Archive for the ‘Charts’ Category

Accident Report

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

**Oldies but goodies. Consider this somewhat of a retro post.

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

 “I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

 “Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

 “I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.”

 “No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

 “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”

 “I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”

 “I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

 “I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”

 “I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.”

 ”The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

 “The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”

 “I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

 “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”

 “I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

 “I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

 “I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”

 “My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back.”

 “I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

 “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”

 “The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

 “When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

 “I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”

“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”

“As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”

“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”

“A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”

From Bits & Pieces, via See Here

The Formula To Understanding Women

Saturday, April 10th, 2010

I think the formula must be wrong, I don’t see any dollar signs anywhere on the blackboard.

Wow, that was really unfair, I should be ashamed of myself. I’m not, but I should be. I guess.

**The Marginalized ACTION Dinosaur, who should also be ashamed, but isn’t, electronically mailed this to The Mayor

Words That Follow…

Thursday, April 8th, 2010

How about “wet & sweet?” Or, “decaffeinated & lukewarm?”

Muddy and acidy?

I Won’t Do That

Monday, April 5th, 2010

That song always did bother The Mayor. Buddy would do ANYTHING for love, but he wouldn’t do that. Then that means, you meatheaded, dripping pound of fatty meatloaf, you wouldn’t do anything now, would you?

I have a few ideas for you to vote on for this week’s Whatever It Is Going To Be Week:

Safety Week was a winner, let’s try to double down on these fine selections:

1) Military Week

2) Serious Dogs Week

3) You’re Gay Week

Hmmmm, so much to choose from, so little time. Maybe we need to call in the vote catchers at ACORN to settle this thing.

Yaaaa, That’s Pretty Accurate Actually

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

cheater

Hey Jude Flowcart

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

hey-jude

When you put it like this, it makes me think the Beatles weren’t the lyrical geniuses everyone pegs them for. Na na na na.

Husband Hearing Chart

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

imageshusband_2dhearingbitsandpieces

Mare told me through the comment section a while back that she really digs graphs, so, I decided to look high and low (but mostly low) for some Mitchieville appropriate graphs. Like this one.

For those of you that love pictures, but can’t read, this graph is telling us what every hack comedian has told us through lame stand-up routines throughout history: men don’t listen to women unless the topic involves sex.

I find I have unique cut-through-the-chase abilities.

% Of Women Who Believe It’s OK For Husbands To Hit Them

Saturday, September 5th, 2009

hit-women

At the bottom of the chart, it says the source for this information is UNICEF Childinfo.

This fascinates The Mayor. I’d really like to see what the numbers in the West look like, but I’m pretty sure they would be 1% or lower. I’d also like to see what the numbers look like in Saudi Arabia and a few other Middle Eastern countries, but once again, I have a feeling I already know the answer.

It blows my mind how conditioned women are in these foreign countries. Now think about how often you pick up a paper or turn on the news and hear stories about what a sexist shithole the West is. How badly women are treated, how they make 18 cents less for performing the same job, how haircuts are 20% more for women than men.

Remember though, our Western culture is no better than any one of these cultures. We can learn from them, they can teach us how to be tolerant, how to be respectful.

People Who Email Me

Friday, September 4th, 2009

people-who-email-me

I’m not sure if I’ve posted this before – the last three years are somewhat of a blur – but even if I have, I truly think this is still relevant now as it ever was.

Steve Miller Pie Chart

Friday, August 21st, 2009

steve-miller-pie-chart

I’m not sure which site I ripped this from, but if it was yours, and you have proof of some sort, I’ll see you in court.