and sing about God, as long as it’s not the Christian God.

Now that we have our adrenaline flowing and our blood circulating, it’s time to talk about the most important thing in the universe: Our own personal Progressive Utopian Vision™: Seeing as that we are all forward-thinking progressives, we’ll need someone to spell everything out for us, for we mustn’t think for ourselves, that’s not what a real Utopia entails. What does a real Utopia entail? (Cue dream sequence…)

Now, we all know that in this world, there are just two kinds of people: 1) Those who value the environment, those who understand the danger of global warming and capitalist over-consumption, who understand the felt-needs of the downtrodden and disenfranchised, and are willing to provide whatever entitlements and social programs are necessary, regardless of the drain on the economy, and then of course there are: 2) Earth despoiling christo-fascist hate mongers who wait for a Rapture so that they can escape a raped and despoiled Gaia, leaving the rest of you losers here to burn.

Sounds right to me. I also hate christo-fascist hate mongering, rapture waiting earth rapist, Gaia despoiling….sorry, I kind of lost track there.

Seeing those words, like christo-fascist, hate mongering, disenfranchised…makes me wish there was a Politically Correct Dictionary that I could use whenever I feel the need to verbally strike down a Conservative. For instance, if there actually was a Politically Correct Dictionary, I wonder what they would say *Denier* means?

Denier – 1 A scientist who critically evaluates actual data, ie Newton, Einstein, Bohr. 2 a term designed to equate people who don’t unquestioningly accept leftist mythologies to holocaust deniers

Alas, there isn’t one though, so it looks like I’ll have to get by and just use the the old standby words I always yell at Conservatives. Words like baby killers, racists, bigots, gun nuts, intelligent…oops, that kind of slipped.

Being politically correct is not easy, nup, not easy at all. Every day I wake up and I don’t know whether to whine, complain, bitch, grumble, moan, gripe, droan, snivel, carp or wail. However, I do know what I am going to do today: I’m going to make life miserable for the two types of people that are a scourge on this earth–Smokers and earth rapists:

“We are calling for responsible retailers to reconsider the sale of patio heaters in light of the substantial amount of carbon emissions they produce,” said Philip Sellwood, the Chief Executive [of the Energy Saving Trust]. “People are also influencing the larger more damaging commercial sector with a third of pubgoers choosing pubs where there is a patio heater. Landlords are helping to make patio heaters desirable – which they are not.”

And then, in words which may long be remembered, he added: “Why don’t people just wear a jumper?”

Patio heaters, worse than Hitler, I tell ya!

I’m so furious right now, my head feels like it’s going to explode. How come everyone doesn’t love the earth as much as I do? I really do love the earth, I absolutely adore it. Ya, baby, the earth turns me on. You know what I really like about momma earth? Trees. Yup, they are HOT:

When an arboramorist feels an extra-kingdomian attraction to a fellow eukaryote, she or he would indicate their interest either through direct touch or else through an earth-melody sung in tree language (the member of the kingdom animalia always initiates courtship to the plantae). If the reaction is positive, the arboramorist procedes to make love to the tree, generally through the insertion of a protuberance through an orifice which is either given or received. While human males can climax only once, due to an infestation of the noxious substance testosterone coursing through their inferior bodies, and while womyn can achieve orgasm several times over the course of a few hours, a tree, if properly pleasured, can produce their love juice continually for years on end. This may result in a tantric passion session which can fuel the desire of several consecutive generations of arboramorists.

Wow, can anyone else use a smoke right now? Oh right, smoking is evil.

It is getting rather warm in here, and when I get warm, I get hungry. And when I get hungry, I always crave Mushrooms with Coriander and CuminSo yummy, and not a taste of meat or any blood juices whatsoever. Being Politically Correct means never having to eat meat. Unless we want a promotion at the Yarn Barn (rimshot)

Now that I’ve eaten I feel more level headed, I feel like the inner activist is ready to get out of here and demand that something be banned. Damn it, we’ve banned nearly everything, what the hell is left? Oh right, we need to double-ban guns. But since we can’t take guns out of the hands of law-abiding gang-banger Canadians, maybe we should work on taking guns out of evil, heteronormative,Christians:

Concerns about the “sinister uses” of guns in society have prompted University of Toronto officials to rid the campus of its 88-year-old sport shooting range, despite its continued popularity and spotless safety record.

“In today’s world, even the perception of tolerance of guns and gun violence is seen as a negative,” said Catherine Riggall, the university’s vice-president of business affairs, who approved the decision recently.

It’s about time that emotion and perceived perception started to outweigh fact and common sense. It’s long overdue.

Perhaps the greatest thing about being politically correct is never having to say I’m wrong, I’m sorry, or “It wasn’t my fault, I’ve never seen those bumps before”. Everyone who’s anyone can be politically correct, you don’t have to be a rock scientist. Even adults with third grade educations are now experts. Take Supermodel Gisele Bundchen (please):

Now that we’re on the subject of money, if you still believe that salary is somehow commensurate with intelligence (lol), let’s do some quick research on Gisele Bundchen. Thankfully for her pocketbook, she is indeed beautiful because the Almighty was on a coffee break when it was Gisele’s turn for brains (and morals).

Bundchen [. . .] told the Folha de S. Paulo newspaper that the church’s take on contraception is hopelessly outdated because it was adopted when “the women were virgins, the guys were virgins.”
“Today, no one is a virgin when they get married,” Bundchen said.

