Archive for the ‘Cher’ Category

This Is What Happens When Cher Spawns

Friday, July 10th, 2009

chastity-bono

If you had never watched wrestling in your life, and I asked you to describe what you think a Mexican wrestler looks like, I guarantee that 97% of my constituents would describe the chupacabra on the right. Unfortunately, the other 3% would describe the woman on the left. Which would bring me to the conclusion that although the majority of Mitchievillians are tuned-in and bright, the other 3% are functioning idiots.

It’s okay for me to say that, the 3% can’t read this anyway.

It’s Okay, She’s Got You Babe

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

cher-and-chastity

Keep in mind that Babe is not only an endearing name to call someone, but it’s also the name of a famous actor pig from a movie. Did you know that Babe the pig was raised by sheepdogs?

Even though her only daughter is seeking to have a complete sex change by transitioning from a female to a male, Cher says she supports Chaz, and will always love her no matter what:

“Chaz is embarking on a difficult journey, but one that I will support,” Cher tells Usmagazine.com in a statement. “I respect the courage it takes to go through this transition in the glare of public scrutiny, and although I may not understand, I will strive to be understanding. The one thing that will never change is my abiding love for my child.”

The first 30 times I read that I cried like a baby. You see, something similar happened to me a few years back, something that changed my life and the life of my youngest legitimate child forever…

When my boy, let’s just call him *What’s his face, or WHF* came to me 8 years ago and said that he wanted to transition from a beautiful little boy into a kangaroo, I was, to put it mildly, shocked. I’ve only heard of things like this, I’ve only met two, maybe three people who have children that are now kangaroos. But after a while when the news sank in, and knowing the prejudice that marsupial-Canadians face every day, I decided that I would stand behind WHF 100%.

I said, “Kanga, although I may not understand, I will strive to be understanding.” That’s what us progressives do, we never question or judge someone or something, we just accept, love and then love some more.

It was hard at first, watching my beautiful son slowly morph into a kangaroo. I always had to keep my good eye on him when he was near Australians, as they always tried to shoot him or skin him for a pelt. But after a while, my acceptance grew, and now I can say with certainty that Kanga made the right decision, he was meant to be a marsupial.

Plus having that extra pouch around really comes in handy when we go camping. That’s kind of a bonus I guess you could say.

Chastity Bono Is Having A Sex Change

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

chastity-bono

Chastity Bono –seen here stomping on the poor citizens of Tokyo — has announced that she is in the early stages of transitioning from a woman to a man through sex-change surgery:

Chastity,  the child of legendary entertainers Sonny and Cher, began the process earlier this year, shortly after his 40th birthday.

“Yes, it’s true — Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity,” confirmed Bono’s publicist, Howard Bragman.

“He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones.

I understand how someone transforms from a man to a woman — as the joke goes, you just chop it off and insert an anchovy — but how do you change from a woman to a man? I suppose you would have to start witha Plaster of Paris mould, and with any luck, maybe Cher collected her skin from the plastic surgeons floor after the zillions of reconstructive surgeries she’s had over her illustrious 80 years as an entertainer. From there, I suppose all that’s left is to super-glue Cher’s skin on the Plaster of Paris mould and industrial staple that bad bastard to Chastity’sChad’s enormous frame. Ta da, good bye Chastity, hello Chad.

Was Cher (tea) Bagging Tom Cruise?

Thursday, May 1st, 2008

In an interview with Oprah (you go girl!), Cher admitted to having a tryst with Tom Cruise. In other news, I’m vomiting in a Glad garbage bag:

“I was so crazy about him,” says Cher, who was 39 when she reportedly met the 23-year-old Cruise at a White House fund-raiser in the mid-’80s, not long after his breakthrough role in 1983’s Risky Business.

Instantly smitten with the young actor, Cher recalls, “He was so wonderful … And he was so, like, different.”

Winfrey’s audience particularly appreciated Cher’s remembrance of the “long date” she spent with Cruise – “I lived in his apartment,” she tells Winfrey – which elicited cheers from the crowd, reports Britain’s Daily Mail.

I wouldn’t think it would take much to keep Cher happy, maybe a salt-lick and a handful of oats.

Cher has always scared the hell out of me. I once had this terrible dream where I was in the same room as Cher and she saw me, walked over to where I was, pulled out her cock and beat me half to death with it.

Not that Tom Cruise would mind that, from the look of the picture he must have just whispered in her ear, “if you hold my junk like you hold that mic, I’ll give you some maize and an apple.”

Whoa, that’s some scary stuff!

The Superficial for the pic

NEXT–MindTrap Trivia

ALSO–Piece of Art or Piece of Shit?

Too Much Chering

Tuesday, March 21st, 2006

Now this is a practical couple. He kills the victims, brings the bodies home, and she drinks their blood.

I’m pretty sure if buddy looked at someone long enough he could make them explode. It’s as if earth has been invaded by oily cyborgs. Get that man a defibrillator, he hasn’t much time left.

And I see that Cher is looking the same, the same as she did in 1934. It’s amazing how she has managed to keep so young. It must be all that Cheroke she has in her. You know, if the new name for Botox is Cheroke.

They look exceedingly happy, and truth be told, I think that if they can go home at night and lay in their coffins and honestly say they are pleased with their lives, then all the power to them, they have my best wishes.

City Rag supplied the ingredients for this wonderful post

10 Scariest Celebrities in HDTV!

Saturday, August 27th, 2005

Phillip Swann, president of TVPredictions.com gives us his review as to who he thinks are the 10 Scariest Celebrities in HDTV!

Here is a sampling from his article:

#4 Cher.
Did she get Botox? Well, let’s put it this way. Her face looks more frozen than a Hollywood agent’s heart. In fact, seeing her in high-def at a recent awards show gave us the chills. Her face reminds you of a Buckingham Palace guard. You could stand in front of her and scream and not a single part of that thing would move.

Phillip Swann, you sir, are a bitch. You call that sarcasm? What you just wrote is exactly what I imagine hearing from two little male bitches sitting outdoors in a Cafe drinking Frappochino’s.

That sucks. Leave sarcasm to the sarcastic geniuses, like me.

Here’s what Phillip should have said…#4 Cher. HDTV is to Cher what Kryptonite is to Superman. Her face is so tight that you could wrap sandwiches with it. I went to the zoo the other day and looked right into a baboons ass and said “that’s disgusting”, so the baboons ass said to me, “at least I’m not Cher”. Cher’s face is so tight that even snare drums are jealous of her. Cher has the type of face that could scare tarantulas. Her life has gone full circle, now she could play the freak in Mask. If she stared at a picture of the Mona Lisa, the Mona Lisa would close her eyes. Cher face could never “launch a thousand ships”, but it looks like she’s been trying. Cher no longer has stretch-marks on her face anymore, she has a face on her Stretch-marks. Cher’s face could scare the leafs off of a tree.

And so on and so on….

AND, I made up all those lines off the top of my beautiful bald head. Unlike Phillip Swann.