Professor Bundchen would know, what with her massive, um, publishing credits in medieval virginity and sexual mores.

Facts are unimportant, if you ask me, it’s more important that she’s truthy and saunter down a catwalk while staring intensely. It would, however, be better if she was a lesbian with a limp, oh to dream.

Many of the politically correct carnies (bloggers) have devoted most of their life to the cause. It’s not just supermodels who tow the politically correct line, all sorts of Hollywood stars and people in the entertainment industry spout the virtues of being politically correct. They are what’s known as our *fifth element*, the *trojan horse* if you will.

We even have a carnie who went as far as helping out a rapper with his lyrics to make them more PC. What a piece of work, I’m so proud of our little carnie for tidying this up. Let’s have a boo at some of the problems our carnie faced along the way:

“Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger, / But she ain’t messin’ wit no broke niggaz.” It’ll take a number of translational steps to get to the root of this thing, so let’s dive right in. The first step toward “understanding” (if that’s possible) is to tidy up the grammar just a bit.

Frankly, I’m not sure whether a translation into proper English would use the traditional “n” word like that, or if West’s use of “niggaz” was meant as the plural form of the singular “nigga” (which is generally regarded as less offensive than its counterpart with the “er” suffix). Compounding this pesky problem is the fact that most people probably have not heard the actual lyric for themselves. Many radio stations have policies that require them to play altered versions of songs to avoid transmitting any potentially offensive lyrics. This explains the preponderance of overdubbed animal noises, scratching sounds, and even awkward skips in such records where someone has edited a song to make it playable over the public airwaves.

You see, a true PC’er loves love, help those help themselves (through handouts) and is always there when someone needs them, or even when they don’t.

What a day it has been so far, we have accomplished quite a bit.

Let’s recap: What have we railed against today? Hmmmmm, Conservatives? Check. Earth rapists? Check. Smokers? Check. Christians? Check. Gun owners? Check.

I actually feel bad. We’ve managed to put down so many segments of the population today, there must be some people that we can help? I got it, how about criminals? Yes, let’s help them:

Some creep with a capital C had a web page devoted to the pursuit of little girls; it got a bit of media attention in the New York Times. The web site itself is gone, but the really creepy archive of it (minus the pictures of dressed little children that this creep photographed) is here. Professor Volokh mentioned it here, as well as the understandable but likely useless (perhaps even counterproductive) effort by a number of outraged parents to get the California legislature to make what this creep was saying illegal. (It might be more productive to find out why the government supports this creep–he’s on some form of public assistance, apparently.)

What’s fascinating are the comments defending this creep made by the often quite disturbed and disturbing people that hang around Volokh Conspiracy. Here’s one that really upset me:

I won’t show you the comment, you must see it for yourself, he speaks for us all.

By now, there are probably some UNpolitically correct people that are reading this (spit), and are probably thinking that we are no fun at all. That is simply untrue. Take the Baseball tournament Mitchieville is having in August, it is going to be so much fun that daddy is gonna take your T-Bird away. See, that was funny, I am a funny person.

This years Baseball tournament has a wonderful, diverse lineup. The food that is being served at the park is taken from all corners of the world (Except for North America *spit*). Have a look at part of the program:

Play begins at the Vimy Ridge Memorial Fastball Diamonds on August 11 at 1100 with opening ceremonies to be held later in the afternoon (TBA). Kosher, Halal, vegetarian, lactose free, gluten free, sugar free, organic, locally grown, non-greenhouse gas producing food is available at the canteen with proceeds supporting the local chapter of the Communist-Lesbian Support Group.

I’m so stoked that I’m whistling zippity-do-da out my balloon knot. Play ball!

Well, what more can I say? I hope you have a wonderful time today at The Carnival of the Politically Correct. I would, however, like to ask you a favour or two. When you’re on your travels today, stopping by at all the different venues in the Carnival, please drop the carnies (bloggers) a comment in their comment box. If you like their post, tell them you like it. If you don’t like it, tell them you don’t like it. Carnies live for feedback, and these folk were good enough to submit some amazing material. A comment is big thanks and goes a long way.

Also, if you’re a carnie (blogger), make sure to link this page today so we can maximize traffic and get as many people as possible to visit all the deserving blogs above us.

Thanks for all your hard work, carnies, you are all politically correct.

That is all,

The Mayor

Carnival of The Politically Correct Is Nearing

Monday, July 30th, 2007

For those of you that haven’t sent in your submissions for Wednesday’s Carnival of the Politically Correct, I only have one thing to say to you: Get on your horse and ride, Sally.

Tonight at midnight is the cut-off date for submissions, I can’t accept anything after that. I’m pretty pumped that the Carnival was stuck on *not too shit hot*, went to *Craptastic*, and now is at *Damn, it won’t suck*. Thanks to you, it won’t suck.

There are a few people who promised to send something in but haven’t yet. You know who you are, I won’t call you out, although I should. You should thank me that I have enough manners not to make a spectacle of you. Isn’t that right Bruce, Bumf?

For the rest of you folks, there is still time to send in a politically correct link from your website. Whether it is old or new, I’m not picky, what is important is that we show the world what we are made of. Send me in your posts and have them displayed, somewhat proudly. It’s the right thing to do.

There are 16 hours left. Let’s make the best of it.